NCIS

Nick?

What are you doing?

Oh, it's, uh, it's called the.. the useless box.

That's all it does.

What about the meeting?

Don't judge me.

You skipped the meeting, too.

McGEE: Hey, guys.

McGee, what the hell?

What?

I asked you to, you know,

to go to that building safety meeting for me.

Yeah, it's all good. I asked Parker to do it.

And he agreed? No, he did not.

But Kasie said she'd take notes for all of us. Hey-hey.

Useless box?

Let's see.

It's a classic.

Guys, do you think we should be feeling guilty

about skipping that meeting?

McGEE: Somebody has to stay in the squad room

in case we catch a case.

Uh, we have Bandium alerts for that.

Not for walk-ins.

Well, nobody just walks in

to NCIS and... I'd like to report a crime.

Actually, I would like to report three crimes.

Technically, it's one crime attempted three times.

Make that one felony attempted three times.

Uh, sir, slow down. Take a breath.

Uh, let's start with your name.

It's Felix Lassiter.

The felony that I would like to report is attempted murder.

The intended victim is me, and the offender is my wife.

McGEE: Okay, are you active duty or retired?

I.. I'm not in the military.

Then you're gonna have to file a report

with your local police department.

Yeah, we don't have jurisdiction to investigate.

Sure you do. I came to the right place because...

because my wife is your boss.

My wife,

the Secretary of the Navy, is trying to kill me.

McGEE: All right. Right down here.

Please, uh, have a seat. Make yourself

at home, Mr. Lassiter.

I'm not a mister. Call me Felix.

All right, Felix, uh, do you want some coffee?

Do you have any diet peach kombucha?

Uh, we are fresh out.

Why don't you go ahead and sit tight, and, uh,

we'll be right back.

There's only one Secretary of the Navy, right?

Yeah, Tara Flynn.

And she is married to that guy?

For 33 years.

Here is a picture of them at the Navy Christmas Gala last year.

What does he do for a living? Not much,

but I think he fancies himself as some kind of inventor.

He has six patents pending, all for

tiny wheel gears or something.

McGEE: Well, they do say opposites attract.

No, no, no. Opposites is, uh, Jimmy and Knight.

You find out anything else about him?

No criminal record, no outstanding warrants.

Oh, I did find out that he is the current president

of the Toy Train Operating Society.

Well, that explains his love for tiny wheels.

Hmm.

McGEE: Sorry about that, Felix.

Please.

Why don't you just, uh, start from the beginning.

My wife... has tried to kill me

not once, not twice, but three times.

What happened?

It started last week.

I was driving along when, all of a sudden, bam, my brakes failed,

and I swerved right off the road, right into a tree.

Totaled my truck, and somehow I walked away.

McGEE: But how exactly is that attempted murder?

I'm not done.

The other night, I'm watching TV in my apartment,

and I hear this annoying beeping noise.

Hey, hold up, hold on, hold on. Apartment?

You and your wife don't live together?

No, we do not because she.. she

kicked me out. We're getting divorced.

Anyway, the beeping noise turned out to be

the carbon monoxide alarm.

And?

And what? I almost died for the second time.

And last but not least,

this morning, I was attacked. Okay.

Attacked, that's something we can work with.

I was out for my regular walk,

and a green Cadillac with a dent on the fender

comes out of nowhere, tries to plow me down,

and I jumped out of the way. I came straight here.

McGEE: Does your wife own

a green Cadillac with a dent in the fender?

Well, no, but if she was gonna run me over,

she wouldn't do it herself. She obviously hired a hit man.

Hmm.. obviously.

Yes, Agent Torres. Uh...

I'm telling you people, my wife wants to kill me.

McGEE: Did she tell you that? She didn't have to.

Last week, she came over and destroyed

my prized Lionel train set, 1976 edition.

So, even if this is true,

it still doesn't prove that she's a murderer.

Well, somebody's trying to kill me.

Who else would it be?

McGEE: Well, did you ever

consider that these three events were accidents?

Three near-death accidents in less than a week?

Felix, do you have any evidence at all

that your wife is responsible for any of these incidents?

Isn't that your job? I was kind of hoping

that NCIS would open an investigation

before I end up dead.

McGEE: No, don't worry.

We're looking for your wife as we speak.

I'm sorry, Director, but Secretary Flynn's unavailable.

She just left on a flight to Amsterdam

to address NATO's Security Council.

Please let her know we'd like

to speak to her as soon as she lands.

You'll be her first call.

In the meantime, if it's okay,

we'd like to talk to you. About?

Her husband.

Oh, boy.

What's Felix claiming now?

What do you mean now?

Felix is what I call a hot mess.

He's a nice guy, and I know he loves the Secretary,

but the guy's basically nuts.

Last year, he thought the Secretary was having

an affair with the Sultan of Brunei.

I take it she wasn't.

Is he being serious, Director?

I can't tell through the screen.

Just continue, Rafa.

After years of all his conspiracy theories,

she finally had enough and kicked him out.

But he's dragging his feet on the divorce

because he thinks he can somehow win her back.

He's delusional.

Did she go to his apartment

and smash his model train set?

I highly doubt it,

but even if she did, I'm sure he deserved it.

Felix has put the woman through hell.

But this isn't about trains, is it?

Would it be possible to see

the secretary's itinerary from last week?

Of course. I'll send it right over.

Thank you, Rafa.

Tread lightly on this.

The press finds out that we're even questioning SECNAV

about a crime, she's done politically.

You're saying investigate the Secretary of the Navy?

We have no choice.

A report's been filed.

Something tells me that, uh, you don't buy any of this.

I've met Felix a few times over the years.

He cornered me once to talk about

robot birds and laser beam cancer.

Robot birds?

He's a whack job,

and I'm not going to allow him to drag

the Secretary down on his way out the door.

And speaking of doors,

please escort Mr. Lassiter to ours.

So, now what? What, just go home?

McGEE: Well, if anything else happens, give us a call.

We'll check it out. Uh...

That's reassuring. If anything else happens,

you'll probably find me in a pool of my own blood.

McGEE: Felix, you okay?

Sir, are you prone to panic attacks? Whoa, whoa.

McGEE: Felix, Felix. Whoa, whoa. Easy.

Felix, Felix, breathe.

McGEE: Call an ambulance.

Okay, this is not a panic attack.

Come on, breathe through it.

This guy had a hell of a week.

Honestly, I thought it was all just in his head,

but then the way he was foaming from the mouth...

You think it was poison? It looked that way to me.

But even if he was poisoned,

we still don't know that SECNAV was behind it. True.

Good morning, agents.

I'm Dr Singh.

How's he doing?

He is stabilized.

We believe the seizure was caused

by a pre-existing heart condition.

Are you aware that, when he collapsed,

he was telling us that someone was trying to kill him?