Finding Your Feet

Straight through to the conservatory.

One always expected Mike to get the nod after a lifetimes loyal service.

That's not to take away from CBEs and OBEs.

Of course, any Order of the British Empire is a huge achievement.

No...

Uh, yes, that's for the kitchen.

Didn't Luke's school dinner lady get an MBE a couple of years ago?

Yes. MBEs tend to be for more...

- hands on service. - Hmm.

So, will you be expecting us to call you Lady Abbott from now on?

Not necessarily, but it does have a rather nice ring to it.

Come on. Let's have a naughty sherry.

- Not over there! - Sorry, Ma'am.

During my four decades on the beat, I've worked with some fantastic people.

I've also had the pleasure

of working with a number of great partners.

- Aw. -

- Not in the biblical sense of course. -

Joking aside,

there's been one very special person

who has walked the thin blue line with me every step of the way'

throughout every trial, case and verdict,

and that is my wife of 35 years, Lady Sandra Abbott.

Aw.

Thank you.

Are you losing sleep about what's going to be happening from here on in'?

No, thank you. What do you mean?

When Hugo retired,

I was on the verge of getting a part-time job in Waitrose

just to get away from him.

I'm not concerned about that, Janet

I've been planning our retirement for the last 35 years.

Oh, well, good for you, darling.

- Top up? - Oh' lovely. I'll spend a penny.

- Oh, are you enjoying it? - Marvelous!

flaws]

What the hell's going on?

We were just...

It's not what it looks like, Sandra.

Sandra'?

Sandra!

Sandra!

- Sandra, wait! - Get off me!

- How long has it been going on? - Let's not do this here.

- How long, Mike? - Since we all went to Sorrento.

Oh. Mandy he“.

That's nearly five years ago.

I've had enough of all this hide-and-seek, Mike.

How could you do this to me?

You're supposed to be my friend.

We even took you to the Palace.

I... I didn't mean for this to happen, Sandra.

Oh, really? You knew precisely what you were doing!

Now, please calm down, Sandra. Remember where you are.

I know exactly where I am. I'm in my own bloody home.

I have spent my entire married life putting you and your career first,

and what got me through was knowing that when you retired,

we would share our golden years together.

But instead,

you've traded me in for a newer model.

Let me tell you, Mike,

she's had more than one previous owner!

- - And, and her bodywork is mainly filler!

Mum!

- Dad, what have you done' - Sandra...

Sandra'?

- [Sandra! - {guests murmuring]

- -

Sandra'?

- Sandra! -

Please, let me explain.

The last thing I wanted to do was to hurt you.

I know it must seem like I've behaved in a terrible way, but...

Look, one thing led to another and...

Oh, you know how it is.

- Hello, Emma. - Hi.

- - Ooh!

Woo-hoo!

Excuse me!

It's women only in here.

Oi!

That's my handbag!

Come back here, you... Wait!

- - Gotcha.

Charlie!

Yeah, all ready to go this end, Ted.

- Bilge filter. - Check!

Rodding junction.

- Check. - Pump outlet.

Oil filter tank? Discharge connection”

Check, check, check!

Then we're good to go.

I'll start her up.

- She's sounding good, Charlie. - Yeah.

What's that'?

Jubilee clip.

Where from?

Oh, bollocks.

Stop! Stop! Oh!

- - Flipping hell!

- Turn it off. - I'm trying.

- -

Hello?

Charlie? It's Bif.

Is now a good time?

Uh, couldn't be better.

Some chancer took a fancy to my handbag.

Would you be a love and drop off my spare keys?

Yeah, I'll be there right away.

Thank you, Pru.

I really must get around to buying one of these

Why, when you can just borrow other people's.

Did you get a good look at him?

No.

By the time I made it to the top of the hill, I was seeing double.

Say when.

Woo-hoo-hoo! When! When! When!

Until he decided to press the red button.

I knew it was a mistake coming here.

How could I have expected you of all people to understand?

You've never stuck at a relationship in your life because it takes you away

from your devotion to yourself and your latest crackpot cause.

There's nothing crackpot about trying to safeguard the planet.

Oh, right, so what would happen to the human race

if everyone was too busy saving the planet to make time to procreate?

Oh, so the universe should be grateful that you and Mike had a knee trembler?

Ladies, could you please quieten down?

You're upsetting the other customers.

We're upsetting them?

How about the lifetime of heartbreak and betrayal

that is inevitably coming their way?

Not that I would expect you to understand with your cultural concubines

and polygamy-

I'm going to have to ask you to leave!

I beg your... How dare...

Officers, there's been a terrible misunderstanding.

I was simply having a very nice conversation

- with the young manager there. - Keep going.

And when the' uh, my hand inadvertously slipped.“

- Will you get your hands off me? - All right, madam, calm down.

I do hope you know who you're dealing with.

I'm married to the former Chief Constable of Surrey Police.

Her husband's been cheating on her.

I'm not surprised.

What did they charge you with?

Racial aggravation or drunk and disorderly'?

Could we discuss this in a less public forum?

Sure, I'm coming down. Chuck this in the bins, will you?

I came down to the station, but they said you were sleeping it off

This Isn't funny, Bif.

If you hadn't been bullying me, I wouldn't have got so upset

and thrown the onion bhaji at that woman.

It was a man and you assaulted him with a prawn dumpling

Why are you being so persnickety?

Listen, why don't you have an Alka-Seltzer, have a lie-down,

and I'll be back this afternoon.

- Why? Where are you going? - Dancing.

Very good! Good, good, good! And turn!

Turn! Flick! Flick!

- Flick! Flick! Flick! - Flick!

- Sorry, Corrinna. - Oh, no worries. You're with Ted.

I've worked out some new moves for us.

Might want to put your crash helmet back on.

Very nice.

Good, good! Sheila, great!

Hello?

Sandra, it's me.

Oh, yes.

Pamela's asked me to move in with her.

She wants us to make a fresh start together.

I thought it through,

and I've decided it's in everyone's best interest.

How very bloody thoughtful of you.

Sandra, I hope that with time,

you'll understand that I never set out to hurt you.

Hurt me? How about bloody destroyed me?

- -

Okay, everyone, let's take a break.

- Oh, I'll never get it. - Yeah. Here you go, Ted.

Payment for your labor the other day.

What? Danger money, you mean.

Oh, put it away.

How did your Internet date go at the weekend?

Well, let's just say, I got more than I bargained for.

- Ooh, lucky you. - No, he showed up with his wife in tow.

Turns out I'd clicked swinging instead of swimming on my list of likes.

Ooh.