Me and Mrs Jones

# We spend all our time lying side by side

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting busy, doing nothing

# We spend all our time running for our lives

# Going nowhere It's really something

# Getting busy, doing nothing

# Getting busy, doing nothing. #

I've proposed before.

The first time was to my cousin when we were seven.

He declined because I smelt of wet tennis balls.

Then to Gemma, but just to be clear,

I loved her a lot, lot less when I asked her.

Sorry, you do realise I'm standing right here when you say that?

Totally lame.

Girls, what did you think?

- Er, could do better. - I liked it.

- If I'm being honest, everything you're saying sounds a bit... - Lame?

When I proposed to you when we got married, was that lame?

No.

Right, I'm out of here.

Oh, no, no, Alfie, hang on!

Wait, wait, wait, wait! Look, please. Remember Operation Badger Removal.

We've got to get Jason out of here, it's like we're married again.

We've got to get Inca to say yes to his proposal.

Do you want to listen to him singing Angels every morning for the rest of your life?!

IMITATES JASON

# When I'm lyin' in my bed

# Thoughts running through my head

# And I feel like love is dead

# I'm lovin' angels instead

# And through it all... #

Fine!

- Have a go on me. - I'm not proposing to you.

Oh, well, tough, because I'm sick of saying no to you.

Fine.

IMITATES INCA

Yason, you want to be speaking to me?

Oh, that is eerie.

OK.

- Inca, I like you. - You like me?! Oh, well, big bloody deal!

You like eating the sausages made from the hooves and the lips!

- Oh, forget it. - Oh, Alfie, stop it.

Is that legal? Aren't you related or something?

- Well, not by blood. - Oh, hang on!

You've got the gift of the gab. How would you propose to a woman?

I don't know, I haven't given it much thought.

Oh, come on, laughing boy. Give us what you've got.

Oh, Jason, he doesn't have to. I mean, you really don't have to.

- Come on, Billy! Please. - Yeah, come on, please.

OK. Probably something like...

You come to love not by finding the perfect person,

but by seeing an imperfect person perfectly.

You are my imperfect person,

and I see you...

..perfectly.

I do.

That was so wet, man.

- Right, I'm taking the van, helping Billy move. - All right, see ya.

Billy, hang on. Where are you off to?

What are you doing?

Billy's got a new flat above the bar - it goes with the chef's job.

Billy's a chef?

Oh, yeah, I guess he must be. Laters!

Goodbye, Billy.

You truly are descended from kings and poets!

Ha-ha!

Too much?

Was he crying a bit?

- What can I say? I leave an impression. - Yeah, a big girl's one.

- So are you actually a chef? - Yes.

- Like a qualified one? - Yes, I passed exams and everything.

What, so you could, like, cook a steak?

Yes!

Right, the operation depends on you two.

You know what to do?

Emotionally blackmail Inca into coming to our barbecue.

And if she refuses to come, we bring out the big guns.

THEY SCREAM

Girls, don't be afeared, it is Inca, in Green Coffee body wrap.

You look like a sea monster.

Can you come to ours for a barbecue today?

I am thinking no. I am being vegetarian.

Please.

Oh, girls, don't do the sad frowns.

Your face is a map of your life.

Look at your mother's face, what a journey!

- Will Yason be being there? - No. - Yes.

THEY CRY

Ah, they miss you so much.

Of course they do, I am like mother to them.

It's OK, little ones, of course Inca will come.

THEY CHEER AND LAUGH

I don't know why Gemma asked you to do this.

I mean, anyone can defrost meat.

This is fresh.

Anyway, I am only too happy to be involved.

I've got some hickory smoked barbecue wood chippings,

which should help infuse the food as it cooks.

You know, it's the cooking of the food that really matters, not the, er, the preparation.

Oh, wow!

Oh, yes, she's quite something, isn't she?

Spanish leather. Only, I think she's fitted to my hips.

I'm proposing to Inca.

- I could hide the ring in one of these little pouches. - That's wonderful news.

I proposed to Selina in Montana.

We were on an authentic cattle ranch vacation.

Oh, she was on a high, having just lassoed a frisky bullock.

Have you, have you heard from her,

since we made the drunken booty message call?

I don't think she liked it when I said that her bum looked big in a certain light.

Jason,

I'm having doubts about Gemma.

Is it her elbows?

- Because they used to really creep me out. - What? No.

- Is it because she looks like an angry squirrel when she sleeps? - We haven't got that far. - Oh.

No, it's just that I'm not sure I'm fully over Selina and it's not fair on Gemma to...

- Mini-break! - What? - Take Gemma on a mini-break. Spend some time together.

I wasn't sure about Inca until we cruised the Norfolk Broads

and I saw her in a bikini.

Nothing wrong with her elbows.

HE SNIGGERS

Wow! Why are you all in costume?

- Flynn said it was fancy dress. - Oh, well it's not.

- Flynn! - All right, mate? Where's your magic carpet?

Left it at home? Sensible move.

Wouldn't want to drink and fly!

I don't drink.

Nice threads by the way. You're the bouncer, right?

A lot of people say I've got the build to do that.

THEY LAUGH

Let me give you a hand with the, er...

Thank you.

Ooh, it's not light ale, is it? Here we go.

You've got time to go home and change, you know.

Why? I've got the body to rock this look.

Not if you eat all that, you haven't.

I'm going to dip the strawberries in the chocolate.

I dipped a bit of Nero in chocolate last night.

Used him like a human fondue.

You're insatiable.

- Says she with two men on the go. - I haven't got two men on the go.

Er, Tom and Billy.

Two men on the go.

Oh, God! I have got two men on the go.

Ah, all moved, are we?

Yep. Just popped back to give you these and say thank you.

Oh.

Oh, I say.

That is a blockbuster of a wine, thanks.

You know, I'm going to miss our man moments.

Well, you know where I'll be, and your first meal is on the house.

To think all this time I've had a professional chef under my roof.

If I'd known, we could have spent our evenings devouring Rick Stein and Nigel Slater.

Oh, well, I'm sorry to have missed that.

I'm just booking a mini-break for Gemma and I.

- I'm going to surprise her. - Wow.

- A yurt in the Lake District. - A yurt?

A portable bent wood frame dwelling structure,

traditionally inhabited by Turkic nomads.

So, like a big tent.

You don't think it'll scare her off?

She is easily scared off, you know, skittish.

What do you think?

I think...if you truly like her and she truly likes you,

it doesn't matter where you are.

A yurt it is.

Beer?

Lemonade.

Your wish is my command, O Master.

JASON CHUCKLES

Ooh, I bet you must feel like a right plonker dressed like that!

No.

So, are you going to let me rub your lamp?

Sorry, that didn't quite sound right.

Right. Well, that barbecue isn't going to light itself.

Do not fear, Alfie is here! Right, I'll light it for you.

- Back off, I'm in charge of making fire. - All right.

Good. All the equipment here, just need the, um...

Oh! Ha-ha! Stand and deliver! Your sausage or your life!

Yeah, yeah.

You know, I do it old school, Nemo.

- Nero. - I don't hold with these gas barbecues, Nemo. They're for girls.

Right. Lucky mitt.

OK, stand back, guys, we don't want any singed moustaches,

- do we, Fran? - JASON LAUGHS

Did you see what I just did then, about the moustache thing?

Implying that Fran's got a...

Sorry, I didn't mean to...

Oh! Oh! Argh! Oh!

These are my favourite Chinos!

ALFIE LAUGHS

Oh, bloody hells bells!

Hello? The latch was on the snib.

Oh, Tom, Poppy,

Billy.

Lovely to see you...all.

You have chocolate all over your face.

- And all over your kitchen. - Yes, I like to get mucky.

A tidy house indicates a tidy mind. So your mind must be very mucky.

- Poppy's studying Freud. - The father of psychoanalysis.