The Other Guys

In New York City, there's a fine line between law and chaos.

On that line live Danson and Highsmith.

Tell me again why I decided to get on this roof!

I think you can chalk that up to bad life choices.

Get rid of that asshole.

-Uh-oh! -I hate it when you say "uh-oh!"

Dude, you put a ding in my hood!

Come on with it, then!

Whoa, hey!

That's trouble.

Did someone call Nine-One-holy-shit?

That's it. I'm sick of all this running.

Hang on!

You have the right to remain silent!

But I wanna hear you scream!

Down on the ground!

Detective! Yeah, yeah! Detective!

One at a time, all right?

Yeah, Detectives, Rick Grayson, New York Observer Online.

These suspects were caught with only a quarter pound of marijuana,

a misdemeanour in some states.

Do you think this arrest was worth $12 million in property damages?

Why don't we let New York City answer that question?

The greatest city on Earth, yeah!

Hi, Sarah Gapone from TMZ print edition.

Danson, are the rumours about you and Kim Kardashian true?

No comment.

But, yes.

Danson and Highsmith, free hot dogs for life!

No drinks. No drinks. I can't do it. I can't do it.

Danson and Highsmith shoot, drive, and sex with style. They're rock stars.

Then you got your jokers, your ball busters, your vets...

...and the other guys.

We know, we know. We know.

All right, all right, all right. Listen up, listen up!

We're having a celebration tonight at Butter.

Brody Jenner's gonna be there. Bai Ling.

-That little short bitch from Jersey Shore. -Yeah!

And most of you are on the list.

You're the best.

Guys, I'm gonna say something right now.

It's about a man who came from Austria with a dream.

-Arnold Schwarzenegger! -Let me finish.

He became a champion and then a movie star, all right?

-Arnold Schwarzenegger! -God damn it, let me...

They ruined the story. They ruined the story.

Let... What... The point is,

we couldn't do our job if it weren't for you guys doing all the paperwork,

answering the phones, and all that stupid shit that we don't like to do.

All the gun fights, all the car chases,

all the sex we don't wanna have with women, but we have to,

all due to what you guys do. Thank you.

And we'd do it again and again.

Hey, you shut your face!

If we wanna hear you talk,

I will shove my arm up your ass and work your mouth like a puppet!

You hear me? You hear me?

-Cash bar. -Yeah.

Peace out, bitches.

Hey, fellas. All right, bring it in.

Come on. Bring it in a little bit.

All right, right there.

Just back up, just like right there.

All right, just one... Just a...

There you go, right there. Right there.

This is their paperwork. You know they're not gonna do it.

That's right. This paperwork is like Bob's wife here.

It's thick, ugly, got Danson's fingerprints all over it.

-No offence, Bob. -That's all right.

-Anyway, now who wants it? -I do!

All right! Paper Bitch and Yankee Clipper on the case!

-Nice work. Thanks, Allen. -Thank you, Captain.

"I'll do it! I'll do it!"

Stop humming that song!

-I can hum if I want to. -No, I know you can.

I'm asking you to stop.

-Well, if you're asking, then I'll stop. -Thank you.

Could you not smile like that?

Now you're asking me to mask my emotions because of how it makes you feel.

That I will not do.

Seriously, stop humming! Okay?

This isn't accounting or wherever the hell

you and your little pocket calculator were transferred from.

Forensic accounting, okay. And it's an important part of the job.

Yeah, whatever. Stop being so overtly happy about doing shit work, you moron.

Hey, guys. Reminder.

The police union picnic's coming up this weekend.

My wife's making her famous devilled eggs, again. My waistline's furious.

It's a bad time, Bob!

All right.

Going to get a slice.

You know what I just did?

I just walked out that door, saw a couple detectives,

and I was about to start bad mouthing you behind your back,

but I stopped myself, because my pops taught me

that a man who talks behind somebody's back is a coward.

Wow, I actually appreciate that.

Good, 'cause I'm gonna tell you directly to your face.

-No. You don't have to. -No, I don't like you.

I think you're a fake cop.

The sound of your piss hitting the urinal? It sounds feminine.

If we were in the wild, I would attack you.

Even if you weren't in my food chain, I would go out of my way to attack you.

If I were a lion, and you were a tuna,

I would swim out in the middle of the ocean and freaking eat you!

And then I'd bang your tuna girlfriend.

Okay, first off, a lion swimming in the ocean?

Lions don't like water.

If you'd placed it near a river or some sort of fresh water source, that'd make sense.

But you find yourself in the ocean, 20-foot waves,

I'm assuming it's off the coast of South Africa,

coming up against a full-grown, 800-pound tuna with his 20 or 30 friends?

You lose that battle.

You lose that battle nine times out of ten. And guess what?

You've wandered into our school of tuna, and we now have a taste of lion.

We've talked to ourselves. We've communicated.

-Yeah? -And said, "You know what?

"Lion tastes good. Let's go get some more lion."

We've developed a system to establish a beachhead

and aggressively hunt you and your family.

And we will corner your pride,

-your children, your offspring. -How you gonna do that?

We will construct a series of breathing apparatus with kelp.

We will be able to trap certain amounts of oxygen.

It's not gonna be days at a time, but an hour, hour 45, no problem.

That will give us enough time to figure out where you live,

go back to the sea, get more oxygen, and then stalk you.

You just lost at your own game. You're outgunned and outmanned.

Did that go the way you thought it was gonna go?

Nope.

Two minutes before the markets open,

Pamela Boardman, CEO of Lendl Global, ringing the opening bell.

With Boardman is investment banker, David Ershon,

who manages 40% of Lendl's $70-billion equity pool.

How much did we lose?

You may ring the bell now, Ms Boardman.

-$32. -Million?

No, billion.

Shit!

Chinatown. Three Triad gang members. I popped two of them off the draw.

-Bang, bang. -Yeah.

Then I raise up to take the leader out.

Shit, I feel like I'm there now.

I hear a whistle. My partner's on the roof.

He says, "Let's even the odds!"

He tosses me down a Mossberg pump. I send one through his chest.

Game over, bitches.

-All right. -Yeah.

Jimmy? Let's talk about how that story made you feel.

Like a Viagra pill with a face.

I know it's very tempting.

You want to impress your friends.

But this is serious stuff we're dealing with, okay?

This is firing your weapon in the line of duty.

Officer Hoitz?

Oh, man.

Would you like to share?

No, I'd rather not.

Officer Hoitz, you've been coming here for six months now,

and you haven't said a word.

This is a safe environment, no judgement here.

Douche bag.

That's judgement, Jimmy. Come on.

I relive it every night.

Bronx, October.

Game 7 of the World Series.

For all the marbles. High pressure, unruly crowd, and I pulled tunnel duty.

I mean, I saw a shadowy figure in the tunnel. I told him to stop.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, this is a restricted area!

Finally pulled my gun.

Pulled a deadly weapon. He started running at me.

Don't make me shoot! I'll do it!

Are you deaf? You hear me yell, "Freeze"?

You dick! I'm Derek Jeter! You shot me!

-You cost me 20 grand on that game! -Douche bag.

Cost the city a championship.

I was being groomed for a top position in homicide.

Now I'm stuck with a desk jockey partner. Everybody calls me the Yankee Clipper.

Because you shot Derek Jeter!

He's a biracial angel.

You should've shot A-Rod.

Yo, Paper Bitch.

-What's up, man? -Hey. Hey, guys.

-Paper Bitch. -Paper Bitch.

I don't like that, actually.

I know you guys think it's fun, but I don't like that name.

Still working on the Danson and Highsmith paperwork?

-Shit. -No, actually, actually, that's...

What is this? That looks stupid.

Guys, it's illegal permitting for construction. Specifically, scaffolding.

Some of the guys were talking.

They were like, "How come you've never fired your weapon in the office before?"

Good point.

I'm sorry, I don't follow.

You've never fired your weapon in the office.

We all have, you know. It's called a desk pop.

Fellas, look, I know you don't respect me as a police officer.

-Not true. -I'm not stupid.

I'm not gonna discharge my firearm in the office.

Gamble, listen to me. I'll try to make it real clear.