Twinless

- -

["Danny Boy" playing over violin]

Yep.

Hi. I'm Judy.

- Roman. - I worked with Rocky.

Sorry.

It's like looking at a ghost. I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Have to get out of here.

Roman. Eric.

We've never met, but I feel like I know you.

I'm so sorry for your loss.

I'm-I'm here if you...

Oh, God. Your face.

It doesn't-- Actually, it doesn't seem like

you are trying to do your job. No, looks like--

It feels like you're doing the opposite of your job

'cause it should be pretty easy to cancel

- my dead brother's account. - Do you want this?

- I don't know. - Ma, I don't know.

I'm on the phone. No, do not put me on hold!

- Do you want these? - I-- Mom, please.

Don't tell me to fucking calm down!

I've been on the phone for, like, an hour--

- Hello? Fuck! - Roman,

do you want me to keep these or throw them away?

- Do we have to do this now? - We don't have the room,

but if you wanna keep everything--

Can we just do this tomorrow, please? Why?

Because I'm going back tomorrow.

Okay, but I'm gonna be here, so just leave it.

You're gonna pack up this entire apartment?

- Yes. Yes. - Oh, that's rich.

I'll do it myself-- What?

I don't think you should stay here. I don't think

- it's good for you. - Oh, come on. You don't know

what's good for me, Mom. You never knew

- what was good for me. Okay? - All right.

- You kidding me? - Well, then never mind.

- I won't help you. - Good.

- You can do all this yourself. - That's what I'm saying.

- That's-- Go. - I'll go back to the hotel.

- Don't call me. - Good. Good for fucking you!

Time-out!

Roman.

You need help.

You need help.

Well, that's true.

Hello, everyone.

It's seven o'clock, so I say let's get started.

I see some new faces here today,

so I thought it would be fun to go in a circle.

Say your name,

a vegetable that starts with the same first letter

and one thing you don't miss about your twin.

Charlotte. Carrot.

I don't miss Claire stealing my boyfriend.

No, I'm kidding.

I'm kidding. We won't go in a circle.

But Claire, she really did steal my boyfriend.

He couldn't tell us apart. But it still counts, right?

I miss her laugh.

We always laughed together.

We talked about doing this Abbott and Costello routine.

But I was too shy.

So, I said to myself I'll try stand-up.

Yep, and I'm about to test jokes on you,

so bear with me.

Okay, you ready? All right.

Raise your hand if you have a twin.

Okay.

This is a good crowd.

You know, so many people, they're always asking,

"Who's older?"

I am now that she's dead.

As a twin, it's like you internalize the difference

between you and your other half.

Claire's the outgoing one, Claire's the beautiful one,

Claire's the one with chlamydia.

I was so upset

when she got chlamydia without me.

We're supposed to do everything together.

Oh, I wouldn't eat that. Tastes like balls.

Mm, I like balls.

Oh.

Mm.

Oh, my God, that's so bad.

Are you, uh...

Am I...?

Oh, just-- You said you like balls, so...

Rocky, my brother, was gay.

Was your twin?

Um... No.

Right.

It's weird, isn't it?

Uh, epigenetics.

- Uh... - They're the things you inherit on top of your DNA.

They may account for discrepancies

between identical twins.

Huh.

Hey, do you get carsick?

- Sometimes. Why? - Oh.

Rocky always had to sit in the front seat

when we were kids, and...

I don't know, I just thought

maybe that was connected to, like, the gay gene.

If there is one.

Not that there is one.

Uh, it was just an idea. I'm no scientist.

Um, well, there is a gay gene.

Uh, we see orange as blue and blue as orange.

That's why there's so many homosexuals

- in the fashion industry. - Oh. See?

Well, there you go.

I'm sorry, you know that I'm joking, right?

That-that's not true.

Yeah. No, I knew that.

Okay.

I'm D-- uh, I'm Dennis.

Roman.

- What was your twin's name? - Are you hungry?

- Sorry, what? - Sorry. I was just gonna ask

if you like sandwiches. Never mind.

You sure you don't want some?

Mm, I'm okay.

- I forgot I already ate. - Mm.

- -

I don't drink caffeine 'cause it does things to me.

Then Brad converted me to tea. Herbal tea.

Brad was this guy I was in love with back in New York.

Then one day, I found all these goat-fucking videos

- in his browser history. - Whoa.

I tried to get him to confess, but I avoid conflict,

so at dinner, I'd order goat cheese on an entrée,

or one time when he was sucking on my neck, I bleated like...

See how he'd react. So, I know he knew I knew.

Maybe that's why he broke up with me.

He broke up with you?

Mm. He was the better catch.

I don't know anything about Rocky's boyfriends.

We didn't really talk about that stuff.

What stuff did you talk about?

Socks.

- Socks? - I get holes in all my socks.

I think it's 'cause I forget to cut my toenails.

Rocky thinks it's 'cause I shop at Walmart.

That was our last conversation.

I'm sorry.

Not your fault.

So, did you live with your brother?

Uh, no. Yeah, in college.

Mm. Rocky went to college. I stayed in Moscow.

Moscow, Idaho?

You know another one?

Another Moscow?

I need to get out of my mom's basement.

She started charging me rent.

Hmm. And how's she taking it?

Cash.

How is she feeling?

She's a nut bucket.

Rocky was her favorite, so...

Mm. I'm nobody's favorite.

Feel like being a twin kind of fucked me.

I never needed anyone else as a kid, you know, but now...

feel like I can't make friends with a fork.

Once, twice a week's not enough.

I want to hang out all the time. I'm-I'm too needy.

I hate doing things alone.

Cooking meals, opening mail,

- folding laundry. - Yeah.

So much faster with two people.

Right? I mean, honestly,

whoever invented the fitted sheet

should be flagellated. And not the fun kind.

You get me.

Rocky!

Long time no see. How are you? Did you get a haircut?

Oh. Uh, yeah.

This is so random.

I was literally thinking about you the other day.

I was reading an article about how there's a Japanese word

for people who die in their apartments...

- Mm. - ...and it takes a long time

for anyone to find the body-- Years even.

Old men mostly.

It's like a big problem over there.

Ah, that's awful.

Isn't it?

Anyway, I figured you knew this already

because you used to live in Tokyo, right?