Don Jon

Yo, not gonna lie.

This sound...

...gets me hard as a fucking rock.

But I don't like to go too fast right off the bat.

I'd rather work my way into it, nice and easy.

So I'll start off with some stills.

Then, once I'm getting into it,

I start looking for a video.

I never actually touch my cock till I find the right clip.

Then, once I do...

...goodbye.

For the next few minutes, all the bullshit fades away,

and the only thing in the world is those tits...

...that ass...

...the blowjob, the cowboy,

the doggy, the moneyshot, and that's it.

I don't gotta say anything,

I don't gotta do anything.

I just fucking lose myself.

There's only a few things I really care about in life.

My body...

...my pad...

...my ride...

...my family...

Amen.

...my church...

...my boys...

...my girls...

...and my porn.

I know that last one sounds weird, but I'm just being honest.

Nothing else does it for me the same way. Not even real pussy.

And, yo, I get plenty of that.

Why you think my boys call me The Don?

- Jonny-Boy! - Don Jon, what's good, baby?

- What up? I'm all right. - You good?

Jonny, look at me. Everything good with you?

- What's the matter with this guy? - Come here, you animal!

- Get the fuck off of me! - Real talk, real talk. Purple.

- That's not bad. - It's better than "not bad. "

- You ain't see her turn around. - You calling her a seven?

- An eight. At least an eight. - That is not an eight.

She's cute in the face, you can maybe call the face

- an eight, tits are a four. - Yeah, but the butt, man,

it's exceptional. I'm telling you. It changes everything.

- Shit! - What?

- Sequins. Don't look. Don't look. - What? Who is that?

- You don't remember her? - She's coming over here.

'Cause you're staring right at her.

Look who the fuck it is.

- How you doing? - Why didn't you call me back?

Come on. You're a grown woman.

Did you think I was gonna call you back?

You're pathetic, you know that? Every week you got a new bitch.

Then why'd you come home with me?

Fuck you!

- Eight. - No, that might be a nine.

- You shitting me? That's a seven. - You're out of your mind!

I gave you the eight, your record's intact. Chill out.

You heard what she said? Everyone knows about the streak.

- You're sick. You know that? - I don't know

- what's wrong with me. - Oh, my... damn!

- What? What? Where? - Red.

- Holy shit! That's a dime. - That is a dime.

Nah, she's hot, but it's not a dime.

I don't even mess with blondes like that,

but that there is a dime!

- Fuck yeah. - I don't know, there might be

- some lasagna up in there. - I don't think so.

Definitely not. She keep her shit tight, you can tell.

- No. I don't know. - See, he likes that skinny shit.

He likes that skinny, high-fashion, looks-like-a-boy shit.

- Fuck you! - Admit it!

He's kind of right, man, you do.

I don't like more than a handful of titty.

No, no, no, no, no. No. A nice handful, I love it, but more than that, it's like no!

Shit starts to remind me of my mom or something.

- Jesus Christ. - Your mom do got some big-ass titties.

- Don't talk about my mother. - You brought up your mother.

If you don't like that, there's something wrong with you.

I didn't say I didn't like it. I said it's not a dime.

- That's incorrect. - She's taller than you anyway.

- Fuck you, Jonny. - I'm playing, come on.

You gonna get that?

Let me get a vodka-cranberry.

- Jonny! - Sammy-boy, how you doing?

- You good? - Let me get a Grey Goose and soda.

- What makes you think you could do that? - Do what?

- Get the fuck out of here. - You wanna go somewhere?

- Fuck you. - You wanna fuck me?

- Is that why you kissed me? - I didn't kiss you.

Yeah, you did.

Stop it, I mean it. Stop it.

Come on. Let me buy you a drink. It's early.

- Where you going? - I told you where I was going.

Come on! Wait a minute!

Shit!

Yo. Headband.

Nah, I don't know.

See? This is what I'm saying.

Real pussy's all good. But I'm sorry.

It's not as good as porn.

Tits?

Great.

Ass?

Great.

Blowjob?

Sure, it's fucking fantastic in person... if she'll do it.

But in real life, if you wanna get head, you gotta give head.

Lower. Not that low!

I know, some guys love eating pussy, but the thing about those guys is,

they're fucking crazy. Don't get me wrong,

I like a good pussy-eating clip.

But, from down here, there's nothing good about this.

And if she does finally

decide to do you the big favor...

...she's in a fucking hurry.

Now, when it comes to the actual fucking...

First of all, condoms are terrible. They just are.

But you gotta wear one, 'cause, unlike porn,

real pussy can kill you.

Second of all, missionary is the worst position

in all of fucking.

The tits lie flat, you can't see her ass,

you can't touch her ass, 'cause she's lying on her back.

They won't let you do it from behind, 'cause they wanna look at you.

And basically it's on me to do all the work.

Moneyshot? No. There is no real-life moneyshot.

Real girls won't do that shit. You just gotta cum into the fucking condom.

So, you tell me, which looks better?

This?

Or this?

Jesus! What are you fucking retarded?! You're fucking retarded!

You're a retarded person and you're driving a fucking car!

In the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit. Amen.

Amen. Bless you, my son.

Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.

It has been one week since my last confession.

Tell me your sins.

Since last Sunday, I had sexual relations

out of wedlock two times. I also watched

pornographic videos and masturbated 17 times.

For these and all the sins of my life, I am sorry.

- Ten Lord's Prayers and ten Hail Marys. - Thank you, Father.

Through the ministry of the Church, may God give you pardon and peace,

and I absolve you from your sins in the name of the Father, the Son and the Holy Spirit.

Amen.

Bullshit! Bullshit! Did you see that?

That was fucking bullshit. Bad call.

- Jesus fucking Christ! - Jon!

- Fucking bullshit. Did you see that? - I didn't see. What happened?

They'll do a replay. They better do a fucking replay.

Unless they just don't want us to see how bad that fucking call was.

Why don't you get the thing where you can pause...

- Assholes, where's the replay?! - Dad, there's a thing you can pause

- and rewind. - What are you talking about?

It's digital. You just rewind and watch it.

- I'm not taping this. - I know you're not taping it.

Are you people serious, no fucking replay?!

- I'm not talking about a VCR. - How do I know what the fuck

- you're talking about? - I don't know, I guess 'cause

most American people have heard of TiVo.

Most people that pay attention to the world around them!

Here it is. Shut up already, finally. Shit!

- You seriously never heard of that? - Yes!

I've heard of it, Jesus fucking...

There! Look, his foot's on the line! Look at that bullshit!

- Jon! All right already! - So if you've heard of it,

- what is it? - Did you see that?

I'm asking you a question.

It's a fucking thing...

Wait a minute. Did you see that?

I'm asking you. Did you?

Nah, I didn't see it.

Why not?! What the fuck's the matter with you?

I said look at this play, I said it right to you!

I ask you to do the easiest fucking thing, and you can't do it!

- At least I know what a TiVo is. - I know what a fucking TiVo is!

You want a TiVo? Is that what you're saying?

- I would love a fucking TiVo. - Who do you love?

He loves TiVo. He sure as shit don't love football. We know that.

One of these days, I'm gonna sit down here and start eating, and you're gonna say,

- "Mom, I found her. " - Ma!

One of these days.

Holy Mary... Mother of God...

...pray for us now...

...and at the hour of death...

Amen.

Hail Mary... full of grace...

All right, I'll admit, there are some down sides.

Like there's the times you find a great clip, with a hot chick.

And right when you're starting to cum, it shows the guy.

Fuck! Goddamn it!

It's no one's fault, really,

but it still sucks. So...

Also, nowadays you got so much

to choose from, finding just the right clip

can take a lot of time.

And my time is precious to me.

Yeah, I got shit to do. So...

And, every once in a while,