Transparent

Hey, dad. I'm here to help you pack up.

Okay.

I think I'm gonna come out to Joshy next.

Okay. Do you want me to be with you?

No, I'll do... I'll do it alone.

Alright, well, I'll just have him come over here, then.

- Do you think he's ready? - No, you never are.

It's like having a baby.

You know, just one day the baby shows up and you figure it out.

- Honey? - What?

Are you okay with me?

Oh, God, yes.

- No, I'm happy. - Yeah?

Yeah, it's... it's...

It's inspiring.

I mean, I'm so glad you get to be who you are.

That's what we should all be.

Not my business, but how long have you and Tammy been carrying on?

Not my business.

I can't stop thinking about her.

I... it's like... it's just, like,

we just reconnected, after all this time,

and it just happened.

Now we're just, like, connecting every second.

I cannot stop texting her.

You know, it's like, "What are you doing? "

"Eating a sandwich."

"How is it?" "It's amazing."

You know... the thing that you do

when you're falling in love?

Not really.

So you're not in love with Len?

No. I mean, whatever.

I mean, I... I... I'm... I'm staying with Len.

I'm gonna stay with Len. I'm happy to stay with Len.

I just... you know, I just wonder, you know,

what would it feel like to be loved

by someone who's actually moved by loving you?

Why don't you tell him what you want?

I don't want to have to tell someone.

That is... that is the whole...

You can't tell someone that.

Mm. Which one of you are gonna take the encyclopedias?

None of us, dad.

Nobody in the world wants those.

These are the bicentennial encyclopedias.

Ugh. Would it be okay with you if I just crashed here tonight?

Of course, sweetie.

But I wanted you to know that I was thinking about you,

and... I really loved your message earlier, so...

Please leave me more,

'cause when I hear your voice,

I feel better.

Okay, guess I'll go.

I'm sorry I keep calling you.

Hey, Kaya. Don't know why you're not calling me back,

and I'm sick of getting your voicemail, so, anyhoo,

maybe you might want to think about answering your phone

and saying hello?

What's your ish?

Come here. Let's go.

Come on.

Fine.

One second, you guys. What's up?

Where the fuck is Kaya? She's not answering my calls.

- She's not answering my texts. - I don't know, dude.

- Is she avoiding me? - I couldn't tell you.

Did she not tell you that we might be getting married?

- Married? - Yeah.

- I love her. I proposed, okay? - Oh, my God.

You weird, old, sad fellow.

Married? Are you living in a fucking dream world?

Are you such a fetus that you've not been in love before?

- Yeah, like a million times. - Thank you.

Why don't you help me out and make her call me back

and make sure she's here for the meeting with Ryan.

- What do you want? - You got to get over here,

asap, 'cause dad's got me packing up all his crap

to donate to Haddasah League, and it's now or never.

Um, no, I can't do that today.

What about the cereal boxes?

Do not think about touching those or opening those.

Yeah, it's too late, actually, for that, 'cause I already did.

Nice photos and letters of you and creepy Rita.

I almost forgot about you and the babysitter.

Okay. A... okay, you know what?

Um, I'm coming.

Those the moon rocks? You got 'em?

- Yeah. - Can I see 'em?

Yes.

Okay, there they are.

- So it's just like "E, " really? - Yeah.

But you know how with "E", you, like, you have to take Xanax

when you're coming down, otherwise your brain hurts?

What? No, nobody's ever told me that.

Great, I've been taking my ecstasy wrong for years.

Okay, so what's the plan?

I got Saturday and Sunday off.

Do you want to go Joshua Tree,

which I realized I haven't been to since I was a kid?

I'm so sorry. I feel like a jerk.

I had a plan that was, like, a sex thing.

And I didn't tell you that,

that that was what I wanted to do with the guy from the park?

What guy from the park?

The trainer from the park.

You're hanging out with that guy?

Yeah, I went back, and like, we trained,

and then we started fucking, and whatever.

And then I met his roommate, who is crazy sexy,

and I'm planning a little spit-roasting epic... night.

What is spit-roasting? That sounds disgusting.

Do you really not know what spit-roasting is?

Um, I know it in relation to food.

- God, don't you watch porn? - I don't know.

I find it kind of disturbing, don't you?

Sorry. Hold on.

Okay, so imagine that this is me.

I am the candle, the white-hot, burning candle,

and this pepper shaker is one guy,

and this... imagine this was a pepper shaker, too.

This is the other guy.

- Okay, so his roommate's black. - Oh, yeah.

That's very classic Ali.

This pepper shaker's investigating my vagina

from the behind,

and this pepper shaker is investigating my mouth,

and I... am roasting.

You're gross.

I know.

- Okay. - Okay.

- Joshy's on his way. - Oh, good.

What is this? What's all this?

Oh, this is all I'm taking.

- This is it? - Yeah. I mean,

I just got up in the middle of the night,

and I went, "You know, it's just stuff, right?"

all I need is a safe place to rest my keppie.

Oh, it's Joshy.

No, no. That's...

That's the moving truck.

He'll be here soon.

Are you... are you sure you're okay?

Coming out is coming out is coming out.

I'm good.

Okay.

Love you.

Hey, dad, I'm here.

Dad?

- Dad! - Yeah.

- Hey. - Hey, thanks for coming.

Sarah told me. Oh...

Listen, uh, can I get you some, uh, I don't know, tea?

I have, uh, soda.

I have water, I... I know that.

I'm not... I'm not making you late for work, am I?

Um, it's not the mill, dad.

Oh, okay.

Do you want to help me carry some of this stuff to the car?

- These? - Yeah.

Why didn't you tell me?

What... what?

You smell like the perfume aisle

at a sav-on in the Philippines.

You've got a girlfriend.

Who is she?

Who... you're moving in with her?

It's... eh... it's complicated.

Yeah, I'll bet it's complicated.

You want this in your car?

Yeah, and if I can tell from the scent,

she's about 30 years younger than you and a bit of a freak.

- Am I right? - She's not a freak.

That's last month's issue.

You know, you... you could get a... a post office box.

Uh, my wife does the bills.

- Mine too. -

Look at me. I'm... I'm full of bad advice.

You know what you can do?

You can just stick it in an issue

of deck and patio or...

Outdoor living magazine.

- I'm Mark. - Mort.

- Did you get it? - Okay.

So who would like a Charleston Chew?

- Ooh, me, please. - All right.

Who wants a Abba-Zaba?

- I'll take that. - You want that?

I want the Charleston Chew.

No, you have too many cavities.

Trade you my Abba-Zaba.

- I don't like peanut butter. - No!

- Give it to me. - No, stop!

- Hey, hey. - Give it!

- No, stop it! - Hey, hey, hey!