Mike & Molly

Mike, I really have to go home.

Are you sure you can't stay a little bit longer?

I've been here for almost two days.

I don't have any clean clothes to wear.

I don't know how they got dirty.

We hardly used them.

Well, I also have a big stack of book reports

To read for tomorrow.

They're fourth graders.

Just give 'em all b's. They'll be thrilled.

Except for maybe the Asian kids.

Sure-- I let 'em slide through the system,

They turn to a life of crime, and you arrest them.

For you, it's win-win.

Golly, I wish I was one of your students.

I'd sit right up front

And look in those beautiful green eyes all day long.

You look really pretty today, miss Flynn.

Why, Michael Biggs, I believe you're a kiss-ass.

Well, that's definitely where I'd start.

All right, one of us has got to be strong

And it's clearly not you,

So I'm going home.

All right, let me grab my keys.

Thank you for a lovely weekend.

It was nice, wasn't it?

Strolling hand in hand through Lincoln park,

And buying kettle-corn at the farmer's market.

Good luck getting that out of your sheets.

Well, a lot of it was already there.

You know, I think my favorite

Part of this weekend was waking up in the morning,

Seeing you laying next to me

All cuddled up in a cute little ball,

Snuggling under my arm,

One of your tiny feet popping out under the covers.

I mean, the other stuff was great,

But that's the memory that I'll be keeping right here.

You son of a bitch.

One more time, and then you are driving me home.

Yes, miss Flynn. Whatever you say.

♪ for the first time in my life ♪

♪ I see love. ♪

I'll call you tomorrow.

You don't want to talk later tonight? Mike.

All right, good night.

First thing in the morning!

Bye!

Bye!

For god's sake, quit dancing.

My neighbors don't need to know you scored.

Okay, you heard her, neighbors--

I scored!

What?

You dirty little whore.

Details-- must have details.

And skip the foreplay.

I don't want to know how the sausage was made--

I just want to know how it was served.

Well, he's a great guy,

And we had a very nice time.

You finally free willy

And all we get is "great guy, nice time""

Come on, moll, spill it.

I always tell you every dirty detail.

But against my will. There's a big difference.

Come on, tater tot.

Just a couple of highlights for mom and sis.

No. I don't feel comfortable

Talking about that kind of stuff.

What is the point in getting laid

If you can't talk about it with your family.

Yeah. We're not asking for blow-by-blow-- uh-uh.

Just a little girl talk.

Well, like what?

Well, for instance,

Was he tender with you?

Yes, he was-- very... Very tender.

Not so tender as to be fruity, right?

No.

It was pretty amazing.

He was-- he was kind of nervous,

But very sweet, and attentive.

Attentive! Huh?

So you're saying he licked the stamp

Before he mailed the letter.

What? No.

I'm just saying he was very loving

And very giving.

Oh, lord... He didn't camp down there, did he?

'cause after awhile, that's like

Trying to light a wet book of matches.

That's why I keep a little spray bottle on my nightstand.

What a great idea.

Like trying to get a cat off the couch. Mmm-hmm.

Well, this was fun.

Carlton, you going to answer the door?

Carl: I just got out of the shower.

Just got out?

You've been in there for 25 minutes.

If that boy ever gets a girlfriend,

My water bill will be cut in half.

Nana!

Hey, Michael!

What brings you here on a Sunday evening?

Oh, nothing.

I just wanted to come by and say hi.

Well, come on in, baby.

Carlton, you got company!

Carl: Who is it?

Get your narrow ass down here

And find out.

He sat behind the Broussard twins at church today

And he's been in the shower ever since.

Can I get you a little something to eat?

No, thanks. I'm not hungry.

Yeah? And I'm not old, black and Christian.

How about a piece of pie?

No, I'm fine.

In fact, I'm perfectly content.

Oh, my!

It sounds like somebody was baptized

In the river of good, good lovin'.

Well, molly and I are getting kind of serious.

We actually spent the entire weekend together.

Oh. And you still floating on that cloud of passion, ain't ya?

You kidding? I almost moonwalked into some trashcans.

This is a magical time in a relationship.

You know, I believe it's god's way

Of giving us a little peek at heaven.

You think so?

Well, if he didn't want us

To copulate every night,

Then he wouldn't have picked a peter

To guard the pearly gates.

I'm telling you,

I just want to run through the streets,

Screaming her name and hugging homeless people.

Michael, you need to let her know that,

'cause that little girl

Is feeling very vulnerable right now.

Really? Of course she is.

She's just given you her most precious gift,

And she needs to know that you appreciate that.

Oh, I do! She almost had

To turn the hose on me to get me off her porch.

Hey. What's going on?

Michael just had a lovely weekend

With his lady friend.

All right! You and molly finally did the nasty?

"did the nasty..."

Listen to you!

That's probably why

The last woman you brought into this house

Came with an air pump and a patch kit.

Grandma, I told you

That was a gag gift from the guys at work.

Wasn't no gag when I heard it pop

At 3:00 in the morning.

Thought it was a drive-by.

Now, Michael,

Don't allow too much time to pass

Before you let her know how much she means to you.

Maybe I could get her a nice gift.

Hey, I could sign her up for the fruit-of-the-month club.

Well, say it with cantaloupes and plums if you have to.

The important thing is to reach out

And let her know she's in your heart.

That's good. I'll do that.

I completely disagree.

What you need to do is pull back.

Keep the woman guessing.

Be smooth and aloof.

Hush up, goofy grape!

This is real people talking about real things.

Grandma, this is my best friend,

And I think I may have some advice

He could actually benefit from.

Fine. I'll let you two talk, man to man.

Thank you, grandma.

But, Michael, if you take one word of advice

That comes out of his jelly-bean head,

You and I got a problem.

Goes without saying, nana.

"goofy grape."

Morning.

Hey, is your sister up yet?

She's going to be late for work.

Oh, no, she's awake.

I heard her singing in the shower.

I'm so happy for her.

Nothing cures the crankies like a trip to the boneyard.

Well, if I go for more than one week without it,

I'm a total bitch.

Which explains your sunny disposition.

God.

I remember when your daddy was in Vietnam.

I'd get so horny, I'd fill the dryer with tennis shoes,

And sit on it.

Damn, that war tore this country apart.