Earthquake: Joke Telling Business

When I got out the military,

they said Atlanta is the mecca for Black people.

But when I got up here, they only had three hustles.

Illegal pharmaceuticals, stripping, and the music business.

I wasn't in none of those. So I went on and opened my own comedy club

and been in the joke-telling business ever since.

Atlanta! Atlanta!

Goddamn it. Goddamn it.

I love Atlanta. This is where I started.

Goddamn it. This is my comedy home.

Goddamn right, this is my comedy home.

I live in LA right now.

Yeah, that motherfucker was on fire.

Everything was burning.

My boys called me and said, "Quake, did you lose your house?"

I said, "Not to the fire."

Divorce took my goddamn house.

I can still see that motherfucker.

I was praying to God, "Burn that motherfucker down, God."

Give me the justice that the courts refuse to do.

I was in Portland, man,

and I go to Portland... and when I go to Portland, I'm surprised

because I have never seen so many struggling white people in my life.

Just laying homeless on the ground,

just like it's sofas or they're at the Ritz-Carlton.

I'm just stepping over them. Look at God.

I thought it just was us.

It was like New Jack City, man.

I'm telling you, the car,

but they was all on drugs and just good white folks.

You could just tell they had mothers and fathers and dreams.

One white homeless dude came, and said, "Brother, can you spare a dollar?"

I said, "Absolutely not."

"You white, for cryin' sakes."

Shake it off.

Pull yourself up from your bootstrap.

All you need is a shower and a suit, and you'll be my supervisor by tomorrow.

These ain't jokes.

I'm telling you that's how it is, man, but it's getting rough out here.

Chick came to me the other day and said,

"Quake, I'll suck your dick for a dozen eggs."

I said, "What you do for two?"

I get mine from Costco. They give you three dozen.

I give you two for that thing-a-thing thing.

Man, she sucked my dick and ate my groceries.

I'm selling chickens now.

Anytime she comes over, you gonna get some chicken from me.

These ain't jokes.

I've seen a homeless dude with a girlfriend.

Then I start thinking, "You're a bad motherfucker."

"You had a bitch that lives with you underneath the bridge."

You are slinging some dick.

You know how good your dick gotta be for a bitch to live with you outside? Nigga...

You got that mm, mm, mm.

You got that one-hitter quitter, that bitch gotta get her.

That's an outstanding dick.

And she was faithful, she was devoted. 'Cause it was raining outside.

She was mopping up the motherfucking corner,

keeping the water from going underneath the tent and shit.

I said, "What kind of dick do he got?"

She was under the bridge, dusting it.

Had pictures of her begging for food.

I said, "What kind of dick does he got?"

Two days later, I came outside.

She was on the corner by her damn self with a sign,

so I immediately thought that they had broke up.

Till I looked at the sign.

The sign said, "We will work for food."

That's when I knew they were still together.

I started looking for him to see where he was at.

This motherfucker was underneath the tree taking a nap

while his woman was on the corner begging for goddamn food and money.

I couldn't take it no more.

I stopped my car, went over there, woke that motherfucker up and said,

"Pull your pants down. Let me see what you got."

"I need to see what kind of dick you need to sling

to get this kind of effort out of a woman."

I bought my wife a house and a car,

and I can't get this bitch to fix me a sandwich.

So who the real hoe in these streets?

You come home late at night, drunk as shit.

"Baby, can you fix me something to eat?"

"Well, I had a long day."

But this nigga got his bitch cleaning up outside now.

I don't ask for much, but you gotta outwork a homeless bitch.

Now get your ass up and fix me something to eat

before I take you outside and put her ass inside.

These ain't jokes.

We got a new president now.

He ain't playing.

You know who he is?

Mr. Charlie.

White boy hatcher.

And he ain't playing at all, motherfucker. He is not playing.

Where my Latinos at?

Damn, only two?

Trump done threw your ass out of here quick.

I'll say this from the bottom of my heart. I think I speak for all Black people.

Good luck.

That white man looking for you.

You're hot right now.

Split up.

This ain't the time to be riding six, seven deep in a pickup truck.

He gonna throw your ass up out of here. You don't know this white man like I do.

Stay away from Home Depot.

Don't pick up no lawn mower. Don't move no refrigerator.

Don't you do none of that shit.

That white man looking for you.

And don't sell no fruit on the side of the road.

He know goddamn well you don't get all that fruit for five dollars.

And sell American food.

Don't fuck with no tacos, enchiladas, none of that shit.

And if you gonna sell American food,

make sure your ass know the condiments that go on it.

Mayonnaise don't go on corn on the cob.

Butter, salt, and pepper.

These ain't jokes.

I'm just trying to keep they ass in here. And Black people, y'all better not laugh.

This is a test run for our ass.

We next.

I ain't lying to you. We fucking next.

You gonna go see your boy. "Where Tyrone at?"

"Man, Trump done sent that nigga to Nicaragua."

He said, "All real niggas gotta go to Nicaragua."

If you a real nigga, you going to Nicaragua.

He ain't fuck with me, yo. I'm African American.

Trump a bad motherfucker, dawg.

These ain't jokes.

Hey, listen. I thought Kamala was gonna win.

I support Black women. I was so confident, nigga.

I fell asleep on the election.

Woke up the next morning and looked at the map.

I said, "Who shot America?"

Did she win any votes?

Did you count my vote?

What happened to the AKAs, and...

And the Deltas and the... the Swifties,

and the Beyhives, and the Mad Bunnies,

and the women's right to vote?

What happened to them motherfuckers?

Trump whooped all they ass. Whooped all they ass.

But you know what... know what I learned watching that election?

I learned one goddamn thing.

There's no such thing as an unqualified white man.

His pigmentation is his qualification.

Because Trump had 34 felonies,

and he still became President of the United States.

I know R. Kelly in jail madder than a motherfucker.

"I only have four and you won't let a nigga sing a song."

"He can be president, but I can't drop an album?"

"I gotta sing through a collect call."

We gotta get R. Kelly back home.

We got to get R home.

R got to come home.

But he's coming home because they got Puffy now.

You know the rule, nigga. One nigga in, one nigga out.

Goddamn Puffy. Got his ass.

That sexual assault is, damn...

They're trying to get Smokey.

I'm so glad my mama ain't allowed to see this shit.

She'd be in court every day. "That's not my Smokey."

"Look at his eyes."

"He don't have to take no pussy. Look at that Smokey."

I do a lot of goddamn interviews, you know,

because all these people coming back making these accusations.

One dude came to me. The reporter said, "Quake,

do you feel any women in your past gonna come back

and say that you took advantage of them or something?"

I said, "Hell nah."

He said, "Damn, you said that shit with confidence."

I said, "I'm very confident." He said, "Why are you confident?"

I'm confident because I paid for all my pussy.

Every piece of it.

I earned every pussy. I ain't never got no free pussy.

I had to walk them home from school. I had to do all that shit.

Help them with their homework, raise another man's child.

I earned all my pussy.

These ain't jokes.

When I read the indictment, sexual assault and sexual trafficking,

that's the one that got me.

It said, "Sex trafficking means you went to another state to have sex."

I'm like, "Oh shit."

"I'm a sex trafficker."

I've been sex trafficking all my life.

I got to turn myself in.

These ain't jokes.

I could never go over to another woman's house in another state

that wasn't my woman and sleep over at her house.

I don't do away games.

Home field advantage or neutral site.

Ain't no way I could ever do that shit.

All you men, sit down there and go stay over at another woman's house,

sleeping, and it ain't your woman, you got nuts.

Fuck around and fall asleep, her last boyfriend got a key,

come in that motherfucker, hit you in the head.

Now you woke up with your dick out fighting them.

Come on, let me put my dick back here.

You got some drawers? Let me put my drawers on.

You sitting there wrestling with your dick on his thigh.

You be like, "Come on, man, let me take my dick off your thigh."