The Vagrant

This next property is very well suited

to your particular needs, Mr. Krakowski.

And as you can see it's very conveniently located

for a young businessperson like yourself, Mr. Krakowski.

This house speaks to me.

Hear it?

Just a whisper.

Over and over

it says...

potential!

Yes!

Yes!

Potential!

Phew.

A little soap and water,

maybe a little paint,

and this place will look like a brand-new home in no time.

A home like this, Mr. Krakowski,

can be the foundation for the rest of your life.

- This area has a... -

your buildings can only go up in value.

I'm telling you, this thing is a real deal.

Oh, did I mention the master bedroom has its own closet?

Oh, I'm so sorry.

Oh, no, I wasn't... It's okay.

Well, what do you think?

Well, I... I don't know.

It isn't speaking to me.

I mean, it's not saying exactly what...

You know, Mr. Krakowski, Graham,

maybe I better just say it.

I'm attracted to you.

It's a physical thing, I'll admit it.

I feel like, like I wanna grab you by the...

Oh, Oh.

Wait a minute.

Look, I'm not this open with every guy that comes along,

you know, I let my urges build.

Do you know what that means?

I'm ready for some good, healthy sex with you,

right now, if possible right here on this toilet!

I understand but I have a girlfriend.

She's in Buffalo, Graham, I'm right here!

Oh, okay, okay.

I'll take it.

- Where first? - No, no, no, no.

- The house, I'll buy it. - Huh?

It's talking, I suddenly heard it.

It's screaming "potential".

Well, you're certainly a very decisive man, Mr. Krakowski.

Thank you.

Can we go now?

Open that escrow?

Escrow? Oh, yes.

Why, certainly.

This way.

- -

I don't know, Graham.

Owning a house is okay but you're gonna get

an ulcer making the payments.

No, Chuck, I figured all this out months ago.

My salary and savings will cover the monthlies to the penny,

right up until I get my interim raise in January.

And if I get my promotion to full analyst,

well, I could even think about putting in a hot tub or

maybe even a lanai.

A lanai? Wow!

What if you get fired?

That's not an option, Chuck. That's not even funny.

What happened?

I heard something.

Like a big something? Or like a squirrel?

Like...

Like maybe a big squirrel.

Graham, that bum isn't coming back, alright?

And even if he does,

he's not getting passed this new deadbolt.

Check it out.

Solid as Fort Knox.

Geez, you know,

it's amazing what a little financial stress

can do to a guy.

- Grahamski. - What?

Want me to spend the night?

No, don't be ridiculous.

Stay away.

- -

- -

- -

Hey! Hey!

Hey! Hey!

We gotta get out of here.

He's got...

Hey, hey, come on.

- What? - You alright?

- It's okay. - You alright?

I'm awake.

Jesus Christ, Krakowski.

It's alright, it's alright. It's okay.

What the hell was that all about?

I don't know, I... I just...

- felt like... - Huh? What are you...

You walking in your sleep? Huh?

Christ Almighty, man, you scared the shit out of me.

This switch plate, he left with this one?

It was a dream, I know, but it was...

- Graham. Graham. Graham! - It was so real.

Look, why don't you crawl back to your nice little bed there?

Chain yourself to it and go back to sleep?

Jesus.

- I'm sorry I scared you. Shut up.

- Oh, God.

Oh, God.

Oh, God.

- - Oh, God.

Hey. Oh, God!

911 OPERATOR: 911 emergency.

Hello. Emergency?

I'd like to report a dangerous vagrant who is...

911 OPERATOR: What is he doing, sir?

Doing?

You mean right now?

911 OPERATOR: Yes, right now.

Well, he's just sitting there eating something,

but two days ago he was...

911 OPERATOR: Excuse me, can you hold, please?

Yes, I'll hold.

You're the complainant?

Yes, I called.

He's over there in the bushes under that billboard.

Who?

The vagrant.

I found him in my house on Thursday.

This is my house right here.

Did he remove any articles?

Well...

Then what seems to be the problem?

Well, the problem is

there's something really wrong with this guy.

I mean, you can see it in his eyes, something vile,

and he was eating this...

I don't know what it was, this disgusting piece of rotten...

Sir, we cannot apprehend a citizen

on the basis of what he eats.

Read the Constitution.

I understand, but there must be trespassing laws.

I mean, the guy's living over there.

He cooks on an open fire in an undesignated area

and he's using the bushes to urinate and...

You've seen him urinating?

Well...

- OFFICER.' Be honest. - Well. ..

No, I haven't actually seen him, but, my God,

if you smelled those bushes.

Circumstantial, you got no case.

No, wait, Buzz.

If we can find a corroborating witness

we could make the urination stick.

Yes?

I'm officer Schatz, this is my partner Officer Lincoln.

You'll have to talk into my aid.

Ma'am, what is your name, please?

Mrs. Harry B. Howler, except Harry's been dead.

Ma'am, have you witnessed a man

urinating in those bushes over there?

Urinating?

Well, he better hadn't urinate back there.

He's over there right now.

Quick, I think he's getting ready to urinate.

- Should I call a backup? - No time, no time!

Well, you're the new neighbor fellow, aren't you?

Won't you come in and have a nice glass of lemonade?

Maybe some other time.

Alright, buddy, come with us.

No trouble now.

He's the one that's been urinating back there?

Ah! Ah!