Wonder Woman

Good afternoon, ladies and gentlemen.

Now, I do want to thank all of you

for attending this preview of my upcoming show.

Actually, I do prefer to call it a reception, because, as you can see,

there are some people who have just arrived,

and I do want you to meet them.

Now, it's quite possible that you have met some of them before

at some time or another, because they come from all walks of life,

all marches of time.

They are those members of humanity at perhaps whom

you have always wished to stare.

Or examine. Or scrutinize,

in an attempt to experience what it's like to live their lives.

You won't be sorry you came with me. Even if it did take six phone calls.

- Seven. - Wait till you see this guy's work.

You see, I'm doing a term paper on Henry Roberts' statues.

So far I've just seen pictures of them, but now I get to see them up close.

They're so realistic they will blow your socks off.

And may I suggest Here We Stand?

Gentlemen.

Come on, come on.

They look so real.

Oh, look at the detail. The hair, the fingernails, the wrinkles.

Yet these are statues, Diana. Can you believe it?

He is a genius. He's a genius.

Oh, no.

- I'm sorry. - It's quite all right. No harm done.

No harm done.

Not even a dent.

Mr. Roberts, I've got to know how you make these statues.

And I am afraid I have got to keep that a secret.

Oh, but I'm doing a term paper on your statues...

Harold. Harold, I, er, don't think that's going to impress him.

Bingo.

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman

Wonder Woman

Of course, it's because they are so lifelike that critics put them down.

Art seeks to interpret life, not merely to imitate it.

Harold, I've really enjoyed the art lecture but I've got to go.

Oh, surely you're not going to leave now,

when we finally have a chance to talk, Ms., erm...

Prince. Diana Prince.

And I really do have to go.

I found your work so intriguing that I'm 15 minutes late already.

No, you stay and talk. I'll get the car and bring it around.

Butter him up. Try to make him tell you his technique.

Uh, Harold?

I drove.

Car's in the shop.

Tell me, um...

Is Senator Farnum's son your usual escort?

There are many words I could use to describe Harold.

"Usual" is by no means one of them.

Excuse me, but I know for a fact that this isn't your car.

Well, one of us made a mistake. You.

- All right. - Hey, look, look.

Start marching. Come on. Go to the left. Go.

Whatever you plan to do with me, you're not gonna get away with it.

I know Diana Prince.

She isn't gonna like what you did to her car.

Or whatever you plan do to me. You hear me?

You hear me?

Oh, Harold, you chump.

You mean some guy pulled a gun on Harold Farnum

and left a poem in your car?

"One of several missing treasures Number nine as of today

Find the method to this madness For I'm soon to steal away"

Real catchy. Has Ira taken a look at this?

Yeah. He scanned it for fingerprints and tried to trace those letters. Nothing.

Well, one thing we know for sure is that whoever left this in your car

has been stealing art objects and wants to brag about it.

Um, what is this glass bowl? Have you checked it out?

It's a famous Hollenbeck crystal,

and it was stolen about two weeks ago from a private collector in Alexandria.

But Ira did come up with a list of names.

- People who might know where it is. - Ah, a list of fences?

He says our most likely candidate is one Shubert Goring, down on St. Paul.

I'll give him your regards if the Charade that I'm gonna play works.

Now wait a minute, Diana.

We could let the police handle this, you know.

Yes, but we were the ones that were tipped off to these robberies.

Not the police, not the FBI, but us.

That's exactly what worries me.

Well, don't let it worry you. I can take care of myself.

Looks like a garage sale.

Hey, Haw, how are you?

All right. Looking good.

Use the three-iron. Better.

Hello. How are you?

Don't bother, fellas. I can manage myself.

Well, Diana Prince got her message. No thanks to that Farnum kid.

- He ID'd you? - No big deal.

Maybe it's a good thing

that you are going to be on field assignment as of this afternoon.

- Usual bonus? - Fifteen thousand.

What am I this time?

You are a disgruntled housepainter.

What about the NIM unit?

It is built into these glasses. Here. See?

That should work.

Hmm. Very nice.

Study this.

Fifteen thousand.

Somebody's out front.

They're asking about the Hollenbeck bowl.

- Police? - No. Some lady.

Yes, but...

Incredible how lifelike she is, isn't it?

Well, I'm not really into statues, Mr. Goring.

I'm into crystal. As in...

Hollenbeck.

My employer is ready to pay you

$85,000 to take it off your hands.

His name is Bob Bertilucci.

Mr. Bertilucci's fondness for fine art is well known.

What is not well known is that he went into hiding

in Brazil five months ago.

You should see his phone bills. I have.

Let me see the crystal, Mr. Goring.

Or are you going to tell me that you don't have it?

I'll see what I can do. Excuse me.

There's something funny about that girl.

I agree.

- Then why are you getting the bowl out? - Why not?

After all, the poor girl is going to have

such a terrible accident on her way home.

The crystal! It's been stolen!

What do you mean, stolen? From you?

- You're a fence. - What is the world coming to?

Up.

Wait. She's coming down.

Diana Prince is making a phone call. To the police, I think.

- Come on, man. - I'm trying.

If you insist.

You, uh, know what this means, don't you?

You're gonna have to walk to the police station.

Surprise.

- Happy birthday, my sweet. - Tad. Oh, Taddie.

An original Henry Roberts statue.

I've wanted one ever so long.

I commissioned Henry Roberts personally. I gave him exact specifications.

Uh... Doesn't it look a bit, uh, familiar?

- Why, it's Mr. Bancroft. - Right.

That's just how he looked

when I made him do the living room over for the fourth time.

- He never did get the color right. - Oh. Don't you like it?

Oh, I adore it, Taddie.

This will be a birthday I shall never forget.

Okay, Ira, is this the list you promised me?

Affirmative. It describes ten art objects, including the bowl,

all of which were stolen under suspiciously similar circumstances.

In each case, there are no windows broken, no locks destroyed,

no sign of forcible entry at all.

Each case would indicate an inside job.

Yeah. Hmm?

Ira, have you been watching gangster movies again?

Of course not. Only Kojak reruns.

It looks like the same MO was used

to steal a painting of a lion worth $90,000.

A statue of a goat worth $75,000, a modern art piece, another sculpture.

Uh-oh. Here's another one.

Affirmative. It is advisable that you investigate the tenth theft,

that of the ram medallion, which occurred last night.

Ira, you took the words right out of my mouth.

Now here's another word for you. "Bye."

Afternoon, Mr. Roberts.

I still have no intention of telling you how I make my statues.

You don't have to. I think I've figured out the materials...

I don't care.

At least listen and tell me if I'm close...

What is wrong with you?

You seem to speak English, but you do not seem to understand it.

I will not tell you.

- Hey! - No!

Hold on a second.

Hey. I'm doing a term paper on your statues.

- What a pain in the... - Now, now, Henry. Henry.

Mr. Farnum's persistence is not to be discouraged.

Had he not insisted that Diana Prince accompany him to your opening,

we wouldn't be running ahead of schedule.

Do you know how many telephone calls I ignored from him yesterday?

- Ten. Ten. - I believe his record is 14.

I take it you have acquired the ram medallion?

How much do we fence it for?

It's worth $100,000, so start at 75. Go no less than 60.

- Epperly will take care of it. - Three more days, Henry,

and then no art piece we acquire will be anything less than priceless.

My birthday.

Of all the days some dreadful person could have picked to ruin my life.

Now, we paid $7,428 to install an alarm system in here

and we heard absolutely nothing last night.

I never thought I'd hear myself badmouth the free enterprise system,

but it does give you pause, doesn't it?

Well, what does really give me pause

is that out of a whole room of expensive objects

the ram medallion was the only thing that was stolen.

It was your cousin Marvin. He stole it.