Still Up

Interesting.

Hmm.

Uh. I'd have to say the chin.

You could live without a chin?

Oh, easily.

But what would stop your teeth from falling out the bottom of your face?

Trust me. I'd cope.

Anyway, it'd be a much better life than you with your "no knees."

Just two stiff legs. Ridiculous.

For instance, how would you drive a forklift?

That wouldn't concern me.

Break-dance. You couldn't break-dance.

Again... ...that is just not something that would affect my life.

I could easily live without knees. Especially my knees. I hate 'em.

There's nothing wrong with your knees.

What do you mea--? They're massive.

When I wear leggings,

it looks like I'm smuggling a couple of cauliflowers.

Interesting. See, I'd lean more towards satsumas.

Aw. Thanks.

- -

Oh. Veggie.

Do I want anything from the airport?

- A giant Toblerone. Obviously. - Obviously.

Looking forward to Veg coming home.

- Might cook him dinner. - What, you?

Yes. Thank you, Daniel. I can cook.

Anyway, tonight's the big night.

What time's Amy arriving?

Just after 9:00.

Uh, after she's finished with her last client.

Oh, yeah. What's she do again?

- Personal trainer. - Personal trainer.

Oh, I went out with one of them. Do you know what?

He used to stop foreplay to put his fitness watch on.

It was a bit of a mood killer, if I'm honest.

Really? Oh, that reminds me.

Uh, what's the password for the dating site again?

I just wanna check my DMs to make sure I'm not, like,

repeating myself with stories.

Yeah. Potato123.

Potato-- Potato123?

Yeah. Potato123.

- Potato123. Potato123. Potato123. - So, how did you, you know,

tell her about the whole not-being-able-to-go-out thing?

Oh, yeah. Yeah. You'll like this. Um...

- Mmm? - I didn't.

Oh, Danny, just tell her. She'll understand.

It's a first date.

I'll tell her when things get more serious.

Like when we're in a care home together.

All right. Fine. So what are you gonna cook?

Well...

- Where do you want it, Daniel? - On the counter. Cheers, Adam.

Is Adam cooking?

No, he just picked up a few things.

Ah! Take me with you.

- Hi, Adam. - Oh, hi, Leese.

How's the firefighting?

Yeah, good. Well, not good. No fire is good.

It's, like, our main rule.

Ah.

Okay. So, let me talk you through these.

I went foraging this morning, so it's as fresh as can be.

- Danny, did he just say foraging? - I think so, yeah.

So in here, you've got your nettles. This is the best time of year for them.

I'm surprised there's ever a good time to eat nettles.

Then you've got your wild garlic and your chestnuts.

Any questions?

- I don't know where to begin. Um-- - Okay, so, for me,

I like to fry it all up with oil and then have it with some wild rice.

- Mmm. - Have you got any wild rice?

- Do I have any wild rice? - No. You don't have wild rice.

Don't worry. I got you. I'll be back in a sec. Don't go anywhere.

Danny, don't you think Adam does enough for you?

He does your washing, shopping and now you've got him in the woods foraging.

He likes to lend a helping hand. I'm not gonna stop him.

- I think you're taking advantage. -

Here we go. Wild rice.

Brilliant. Thank you. Right, Adam. Listen up.

We were just talking.

If you had to live without a body part, what would it be?

Adam?

Adam?

Adam?

- Adam? - Adam?

I don't know what I could,

but I definitely couldn't live without my nose.

- Why not? - I'd just miss it.

- Hmm. - Did I ever tell you about that time

my uncle Brian worked in construction in the '90s?

So there he was with his mate Trevor, working away

when this six-foot sheet of metal above them comes loose,

falls down, misses my uncle, but whoosh--

- - Catches his mate Trevor.

- Slices the end of his nose off. -

Somehow my uncle found the tip.

And without a moment's thought ...

- No! Don't eat it! - ... he popped it in his mouth.

He put it in his mouth?

- Well, you would, wouldn't you? - No, you wouldn't.

- No. Why would you do that? - No. You wouldn't.

The mouth is the best place to keep it fresh.

No. I'm sorry. That just can't be true.

So wait. Your uncle sucked on his mate's nose?

That's just not hygienic. So what happened?

Well, they took Trevor and the tip to the surgeon

and got it stitched back on.

Now my uncle's godfather to Trev's daughter.

And as for his nose, from some angles, you would never know.

But from others, it did look a bit like a badly-split sausage.

Right. Well, I'd better shoot.

Gotta pop upstairs and help Mr. Shamim into his bath.

Any problems, I'm just across the hall, all right?

- Cheers, Adam. Appreciate it. - Bye, Leese!

Bye.

That guy's just too nice for his own good. I can't believe he's still single.

You know, you never say that about me.

But, Danny, I find it hard to comprehend

- that anyone ever went out with you. - Yeah. Fair.

I am joking.

She better be good enough for you, this Amy.

And she better not tease you about how weird you are.

What, like you just did there?

Well, yeah. But that's different. 'Cause I'm allowed.

Yeah. All right. I'm a bit terrified, if I'm honest.

You know, the whole talking,

texting to her from, you know, a distance of at least,

like, 14 square miles, that's terrifying enough.

But, uh, to have her here in the flat, yards away from my underwear drawer.

You know, expecting me to talk, say interesting things.

It's-- It's horrifying. Like I don't know how people do this, you know?

I don't have any stories to tell as well.

Because I've been inside all the time. So I have no anecdotes.

I know I've put too much aftershave on 'cause it's starting to redden and...

...it's starting to burn the nostrils.

Serious now, what are the chances that Amy's gonna be up for some nettles?

What, you mean nettles that a dog has almost certainly pissed on?

This is gonna be the worst date in history.

No, it's not. It's gonna be great.

Plus, I have already been on the worst date in history.

Tell me about it. 'Cause if it's good, I'm gonna package it as my own story.

Well, he chose the place.

We had a couple of beers. We had some good chat.

And then he suggested we move to a different setting. I said...

Yeah. Sure.

And that's when I realized our table wasn't just a table.

What's going on?

It was also a bike.

- Seven miles he made me cycle. -

- And for a week after ... -

... I walked around like a cowboy lost in a car park.

- Yeah. No, that's-- that's pretty bad. - Mm-hmm.

Uh, listen. I've been worrying about this all week.

- Mmm. - I've come up with a few ideas

that might help her feel more at ease.

Course you have. Go on then. Let's hear 'em.

Okay. First one.

Do I remove all doors on my cupboards

so that she knows I'm not concealing any weapons

or recording devices?

- No. - Okay. What about this one?

Should I put on two pairs of trousers?

You know what?

Why don't you just put a padlock on your flies?

I think that'll really put her at ease.

Well, 'cause it-- What do you mean? Really?

No! A man with no cupboard doors

and wearing two pairs of trousers would terrify me.

You know what you're trying to do?

- What? - You're trying to sabotage yourself.

I know what you're like.

You've got this self-destructive thing

where you think you should be unhappy and live alone for the rest of your life.

That does not sound like me.

I am a one-man roller coaster of happiness.

Well, one-man roller coaster of happiness, for one night only then,

why don't you try and enjoy yourself?

I hate trying to enjoy myself. It hurts my tummy.

- -

- That's her. - Yep. I know it's her. I can hear.

- Okay. - Um... Just relax.

- And, uh-- That's too much. - Okay. Okay.

No, leave them. They were nice.

Um... I'm okay. Um... Sh--

- Calm down. - I am calm.

Don't say "calm down" 'cause then I won't be calm.

Don't panic.

You're good. You've got this.

- Hey. - Hi.

Don't do that voice.

I know. Shut up.

Hang on. Um, yeah.

- Two seconds. - Oh. Okay.

Better.

It's her. She's here now.

- So, um-- I'm going to, uh-- Yeah. - Yeah, she's here.

- I'll keep you informed. - Okay.

You're good. You've got this.

Just be normal, okay?