Megamind

Here's my day so far:

went to jail, lost the girl of my dreams,

and got my butt kicked pretty good.

Still, things could be a lot worse.

Oh, that's right.

I'm falling to my death.

Guess they can't.

How'd it all come to this, you ask?

My end starts at the beginning.

The very beginning.

Yes, that's me.

I had a fairly standard childhood.

I came from, what you might call, a broken home.

Literally broken.

I was eight days old and still living with my parents.

How sad is that?

Clearly it was time to move on.

Here is your minion. He will take care of you.

And here is your binky.

You are destined for...

I didn't quite hear that last part, but it sounded important.

- ...two, one. - Destined for what?

I set out to find my destiny.

Turns out a kid from the Glaupunkt quadrant had the exact same idea.

That was the day I met Mr. Goody Two-Shoes...

...and our glorious rivalry was born.

Could this be what I was destined for?

A dream life filled with luxury.

Apparently not.

Even fate picks its favorites.

No big deal.

A much different fate awaited me.

A baby! How thoughtful.

Oh, yes. Yes, I saw it and thought of you.

Luckily I found a lovely little place to call home.

Can we keep it?

A place that taught me the differences between right...

...and wrong.

Mr. Goody Two-Shoes, on the other hand,

had life handed to him on a silver platter.

Our baby can fly.

Yes, yes, nothing but the best for you, darling.

The power of flight, invulnerability, and great hair.

But I had something far, far greater.

My amazing intellect...

...and knack for building objects of mayhem.

After a few years, and with some time off for good behavior,

I was given an opportunity to better myself through learning...

...at a strange place called shool.

It was there that I once again ran into Mr. Goody Two-Shoes.

He had already amassed a gigantic army of soft-headed groupies.

He bought their affections with showmanship

and extravagant gifts of deliciousness.

So I, too, will make this popp-ed corn and win over those mindless drones.

Lights out.

That's when I learned a very hard lesson:

Good receives all the praise and adulation,

while evil is sent to quiet-time in the corner.

So fitting in wasn't really an option.

While they were learning the Itsy Bitsy Spider...

...I learned how to dehydrate animate objects and rehydrate them at will.

Some days, it felt like it was just me and Minion against the world.

No matter how hard I tried,

I was always the odd man out,

the last one picked,

the screw-up, the black sheep...

Get him!

- ...the bad boy. - Freak!

Weirdo!

Was this my destiny?

Wait, maybe it was.

Being bad is the one thing I'm good at.

Then it hit me: If I was the bad boy,

then I was going to be the baddest boy of them all.

I was destined to be a super-villain,

and we were destined to be rivals.

The die had been cast,

and so began an enduring, epic, lifelong career.

And I loved it.

Our battles quickly got more elaborate.

He would win some.

I would almost win others.

He took the name Metro Man, defender of Metrocity.

I decided to pick something a little more humble: Megamind...

...incredibly handsome criminal genius and master of all villainy.

Read on your own time. Open up.

- Hey! - Boo!

Oh, good morning, Warden.

Great news: I'm a changed man, and...

...and I'm ready to re-enter society as a solid citizen.

You're a villain, and you'll always be a villain.

You'll never change, and you'll never leave.

You're fun.

You got a present in the mail.

Is it a puppy?

From Metro Man. "To count every second of your 85 life sentences."

That's funny. Never thought Metro Man was the gloating type.

Oh, but he does have nice taste. I think I'll keep it.

Any chance you could give me the time?

I don't want to be late for the opening of the Metro Man Museum.

Oh no. Looks like you're gonna miss it,

by several thousand years.

Oh, am I?

Happy Metro Man Day, Metro City.

It's a beautiful day in beautiful downtown,

where we're here to honor a beautiful man, Metro Man.

His heart is an ocean that's inside a bigger ocean.

For years he's been watching us with his super-vision,

saving us with his super-strength and caring for us with his super-heart.

Now it's our turn to give something back.

This is Roxanne Ritchi, reporting live

from the dedication of the Metro Man Museum.

Wow. OK, the stuff they make you read on-air,

that's un-freaking-believable. It's crazy.

I wrote that piece myself, Hal.

What I was trying to say was,

I can't believe that in our modern society,

they let, like, actual art get onto the news.

- Nice save, Hal. - What are we...

Like, let's just get a coffee or something.

Come on, it's time to get in the Metro Man Day spirit.

Well, if I were Metro Man,

Megamind wouldn't be kidnapping you all the time.

- That's the first thing. - That's sweet, Hal.

And I'd be watching you, like a dingo watches a human baby.

OK, that sounded...

- OK, that sounded a little weird. - A little bit. Yeah.

And you're making a weird face, and that's making me feel weird.

The point is, I would watch you like someone...

Not love. We're not in love. I'm not saying I love you.

Hey, I love you. Whatever.

But I'm not saying like I'm in love with you. I'm saying...

Roxanne? Roxaroo?

- Whoa... What? - Hey...

Get back to work. The city doesn't pay you to loaf.

- Freeze! - Whoa. What are you doing, guys?

It's me! It's the warden.

Hey! Open up!

No, you fools. He's tricked us.

You were right.

I'll always be a villain.

Well, hello good-looking. Need a lift?

Certainly do, you fantastic fish, you.

- Get in the car, you. - I'm free!

Right?

Nice work sending me the watch, Minion.

- You got it, boss. - Punch it!

All right, put your hands in the air.

Ladies and gentlemen, your Metro Man!

- Who's your man? - Metro Man!

Yeah, Metro City!

Gimme some. Come on. Give it now.

Give it to me. Right on. Gimme the good stuff. All right.

Hey, Metro City.

Hey. Hey.

You know, you know, I just want to bring it down a bit.

Boys, a little lower. Thank you, fellas.

Let's get real for a moment.

That's right. That's right. That's right.

Although getting a whole museum is super-cool, is super-cool,

you want to know what the greatest honor you've given me is?

Do you really want to know? Really?

I'll tell you.

The greatest honor you've given me is letting me serve you,

the helpless people of Metro City.

And at the end of every day,

well, I often ask myself...

...who would I be without you?

- I love you, Metro Man! - And I love you, random citizen.

I tell you, Minion. There's no place like evil lair.

I've kept it cold and damp just for you, sir.

How do I look, Minion? Do I look bad?

Disgustingly horrifying, sir.

You always know what to say.

Oh, the brain-bots certainly missed you, sir.

Did you miss your daddy? Who's a menacing little cyborg?

You are. Yes, you are. No biting.

No, no, no, no, no, no.

You want the wrench? Go get the wrench.

- Oh, look at that. - Now, back to laughing.

She's awake. Quick, to work.

Miss Ritchi, we meet again.

Would it kill you to wash the bag?

You can scream all you wish, Miss Ritchi.

I'm afraid no one can hear you.

Wh... Why isn't she screaming?

Miss Ritchi, if you don't mind?

Like this...

But that's, that's a poor lady scream.

He's a little better.

Is there some kind of nerdy super-villain website

where you get Tesla coils and blinky dials?

Actually, most of it comes from an outlet store in...

Don't answer that.

- Romania. - Don't! Stop!

She's using her nosy reporter skills

on your weak-willed mind to find out all our secrets.

Such tricks won't work on me...

- Please talk slower. - ...temptress.

What secrets? You're so predictable.