The More the Merrier

Our vagabond camera takes us to beautiful Washington D.C.,

the national capital of our United States,

situated on the broad banks of the Potomac River.

Living is pleasant and leisurely.

For it is a city of formality and custom.

Manners and courtesy

are responsible for the well-ordered conduct

of its daily affairs.

The many fine restaurants of Washington

are the delight of the epicurean and the gourmet,

where one may enjoy to the full

the rare dishes of the old South.

Washington's beautiful homes

have the quiet dignity of another day.

Our trip would be incomplete

if we neglected to visit the quiet, staid,

and dignified residential section.

It is with pride that we view hospitable Washington,

friendly Washington,

welcoming us to her doorstep,

eagerly throwing wide her doors.

I'm sorry, there are no vacancies.

Positively no vacancies.

I have a reservation.

Oh, well, pardon me. Uh, what was the name, sir?

Benjamin Dingle.

Senator Noonan made the reservation.

Well, just a moment, Mr. Dingle.

Oh, yes, we have the reservation.

Good.

Senator Noonan engaged a suite beginning the 24th.

This is only the 22nd. You're two days early.

Anything wrong with being two days early?

Why no, sir.

Everybody ought to be two days early.

When this nation gets two days early, we'll be getting somewhere.

Yes, sir, but unfortunately,

this suite won't be vacated until day after tomorrow.

Can you connect me with Senator Noonan?

The senator is out of town.

When will he be back?

Well, he was due back, uh,

day before yesterday,

but he's... He's, uh...

Two days late.

Yes, sir.

Well, when Senator Noonan gets back late,

tell him I was here early.

Yes, sir.

Are all you people here in answer to the ad

in the paper about the apartment?

Sure, I am, sir.

I'll take it.

I'm sorry, but the apartment is all rented.

What do you mean, rented?

Why, it isn't 5:00 yet.

I'm very sorry,

but the apartment is all rented.

If there should be another vacancy, there'll be another ad.

May I ask

why you put us to the bother of coming here?

No, you may not.

Well, good day.

You know what Admiral Farragut said:

"Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

"Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead.

"Damn the torpedoes, full speed ahead."

How do you do? How do you do?

I'm Benjamin Dingle.

You certainly are. I'm about the apartment.

I'm sorry, I've already rented it.

Just a moment, young lady. Do you think you know me

well enough to lie to me? Yes.

Even so, you shouldn't do it. Do you realize

that practically most of the trouble in the world

comes from people lying to people.

Just take Hitler for instance. He's the...

I'm sorry, mister, but I'd prefer...

Mr. Dingle.

Mr. Dingle, I'd prefer sharing my apartment with a lady.

That's fine, so would I. Um,

I'm sure you'll be happier some place else.

I've been there.

Now look, please, we've...

Think of my position. I can't go around

just renting my apartment to anybody.

I'm not just anybody. Besides, I'm only doing it

due to the housing congestion in Washington.

You said it.

I... I think it's my patriotic duty to take somebody in,

because everything is so overcrowded.

I'm overcrowded.

Why don't you go to the YMCA?

I'm too old.

- Or the... The veteran's home. - Too young.

Well, I don't know what to sugg...

Sooner or later, I'm gonna rent half of this apartment.

Suppose I have a look at it, eh?

Say, you're pretty sure of yourself, aren't you?

Once upon a time.

I... Really, you wouldn't be happy here at all.

Home is where you hang your hat.

This way?

Now, listen... Just looking,

just looking.

It's no use, your looking,

because I've made up my mind to rent to nobody but a woman.

Let me ask you something.

Would I ever want to wear your stockings?

No.

All right.

Would I ever want to borrow your girdle

or your red and yellow dancing slippers?

Of course not.

Any woman, no matter who, would insist upon borrowing

that dress you've got on right now. You know why?

Because it's so pretty.

I made it myself.

Then how would you like it if she spilled a cocktail all over it

at a party you couldn't go with her to,

because she'd borrowed it to go to it in?

She might have something that I could wear.

Not her. Why not?

Because she's so dumpy looking.

Never has anything clean.

That's why she's always borrowing your dresses.

How do I know you'd be any better?

Well, look at me.

I'm neat, like a pin.

Ah, let me stay.

Well, look, I can't... I'll tell you what.

We'll try it out for a week.

End of the week comes, if you're not happy,

we'll flip a coin to see who moves out.

Who is it? Me, of course.

Come in, of course.

Here's your copy of the...

Here's a copy of the morning schedule.

Huh? The morning schedule.

Oh, the morning schedule.

Yes, it's a matter of efficiency.

You just follow this, and we won't have any trouble.

Here, I'll show you.

You see this is the floor plan of the apartment.

Here's, uh, my room, here's your room,

here's the bathroom, and here's the kitchen.

Now, my alarm goes off at 7:00, and we both get up.

And at 7:01, I enter the bathroom.

Then you go down to get the milk

and, by 7:05, you've started the coffee.

One minute later, I leave the bathroom,

and a minute after that, you enter the bathroom.

Now, that's when I'm starting to dress.

Three minutes later, I am having my coffee

and, a minute after that, at 7:12,

you leave the bathroom.

At 7:13, I put on my eggs,

and I leave to finish dressing.

Then, you put on your shoes and take off my eggs at 7:16.

At 7:17, you start to shave.

At 7:18, I eat my eggs

and, at 7:21, I'm in the bathroom, fixing my hair

and, at 7:24, you're in the kitchen, putting on your eggs.

At 7:25, you make your bed.

7:26, I make my bed.

Then, while you're eating your eggs,

I take out the papers and cans.

At 7:29, you're washing the dishes

and, at 7:30, we're all finished.

You see?

It's really very simple.

Do we do all this railroad time or eastern war time?

When you hear my alarm go off, you'll know it's 7:00.

You're a very systematic girl, aren't you?

I used to work in the Office of Facts and Figures.

Good night.

Miss Milligan. By the way,

why aren't you married, Miss Milligan?

Well, really!

Some high type, clean-cut, nice, young fellow.

If you don't mind, Mr. Dingle.

Of course, there's not many men about nowadays,

but there's always one if you're out to get one.

Maybe I don't want to get married.

Well, don't you?

Well... Or maybe you do.

Well... Come, come, Miss Milligan.

Make up your mind. Make up my mind?

You know, "Damn the torpedoes, full steam ahead!"

That's what Admiral Farragut said.

Of all times, Miss Milligan,

this is no time to be indecisive, in.

If you expect to get along here, Mr. Dingle,

you'll have to learn to mind your own business.

In these days, Miss Milligan, everybody's business is everybody's business.

War brings people closer together, you know.

Not you and me, Mr. Dingle. Good night.

Mind your own business.

Who was in his own room minding his own business when who else

but you, of course, came in? One more thing.