Class

Well, we're here.

Yeah, we are.

Oh, you just look so grown-up in that new jacket. You do.

- OK, Bones, take care. - Now...

here is your bus ticket.

- Jonathon! - Argh!

- Take care of yourself. - I will.

Call us when you get there, OK?

Dad.

- See you over the holidays. - Oh, I'm so proud of you!

Mom.

Hi. How you doin'?

- (boy) Check out that geek. - (laughter)

- Nice jacket! - How are things on Neptune?

Nice. Real nice.

- How you doin'? - Welcome aboard, stranger.

Great, douche bag.

Yeah.

Another year, another idiot.

# You'll be stayin' here with me tonight

# You're gonna love me overnight

Entrez.

- Hey! You must be Jonathon! - Yeah.

Squire Franklin Burroughs IV. Call me Skip.

- Hi, Skip. - I'll give you a hand with it.

What the hell you got in here? A dead body?

I got my books, my clothes, that kinda thing.

Last year we had a guy smuggled his girlfriend up here in one of these.

- Yeah? - He lost the key.

By the time he found it, she was dead.

Really?

- Just kidding. - Oh!

- Welcome to Vernon Academy. - Good one.

This is your side of the room.

You only have to wear this rag on duty days.

- Nobody said anything. I thought we... - Make yourself at home.

So, where are you from? Where'd you go to school?

Well... I grew up in Pittsburgh, went to public school there for about...

Holy shit, we're late!

Late?

Mm, how about these? Great, huh?

You know, these assholes, they all go to Neiman Marcus,

but I found this outrageous boutique, Henri's. It's great stuff, huh?

Yeah.

You know, if these things don't win first prize, there is no God!

- Well, hurry up and change. - Change?

Jeez, I forgot. You've never been to prep school.

Uh-uh.

You must think I'm pretty weird, huh?

- Well... - Look, look, this is a Vernon tradition.

Every year, the seniors have to parade around wearing women's underwear.

It's supposed to teach us humility. The seniors give the squits shit all year long,

and this is their one chance to laugh at us.

Oh! I get it.

- You thought... - Yeah.

Come on, this is a tradition. Jeez, what are you gonna do?

- Oh, no, I'll just stay here and unpack. - Let me think.

- Jenny! - Jenny? Hey. Hey.

Let's see. Ah! We're in luck!

- Mementoes. - I don't wanna dress up in women's...

- You're not gettin' mine. - I don't want yours.

Granted, you won't win any prizes, but at least you won't be embarrassed.

Get changed.

Come on.

- Come on. - I can't!

Come on!

Would you hurry up, man! We gotta go! We're late!

Come on. You look great. Let's go.

- Hey, guys! - Look at her!

- Skip?! Skip?! - You look great! You look great!

Nice ass you got there, babe!

Ooh, black! My favourite colour!

They love you!

Hey, turn around. Oh, look at those tits!

Show your tits! Show your tits!

Hey, where'd you get that outfit?

It's Frank-N-Furter!

- Whoa! - Gotcha!

- (boy #1 ) Hey, you've really fallen for him! - (boy #2) I'm gettin' a gigantic soft-on!

It's the weenie in the bikini!

Shit!

We want more! We want more!

I'm sorry. I'm sorry, I know it was a lousy thing to do.

Look, don't take it personally.

It really is a tradition. Somebody falls for it every year.

No hard feelings, OK? Look, it was just a prank. Don't take it personally.

OK?

We're roommates. We're gonna be together for a whole year. Truce?

Truce.

There she is again. I think I'm in love with you.

- Hey, sweetheart. - (Jonathon) Yeah.

- Hello, miss, is your dance card filled? - I think she's in the wrong john.

- Lights! - (boys) Fuck you, Roscoe!

I said lights, nipple nose!

That's Mr Nipple Nose to you, Maybaum!

Shh! Quiet, here comes the walrus man.

- Good evening, Mr Maybaum. - Good evening, sir.

- All present and accounted for. - Hmm.

- Well, good night, then, Mr Maybaum. - Good night, sir.

One more thing. If you have any trouble with the boys smoking, let me know.

OK?

Good night.

(# "Holiday in Cambodia" by the Dead Kennedys)

Hey, there he is.

Hey, look, there's the geek in the lingerie.

It's the guy in the woman's underwear!

Ladies and gentlemen, the lovely April Pussy.

Ladies and gentlemen, Miss Vernon.

- Hi, darling! - Hey, Jonathon, over here!

Let me take you away from all this, my darling!

- He cries real tears. - Come here. Sit here.

Oh, let me wipe those tears!

- Oh, God, what a tool. - We're talkin' megadork.

Shut up!

- What is going on over there? - They pulled the underwear gag on him.

- (jeering) - (laughter)

- Going to change into your bra? - Don't forget to write!

I'm tellin' you, that guy's a wimp.

Hey, look, Jonathon, I think you've been ma...

Oh, my God.

Jesus!

Jesus!

I dunno why he'd do it! Jesus, I dunno why he did it, it was just a joke!

Hung himself!

I dunno why he did it, but it's my fault...

Is this meant to amuse me, Mr Burroughs?

Quiet!

Stop by my office about eight in the morning.

You think about what you've done, and I'll think about what I'm going to do.

Oh, and, um... please invite your dead roommate.

All right, show's over.

I'm sorry. It was a lousy thing to do. But I was so humiliated I just had to kill myself.

Oh, just a prank, just a prank. No hard feelings, huh? Truce.

Truce.

I'm not really ready for this conversation. I usually have at least a month

before I am faced with students in women's underwear,

or an artist's rendering of my persona dangling from the rafters.

We're only in the first week, gentlemen.

It's frightening to imagine what could happen by Christmas, isn't it?

- Yes, sir. - Yes, sir.

That was rhetorical, boys. I like to give everybody one chance to screw up.

I think we can assume you've each had yours now.

I hope this is the last such conversation I'll have with you until the end of the year.

- No ifs, ands, or buts. Is that clear? - (both) Yes, sir.

- We really gotta watch it. - We've gotta straighten up.

- Be responsible. Toe the line. - Gotta clean up our act. Absolutely.

They're never gonna sell it to us. It's never gonna work.

- We're gonna get busted. - Shh. Relax.

Which one of you youngsters is planning to buy this?

- I am. - Oh, really? How old are you, son?

50.

You did it!

I'm astounded by your brilliance and the magnitude of your gall.

Yeah, so am I.

This is something I've never told anyone,

so you've gotta swear to me what you hear will not leave this room.

Swear to God.

- OK. - Swear to God!

OK.

I killed a guy.

Yeah? (laughs)

- I mean it, Jonathon. - Me, too.

Last year, uh, I was in Montego Bay with some friends.

And we were all in this bar.

And I met this gorgeous girl. She takes me back to her place,

and then some huge guy had a gun to my head.

And my gorgeous gal, she's going through my pockets.

I must've been drunk, cos I kicked the guy in the balls.

And I went for the gun, and then the next thing I know, there's this huge explosion.

And, uh...

the guy was... lyin' on the ground

with blood pourin' out of a hole in his head.

- It was horrible. - Jesus.

God.

- What'd you do? - What do you think? I got the hell out.

What's the worst thing you've ever done?

- I cheated on my SAT. - I can smell bullshit a mile away.

Hey! It cost me I 50 bucks. I bought the test. I had every answer goin' in.

You cheated on the SAT? You cheated on the SAT?!

Yeah.

Christ, I love that! You're the smartest fuckin' guy in the whole school.

Mr Scholarship. I mean, even Roger did OK on the SAT.

It just so happens my whole life depends on my getting into Harvard.

You really cheated on the SAT!

It's pretty serious.

Hey, you killed a guy.

Well... not exactly.

What do you mean, "not exactly"?

Huh?

That son of a bitch got away with everything I had.

You know, I was so scared that I shit my pants.

What an asshole.

Oh, no, Kafka's symbolism here is obvious.

The apple represents original sin. Yeah.

It sticks in his side like Christ's wound and eventually festers and destroys him.

No, no, no. What he's really saying is we're all cockroaches.

- Later. - Hey, guess what you're doin' tonight.

- Latin. - Wrong.

You've got a date with the second-prettiest girl in Foxfield.

- You didn't. - Oh, I did. I did.