D(e)ad

I don't wanna play soccer.

Let's go get ice cream and lotto tickets.

First of all, don't ever let your mother

hear the phrase "lotto tickets," okay?

And second of all, no, we can't. You can't, you ca--

you can't leave your team behind.

They're counting on you.

Do you know that goalie is probably

the most powerful position on the field?

I mean, it's just as important to save a goal

as it is to score one.

-They need you. -Really?

Are you kidding me?

You know that box around the goal?

That's your domain. That is your kingdom.

And if one of these little pasty bitches get inside that goal box,

I want you to roar so loud

that you just scare the shit out of them.

- -Wha--

-Oh, you think I'm kidding? -

I'm serious. Hey.

Inside that box, no one can fuck with you.

Now let's hear you roar. Come on.

I'm sorry, did I stutter? Let me hear you roar!

- -Oh! Oh, whoa!

Oh, God! Oh, God!

That was terrifying. I didn't expect that.

Oh, boy. You scared me.

I think I saw a ghost or something. Come on.

Yeah, but ghosts aren't real.

Hey, ghosts are extremely real, baby.

- What? Really? -Oh, yeah.

There's far too much paranormal phenomenon not to.

And it relates to a larger cosmology.

But there's a lot of psychic residue.

Powerful emotion and unfinished business.

Then again, the hell do I know?

You know everything.

I know everything about one thing.

I'm not going anywhere anytime soon.

You got me.

-Always. -Always?

Forever.

-You and me. -

- - Hi.

Yes, this is Matilda Grover.

Um, I'm calling because my father, Daniel,

helped me make this, uh, teen debit account

when I was a minor, which I still am.

A proud teen debit account holder.

And, uh, I would like to have him removed from the account...

...for personal reasons.

Uh, but I can just tell you.

Um, he's a charlatan.

Yeah.

Uh, um, grifter.

Uh...

...stole a bunch of money from my mom.

Um...

If you have a drop down, you can put "dead to me."

But my mom, Francesca,

uh, should definitely stay on the account

because she puts money in it.

Um, I love my mommy.

Hello?

I saw the cutest guy in my AA meeting,

and I was gonna set you up with him,

-but-- -You gotta stop that.

- I know. But you know what? -Shh.

It's okay because he died.

So... it's, like, problem solved.

No, no, no, no, no! Don't start it yet.

Violet's coming. She's gonna freak out.

I don't think she's gonna mind.

-She's been a lot more chill recently. -

-Is that true? -I'm losing my fucking mind.

Dad is dying of cancer, and nobody gives a shit

except for me, so...

-Hi. -What?

-Pausing the show. -

I'm gonna go, uh, check on the, uh...

-Cool. -He called several times when I was in court,

trying to keep a homeless kid out of the foster care system.

And, I'm sorry, what were you doing,

babysitting some rich lady's cats?

-They're dogs. -Right.

That's it. Ex-husband, father dying,

and nobody cares.

I obviously care. I just don't know what I'm supposed to do.

-Cure cancer? -You could try.

You could, or you could muster up any kind of compassion

for a loved one. Or are you too busy raising generationally wealthy dogs?

Oh, my God, I don't have to have compassion for him anymore.

That's why people get divorced.

Yeah, Mom, I'm obviously not talking about you.

-I'm talking about... -Me.

- Yeah. -Yeah, she's talking about me

because I did what everyone told us both to do

and I stopped talking to our addict dad,

who, by the way, had a gun collection.

Secret gun collection.

A secret gun collection.

Six guns is not a collection.

A secret six-gun collection.

So, I'm finding it a little hard to know what to do

-when you tell me he has cancer. -Well, you know what I found hard?

Trying to pass the bar exam while Dad was living in my front yard in his car.

I sent your grandpa over there to tell him to leave

-and he was gone already. -Yeah, not voluntarily.

They towed his car because there weren't enough wheels to put boots on.

I can't believe he figured out how to drive that car.

-Insane. -Did you see the tumor?

You're kidding.

Are we sure there's an actual literal tumor?

Doctors should show you proof.

Yeah, because he also told me

that he knew Quentin Tarantino,

and I never saw him.

I am the only one that cares about him.

I'm the only one that's there for him.

-You hear yourself, right? -I do. I have perfect hearing.

Violet, the man is a dangerous, destructive alcoholic,

and my Al-Anon sponsor says that

you need to at least let us detach with love.

Don't say "love." Don't say "detach with love."

He's not dangerous. He cried more than you did when your hamster died.

Because you had just gone to college,

he named it Violet, and then it ran away.

It was spelled differently, and you know that.

Please don't fight. It makes me feel like I'm a bad mom.

-You're not a bad mom. -You're not a bad mom.

Dad is a human being, okay?

And he raised you while Mom was working. Sorry.

He deserves your compassion.

Not from me. I don't have it for him.

- -He called me a cunt when I was 11 years old.

You were a cunt when you were 11 years old.

Grandma calls me a cunt all the time and I still see her.

Doesn't count from her because it's a term of endearment.

You don't get to say it's a term of endearment from her.

You don't get to say that. You don't get to decide whether or not

-it's a term of endearment. - From Grandma?

- Yeah. -Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.

Just to clarify, I worked because he did not.

And these are important feelings for me to have,

which is why I am gonna excuse myself and go write in my journal.

Oy vey.

She's just gonna leave. That's what she's gonna do.

Journal store is gonna have to put up a wing in her honor.

-Move. -I have to move.

Come on. Come on.

Okay.

Oh, my God, I wish I could have been there

when she got arrested.

You really should see him.

You'll regret it if you don't.

He's not gonna die.

- Okay. -No.

-I can feel you leaving. -I know. I got a date. Look.

-You go on so many dates. -Hold on. I go on so many dates.

-Look. I know. -Wow. He's very attractive.

Well, it's like his hair's a little bit swoopier here, but it's spot-on boy band.

- What are we doing? -Look.

-Oh, wow. -I feel like he needs water.

- That's a lot of tattoos. -What do you mean?

-He looks thirsty. -Okay, stop. This is-- Right.

-That's an expense. -No, I don't need the input, actually.

- -So, thank you. Thank you.

This was fun, guys. Seriously, what a good hang.

I love this. Um... Yeah, let's do this again

after I have a lobotomy.

-Something I said? -

You want to watch Housewives, Carl?

Uh, no. But I love you both.

-Love you. - I think you would really like it.

Uh, I don't know about that.

- My God. -

Oh, well, now she's too thin.

- -I heard she is on... Ozempic.

And so I tried to get it for myself,

-you know, but the doctor on the website... -

...said that I don't weigh enough,

so I lied and told him I weigh more than I do,

and then he didn't believe me, so I can't get it.

What?

I hope she uses protection with that tattoo guy.

- -

- -Oh, my God!

-I love having sex without a condom! -Yeah! Me too!

-See, we have so much in common already. -

If I haven't gotten pregnant yet, I can't!

Don't worry. Every time I try to donate sperm, they say, "Never mind."

-Okay, just shut up and lean back. -