Spencer

- -

Hello, Three? All clear. Bring it in.

Brigade.

Once more unto the breach.

Yes, chef.

Where the fuck am I?

- Look, it's Diana. - Excuse me.

- I'm looking for somewhere. -

I've absolutely no idea where I am.

There are no signs anywhere.

Where am I?

Right.

"Half my weight's in jewellery, anyway."

Do you remember when she said that?

I wasn't here, but I heard about it.

Is she here yet?

Not yet, Ma'am, no.

Then she's late.

And he is early.

And yet she is late.

Well, well, well.

Excuse me!

- -

What the bloody hell are you doing here, Diana?

Sorry, I mean... Your Royal Highness.

I'm lost.

But if it's you, I must be close, yes?

Yeah, the house is just there but...

why are you driving yourself?

Well, cars don't drive on their own.

No.

Where's your driver? Where's your security detail?

I don't know.

I was in the café in Kensington giving some presents and...

I thought I might just...

drive.

Do they know?

No.

I just drove.

Well, anyway.

Hello again.

Hello, Darren.

Is everybody there?

Well, apart from Her Majesty, yeah.

Perfect.

Look.

Of course.

Now I know where I am.

We used to call him Bertie.

I think that's my father's coat he's wearing.

We used to live just over that hill.

Papa used to give the farmer his old clothes.

Gosh, how could I get lost in a place where I used to play?

We should really get going.

Will they kill me, do you think?

I'm going to check.

- Check what? -

Look, it's sandwiches in 15 minutes.

- It's Papa's, I'm sure of it. - Wait.

Say there was a big tractor broken down or something, eh?

Say you got lost.

Anything.

It's too late for trying broken tractors on them.

Her Majesty.

Your Royal Highness.

Hello.

No.

Gary usually lets me off.

Gary, Your Royal Highness?

The normal page. The usual Christmas page.

We have a thing between us, an understanding.

I don't usually do the getting-weighed thing.

I'm half jewellery, anyway.

That's what I always say.

I'm not, though.

- It's a joke. - Ma'am.

Her Majesty herself just a second ago sat on these scales.

And she was very insistent that everyone joins in.

- I don't think I've seen you before. - This is my first Sandringham duty.

To make sure everyone joins in.

They said no one is above tradition.

Okay, fine.

I'm in enough trouble.

- -

We have to put on three pounds minimum before we leave

to prove we enjoyed Christmas, yes?

That is the tradition.

It was Prince Albert in 1847 who began it.

- It's meant to be a bit of fun. - Well, it is, it's a lovely bit of fun.

I'll do what I can. But no promises.

I'm always catching up, always.

- They're all here, aren't they? - Yes.

Mm.

What happened?

A tractor broken down.

- I had to help mend it. My fingernails. -

- Is the bedroom cold again this year? - Yes, it is.

I always tell them. They never listen.

- Ma'am, if the bedroom's cold... - The bedroom's always cold.

It's a bit of fun. Tradition.

I will have more blankets delivered.

Why don't they just turn up the heating

instead of burying everyone in blankets?

- It's every year I say it. - Mummy?

What? Oh, look at you!

Mummy, I'm cold.

Who gave you this big, hilarious coat?

It's from the storeroom, Ma'am.

His Royal Highness kept saying he was cold.

Instead of heating...

they've dressed you up like Winston Churchill.

Your Royal Highness.

The family are all gathered in the drawing room for the sandwiches.

They are waiting.

The sandwiches.

The sandwiches. The holy sandwiches.

Good.

To the sandwiches.

I'll be there in a minute.

Ma'am.

- -

- -

Three days.

That's it.

Maggie.

Oh my God. Didn't they tell you?

I've got you again. I bagged you.

They gave me to you because I insisted.

Good.

Hope.

These are your dresses for the whole thing.

I have to run. Listen...

I've left a coat in my car.

I want you to clean it, sew it up,

whatever it needs.

A coat from where, Ma'am?

Ancient history.

Whose ancient history?

Spencer.

I was always last back.

Always late for everything.

I'd get home half an hour after the others and...

everyone would just laugh.

I'd actually forgotten all about the scarecrow until today.

I can't believe he's still watching over us.