Shrink

Okay.

Good morning.

Whenever you're ready, Dr. Carter.

Should I just... Do you just want me to start talking?

Yeah, yeah. I'll just give you a cue.

Happiness Now, take one.

Happiness.

"Happiness" is a word for a feeling.

Feelings are rarely understood in the moment.

They are quickly forgotten,

and almost always mis-remembered.

And besides, feelings are totally full of shit.

"Feelings are full of shit"?

I don't have that here, Doc.

But... we'll go again.

Right.

Okay, we're still rolling.

Happiness Now, take two.

Happiness.

"I don't think life is absurd.

"I think we're all here for a huge purpose.

"I think we shrink...

I think we shrink from the immensity of the purpose we are here for."

Go write that motherfucking screenplay right now.

Let's go, people.

Jemma.

Did you study?

For what?

Periodic tables?

You didn't study.

Come on, come on. Walk, everybody.

- Morning, Dr. Carter. - Morning, Miyu.

- How we looking today? - Busy.

Your Happiness Now is number seven on the bestsellers list.

I'm gonna go outside.

One, please.

Shouldn't you be in school?

- Yes, sir. - Are you listening?

- Yes, I am. - Plastics.

"PRACTICE MAKES PERFECT"

Yeah.

Hey. It's time.

Let the healing begin.

I can't sleep.

I can't stop washing my hands.

I keep thinking somebody's trying to kill me.

I'm pretty sure that I'm gonna get ball cancer from the cell phone.

Earthquakes, AIDS, air pollution.

I'm worried about everything.

I mean, I saw this thing on television

about the icebergs melting.

I mean, holy shit. If that is for real, we're fucked.

- Okay, just slow down. - No, I'm a licensed pilot.

I have a black belt in Tae Kwan Do.

This sort of thing cannot be happening to me.

Panic, anxiety, obsessive behaviors... these things can happen to anybody.

I did a lot of blow in the early '90s. Do you think that could have...

No, that wouldn't have anything to do with it.

- I mean a lot. - No.

All right.

When I was in school, they gave me these tests.

Apparently, I'm a genius.

A literal, fuckin' genius.

Do you feel pressured to live up to that kind of label?

No, that's the thing. It's not a label.

I actually am a fuckin' genius.

I mean, I have this, like,

borderline idiot savant thing,

like, 548 times 297

is 162,765.

I don't even want to know that.

I just do.

I am superstitious and I am freaked out

because there are germs everywhere.

And there is danger everywhere.

And I don't know how I'm supposed to feel safe.

Do you know why you feel this way?

Honestly?

That's why I came to you.

- 12, 13... - Hey, Richie. Hey, O.T.

Jemma, you won't believe this.

My friend Teddy shit his pants at school today.

14, 15...

- Hey, Uncle Jim. - The school called.

Is Lucy here?

Got her working a double again.

Richie, what the fuck are you doing?

- I have to do these. - I can't concentrate in here.

I'm trying to pay some bills, Richie.

- Be quiet! - I have to do these.

Damn.

- Hey, man. - Hi.

How you doing?

Well, I could be better.

Well, would a car wash make you feel any better?

I always love a car wash.

All right.

You've got Don Juan,

Jamaican Red, John Wilkes Booth, Northern Lights,

Mexican Airlines, Mississippi Blonde,

Kentucky Bluegrass, Wickki Sticks,

Pakistani Black...

What is Pakistani Black?

Pakistani Black, if you'll notice... the seeds are black.

So it's literally... It's quite literal.

- Okay. - There's Pussy Finger.

It's my personal favorite.

I think I'd like to try Purple Fuck Dust this week.

You sure? That's not one of our bestsellers.

- Really? - It's not. I don't know why.

I definitely want some Pussy Finger.

- Definitely. - Yes, that's...

Number 175. Do you want the dub sack?

Yeah, a dub sack of both of those would be great.

But what is Toasty Brunch?

Hey, this is all weed.

"Interior.

Apartment in Silver Lake. Night."

"Exterior. The jungles of Vietnam, 1966.

Charlie everywhere. No way out."

"Exterior. Civil War."

Son of fucking Jesus Christ.

"Exterior. Alcatraz."

"Exterior. Mexico."

"Exterior. A space station in the not-so-distant future."

No. "Interior.

Hogwarts School for fucking wizards!"

Toughbook.

Glorious, glorious Toughbook, I love you so.

Listen, you fucking asshole, I don't care what he told you.

I'm the agent, and I'm telling you.

I'm so done with you.

Get the guy who writes the checks to call me,

you third-string, pussyfoot asshole.

Daisy, I'm in the lobby.

- Okay, I'm here. - Call The Chateau.

- Make sure Shamus is up for lunch. - Yes.

- Call the Viceroy, table for two. - Sure. Done.

And this time, can we get a table in the corner?

I don't like people behind me.

- Okay. - It's weird.

- It creeps me out. - It is weird.

Put that down in general. Nobody behind me in restaurants.

- Mop, there's a mop in my lobby. - Okay.

- Nobody shakes my hand. - Yes.

Nobody behind me in restaurants.

And can I please get someone to hold the elevator for me?

- Yes. - Is that too much to ask?

Of course. I'm sorry.

- I'm out of the elevator now. - Okay, I'm ready for you.

- You see the tracking on Norsemen? - Norsemen.

Daisy, it is DEFCON 5 in the men's bathroom.

There's no motherfucking bar of soap in there.

- Bar of soap, okay. - There's no soap in the soap thingy.

It's just a fucking dish and a goddamn bar of soap.

I mean, what is this? A gas station?

- We got to get a soap guy in here. - I'll do it over lunch.

Yeah, but Dave Levine is using that soap.

Do you know how many pros he's been with?

- Yeah. - Disgusting.

You know what? Let's just buy some soap.

- Done. - Lots of soap.

Liquid, antibacterial, hospital grade.

It's going to be my soap. Private collection.

That's how we're doing it.

What else you got? Hit me.

I wore gloves.

Okay. You need to send Michael Burns and his goomah

a "thank you" note for dinner last Friday evening.

- Why? - Because it's good manners.

Listen, I need you to go... No, get a guy.

Find a guy, like an intern or something.

And I need him to go to this place and take a shit on that guy's doorstep.

Wow, are you... Are you serious?

Yeah.

Listen, I know you're knocked up, but let's show a little hustle on that soap.

And get that guy to shit on that doorstep.

That is mission critical.

Hey, Jack, would you mind

if we switched our appointment next week to 5:00...

5:00 is when I start drinking usually, but...

All right, then, forget about it.

You think I'm a sex addict?

No, I think you might be an alcoholic.

Now, I'm a functioning alcoholic.

Yeah, we've talked about this, Jack.

That's a very misleading term.

In my day, I balled a lot of chicks, you know.

The stories are true.

Yeah, I know, you've been sexually active, yes.

Damn right I was active.

Wow, it was amazing.

Then I got married ten years ago.

Promised to give all that up, you know.

Hung up my spurs. Put the pony in the paddock.

Yeah, you might also put it that you made a commitment.

Yeah. I did.

No more chasing strange,

no more French wrestling.

Do you love your wife?