Dana Carvey: Straight White Male, 60

Thank you.

Man!

Let's talk about the phenomenon that is Donald Trump.

People angry already. "What? I'll kill you!"

"Donald Trump, okay? Donald Trump, all right?"

I do him a little effeminate. I don't know why.

I just do him, like, a little soft,

little bit of lotion, little bit of ChapStick. I just do, you know.

I mean, he's got his patented moves. You know, he's got the seal.

That's one of his, the seal.

"Okay, okay, okay, okay."

The index shuffle. "Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay.

Okay. Okay. Okay. Okay."

He's like a Batman villain if you think about it, isn't he?

"You'll never get away with this, Trump."

"You know... I think I will, okay?"

The thing of 2016 was that he took out Jeb Bush. He took him out.

The Bushes, they're tough, man. They're like the "Sons of Katie Elder."

Boomer reference.

They're pissed, you know, 'cause Trump took him down so fast.

He just went, "You know, you know, you know, Jeb,

you're a low-energy individual, okay?

You're very tired. You're very tired. You're very, very tired.

You're tired... tired... tired."

And I looked at Jeb Bush, and I thought, "My God, he's right!"

He looks like a vice principal of a junior high school.

'Cause Bush family-- But you gotta admit how fun to put W,

not Jeb but W, up against Trump.

'Cause W-- W is like-- He's kinda like a street fighter.

He's kinda...

You know, he's kinda just itchy and kinda jumpy.

Yeah.

He's the only president who was, like, surfing and hitchhiking the entire time.

I would love to see him up against Trump, 'cause Trump would be like,

"You know, you're president because your daddy was president. That's it.

Okay? Okay? Okay?"

W would be like... "Yeah.

Who does your hair? Stupidcuts?

'Cause that thing is hair-diculous."

An impression can be anything, in my mind. And that's my impression--

my impression of W. Kinda like a drunk marionette.

The thing about Trump, though,

if you agree with him, you might kinda like him on certain subjects,

'cause he's such a blunt force instrument.

Like, who else would you want,

if he was afraid of global warming at a global warming conference, than Trump?

'Cause he would be like, "You know... you know, you're stupid countries.

You're very stupid. You're stupid, stupid countries.

You're a disaster. You're a disaster. You're spewing stuff in the air.

It's a disaster. It's a disaster. You're a stupid, stupid disaster.

The whole planet's getting hot. Even the grass is hot.

Ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch, ouch...

I will be so good with global warming. I will be so, so good with global warming.

I will make CO2 pay for it. I promise you that.

I know how to make glaciers. I know how to make glaciers.

I can make a lot of glaciers, okay?

I will take all the ice from the Trump Hotels--

It's a lot of ice. I can promise you that.

I will put it on the Carnival cruise ships.

They're friends of mine. I know these people."

It's a trip, man.

Hillary and Bill. Hillary and Bill.

What a story.

I feel like Bill's got a headset. He's got a microphone behind the scenes.

"Big Dog to Little Hill. Big Dog to Little Hill.

Come in, Little Hill. Big Dog to Little Hill.

Come on, baby. Come on.

Come in, Big Dog, Little Hill. Big Dog, Little Hill.

Baby, you gotta slow down. You gotta slow down.

You can't emphasize things that don't need emphasizing, baby.

Now, take it easy. Here it comes. Just do it real soft-like, okay?"

And Hillary's like... "We will do the things that we need to do

until we don't do them...

because we don't need to do them anymore."

"No, baby. No, baby. Ain't working.

Slow down, peaches and cream."

It's just so much stuff out there.

Obama...

Obama was the best I'd seen, politically, of creating gravitas all the time

because he would pause.

He would just take his time, and it made you lean in.

I mean, I could listen to him do nursery rhymes,

and it would have gravitas with the way he can talk.

He'd be like... "'Jack and Jill went up the hill...

...to fetch a pail of water.

Jack fell down and broke his crown.'

That's a teachable moment."

"'Three blind mice.

Three blind mice.

Chase a farmer's wife or cut off their tail with a knife.'

The question you gotta ask yourself,

'Why are these mice blind in the first place?

What kind of healthcare program have they got?'"

Harvard intellectual, big vocabulary.

'Cause in a way, Bush gave birth to Obama,

'cause Bush, for eight years, is just hearing this...

And then it was just refreshing, that baritone.

"This is what we're prepared to do. That's the truth.

No, no. No, no. No, no. That's not right.

Nope. Never.

That's... what... we're gonna..."

It's just a pleasant sound.

But to try to hear Obama figure out the complexity in the Middle East,

it's very tough, even for him. It's like,

"What we're continuing to do in terms of the caliphate,

what-- what our partners, our coalition,

strategically, with air strikes, no boots on the ground,

our intelligence, what we, the--

What our-- The northern-- The Syrian rebels with a general, um--

The effort-- the effort to defeat ISIS, ISIL, Daesh, with the--

The Ottoman Empire with the Turks.

The Peshmerga with Netanyahu and Hamas, in terms of--

The proxy war, Khomeini with the Saudis and the--

The Shia, the Sunni, Putin and Assad.

It's fucked up."

"It's a shitstorm."

Notice how anybody and everybody is now Hitler?

You noticed that? They called Obama Hitler.

They called Trump Hitler. They called Bush Hitler, you know.

And Hitler's a fascinating guy. There's only one Hitler.

And Hitler always was animated and loud, when you'd see him in news reels.

He's like...

No human being can sustain that.

So, I often thought that Hitler would be just exhausted backstage.

You know, so tired he's almost effeminate.

And he's like really manipulative, like any man or woman of power.

He'd be like... "Himmler.

Himmler, my little SS man.

So stealthy, so secretive.

Everyone loves your haircut, but we don't know who your barber is.

You complete me, Himmler.

Sometimes we're at a meeting, and there is an awkward silence,

'What are we going to do with all these Jews?'

And then you say, 'How about build more camps?' And I say, 'What he said.'

Send in Göring. Hello, Göring, my chubby, little Luftwaffe man.

You're tubby, aren't you?

Don't shame yourself.

In the future, scientists will probably determine

that you have a genetic predisposition

to crave processed carbohydrates, that's all.

I have one cookie, I put it down.

You have one cookie, your brain throws a party, you want 100 cookies.

Goebbels and I laugh a lot, we see you at a party.

'Look at tubby. He's dive-bombing a cookie.'

All I'm saying is, don't blitzkrieg cinnamon toast.

You're husky, but you're my husky, General.

And now I'm going to take a nap."

I don't have a final line for this bit, but that's all I'm saying right now.

Speaking of Bernie Sanders...

You gotta love Bernie. You gotta love Bernie.

Bernie is what he is, what he is, what he is.

I mean, the energy he's got.

This is the Bernie Sanders phenomenon distilled for you. This is my impression.

"What I'm prepared to do...

What I'm prepared to do...

I will find people with money.

I will take their money...

and give it to people that don't have money."

He's like a sleepwalking Frankenstein.

"I will find a rich prick.

You look like a rich prick.

I will take your money and give it to the poor bastard sitting next to you."

I don't know, to me-- I'm a boomer, but to me,

you know, capitalism is an Apple Store.

Socialism is the Department of Motor Vehicles.

And I love them Department of Motor Vehicles.

Sweaty, pissed-off workers that can't get fired, just yelling.

And they laugh at you.

"You got in the wrong line, you fucking idiot."

Then you go to an Apple Store. It's like a Stanley Kubrick film.

"Welcome to the Apple Store.

Do you like all of our beautiful toys?

Are you in the market for a 2017 fully-loaded MacBook Pro

with, wait for it, 264 gigabytes of storage?

Or would you like to visit the Genius Bar for some mental stimulation?"

I personally like making money in a capitalist country

and then going to a socialist country.

I love Italy. I love Italy because...

too much pressure in America, man.

You gotta do... Keep up with everybody.

But in Italy, they don't care what you make for a living.

You're just a person.

"Relax. Have a glass of wine.

It's Italy, all right?

Yeah, you make a little love. You have a little wine. It's all right.

Here, have some wine." "It's 7:00 a.m."

"Like I said, here we go.

Let's be honest.

We're never going to have a space program."

"Why go to the moon when you can sing to the moon?"

I feel income inequality on airplanes, man.

'Cause I have extra money, I get to ride in the pointy part of the airplane,

and you just feel like a rich prick.

You're up there.

You've got your New York Times and your champagne, a big leather seat,

and then-- and then they arrive.

The lost masses coming through the porthole.

Just hundreds of them, like refugees with carry-on the size of their bodies.