The Grand Tour

According to today's newspaper headlines,

it seems that it's the end of the road

for motoring presenter Jeremy Clarkson...

...and said that it's with deep regret

the decision had been taken not to renew him.

..forecast plenty of sunshine through today

with seasonal temperatures.

We should reach a high of about 82 degrees by this afternoon...

Hello, everybody!

Hello. That was the Hothouse Flowers.

And now, look what we have here.

He was born--

He was born in 1836...

He was fired by Car magazine,

fired by Autocar magazine,

fired by Scotland On Sunday,

and somehow he managed to get fired

by a Volvo dealership.

Thank you.

Probably for driving too slowly.

Ladies and gentlemen, James May!

Thank you, thank you. You're very kind.

And, ladies and gentlemen,

you probably can't see him from the back,

but I assure you he is here.

He was fired by Radio York,

fired by Radio Leeds,

and fired by Radio Lancashire,

it's Richard Hammond!

Hello! Hello! Thank you!

Thank you.

And, ladies and gentlemen!

Over here!

He's-- He's basically

a shaved ape in a shirt.

And he, technically, is the only one of us

never to be fired by anyone.

It's Jeremy Clarkson!

Thank you so much.

And the good thing is,

it's very unlikely I'm going to be fired now,

because we're on the Internet,

which means I could pleasure a horse.

No! No.

- Dog? - No.

No pleasuring of any sort.

- There are families watching. - Yes!

Anyway, we are all car journalists.

And we have spent the last 20 years...

- Being fired. - Yes.

But we have poured everything we know,

everything we care about, into this show.

Everything. And coming up now is a small montage

of what you can expect over the next 12 weeks.

Are we ready, gentlemen?

Honestly, I don't know.

Argh!

Is that the size of the drop or what's happened to his penis?

You're looking at magnificence.

Help! This is bad.

James says we've got to stop for fuel.

I hate you!

He doesn't like us.

Bloody Nora!

May be leaking slightly.

What a moron.

You sunk my limousine!

I've lost one of my nose tampons.

This is not a particularly cultural thing to do.

I don't like the smell of tire smoke in the evening.

Oi! Get back in!

James is falling...

Sideways in linen.

There's no dignity in that, is there?

No.

Thank you. Thank you so much.

Now-- Thank you.

All of that is gonna be hosted from this.

This is our new travelling studio tent.

Thank you so much. We're gonna be roaming the world in it.

We're gonna be like gypsies.

Only the cars we drive are gonna be insured.

Stop saying things that are gonna get us fired.

But I'm just saying, it's brilliant.

It is.

Oi! Who shot our drone?

- Did someone shoot it? - Him.

Let's not get bogged down in who shot what, okay?

Let's get changed and get on with the show.

Shall we get on with the show?

Let's do it.

Thank you, everybody!

Thank you so much.

And welcome to the first ever Grand Tour.

Thank you. Now, we hope you like our tent.

We think the great thing is that because it roams around the world,

we get a different view out of the big picture windows every week.

So this week, obviously we've got

the high desert of California.

- Next week, who knows? - I do.

Well, yes, James, we know. It's Johannesburg.

- Now they know. - I know they know! It doesn't matter!

The point is the view changes and so does the audience, okay?

This week you're all Americans.

Now, this is a bit of a problem

for people like us who speak English.

We can converse perfectly well in a shop or a restaurant,

but when it comes to cars and motoring,

every single word you use is different.

When I say "different," I mean "wrong."

When you change gear with a lever, what do you call that?

- Stick. - Stick.

Now, you see, this is a stick.

Couldn't change gear with this.

Wouldn't work. What you can do with this is point at things.

Let's see if we can get you educated.

What do you call this bit of a car?

- The hood! - Bonnet.

- Bonnet. - They're learning.

What do you mean? I know you can wear a bonnet on your head.

It's two things. We're capable of having those different thoughts.

- What type of vehicle is this? Pick-up.

No, it's stupid.

- Oh, now, hang on. - It is stupid.

Let's do another one of these.

- What type of vehicle is this? Coupe.

Coupe? Coop is where you keep your chickens.

That's a coupé. That's a French word, I admit.

- Yeah, a bit. - They're muddled with that.

George Bush, have you heard what he once said about the French?

"The trouble with the French is they have no word

for entrepreneur."

It is difficult. I think the only thing we agree on

- is "steering wheel." - Yeah.

But then they go and put it on the wrong side of the car.

It must be really annoying having to drive along like that all the time.

Why don't you just put it in front of the driver like we do?

It's probably a good idea if we get on with the actual show.

Yes, it is. But we had to clear all that up,

because contrary to what some people have been saying,

this actually is a car show.

- Well, not next week it isn't. - Next week is an exception.

- Yeah. - But not when we go to Barbados either.

No, Barbados is definitely another exception.

But tonight couldn't be more "car-y" if it tried.

I'm gonna prove that point because we're kicking off with this.

Bear with me, bear with me--

I agree!

The thing is, though,

various supercar makers have now taken

the polar-bear-friendly technology from a Prius,

and they are now using it to create raw, naked speed.

Now, I say the best of these hybrid hypercars

is the mad, swivel-eyed McLaren P1.

Whereas Richard Hammond, who's wrong--

I'm not wrong.

He is, because he says the best

is actually the rather boring Porsche 918.

- It's not boring! - Yes, it is.

- It isn't. - Mm-hmm.

It isn't. Well, whatever.

We decided to meet up with the cars

and settle this once and for all.

The location we chose for this titanic duel was Portugal...

specifically, the international race track of the Algarve.

When we arrived, mechanics from Porsche

and McLaren pounced on our cars,

fettling them for what was to come.

And this meant Hammond and I had some time to indulge

in a spot of childish point scoring.

Which one of these is going to be the fastest around this track?

- This? - Yeah.

Apart from this one, which will be faster.

It won't. Which one do you think will be the fastest?

- This one. - This one.

Porsche think the Porsche will be fastest. McLaren say the McLaren.

How much is it if I wanted to buy one?

I think one was sold in an auction for 1.8 million.

1.8 million dollars. Hammond, how much is yours?

838 euros.

- Thousand I'm guessing? - Yes. It is thousands.

Why has your car got a number on the side?

It's the Weissach edition, this one.

- You also get titanium chassis bolts. - Stupid.

For just an extra £60,000.

And a carbon-fiber bonnet strut.

Look at that. How much does that save?

- About 100 grams. - Right there, 100 grams.

Has the McLaren got a carbon-fiber bonnet strut?

- Doesn't need one. - No, because my bonnet doesn't go up

because it will never break down.

And it's got silly doors. Proper doors, silly doors.

Mine does 34 miles to the gallon.

This does 94.

- 94 miles to the gallon? - 94mpg.

Just remind me, Porsche is owned by?

That'll be Volkswagen.

Soon the McLaren and the Porsche were ready for some shakedown laps.

And for these we decided we'd drive each other's cars.

Straight away, I can tell you