Dream Demon

I think you're gorgeous.

Thank you.

You must be very happy.

Yes.

Diana Alice Markham,

do you take this man to be your lawful wedded husband,

to have and to hold, to love and to cherish,

in sickness and in health,

till death do you part?

I… I can't.

Diana, what are you saying?

I'm sorry, Oliver.

I can't marry you.

You can't mean it.

I can't explain right now.

I just can't.

Are you mad?

How can you do this to me in front of my whole family?

And the Admiral.

I'm really very sorry.

Something's happened.

How dare you humiliate me like this?

You bastard.

Oh, yes!

Any comment on the honeymoon?

Oliver, darling.

- Thank God it's you. - Hey, it's all right.

What's the matter? What is all this?

Oh.

Nothing.

I just had a rotten dream.

- I feel so silly. - It's OK, I'm here.

It's all right.

And then I woke up and you were there.

Oh, I'm sorry, Olly. I don't know what's the matter with me.

Don't worry, darling.

Everyone has nightmares sometimes.

It's just that I don't seem to have had a decent night's sleep

since I moved into the new house.

Not long now and I'll be there to look after you.

Oh, I can't wait.

All I want is for the wedding to be over and for us to be together.

Everything's going to be fine.

I love you.

Me too.

Ah, there you are.

- Reverend Webb. - Oliver.

My fiancee, Diana Markham.

- Delighted to meet you. - (Diana) How do you do?

We're so proud that Oliver and you have decided to get married here.

- It's a great honour for us. - Thank you.

We're rather small for a celebrity wedding, I'm afraid,

but I'm sure we shall cope.

I imagine we shall have to be prepared

for an army of newsmen and photographers

Yes, I'm afraid so.

We haven't had a minute's peace since we announced the engagement.

Not to worry.

Actually, we're all rather excited.

It's not every day that a Falklands hero is married in this little church.

Well, shall we get on with the rehearsal?

Here. Keep the change.

Hi. I'm Jenny Hoffman. I've got a reservation here.

Damn.

What about the Haverstocks?

- Are they coming? - Of course they are.

It wouldn't be a wedding without them.

Hello, Oliver.

How dare you!

You slut!

Hello?

'Hello, Diana.’

- Oh, Oliver. - ‘I can't really hear you.

‘It's me. I just got back.

‘Are you OK? You sound funny.’

Er, I fell asleep waiting for your call.

I was... I was dreaming.

‘About me, I hope.’

Yes.

But it was...

I was...

‘Listen, Diana, I can hardly hear you.

‘I just want you to know I'm back safe and sound.

‘With a bit of luck I’ll be able to see you tomorrow.

"You take care, now. Just keep dreaming about me.

‘Bye.'

How are you feeling?

Oh, I'm all right. Just a little tired, that's all.

How are you sleeping?

Badly.

Still having nightmares?

Mm.

They're really beginning to worry me.

From what you've told me so far,

I'd say the dreams are the least of your worries.

In fact, I think you should see them as a healthy release.

Healthy?

I dreamt that Oliver raped me.

You're actually fine.

You're confronting your subconscious fears

in a very natural, normal way.

Why should I be frightened of Oliver?

We love each other.

Maybe it's not the real Oliver that scares you, hmm?

It's what he stands for in your dreams.

He's a symbol.

For what?

Oh, I don't know.

I could hazard a guess, but...

I really think it's up to you to work it out.

- Morning. Diana Markham? - Yes.

Hello. My name's Paul Lawrence. I'm from the Post & Echo.

- Do you have a minute? - I'm going to be late for school.

- It won't take a moment. - Child bride, eh? That's a classic angle.

What we'd like to do is a nice little article on your impending nuptials.

I mean, you're marrying a Falklands hero.

You'll appreciate that's big news round here.

- Well, just quickly, then. - Yeah? Great.

Sorry, this is Russell Peck, our staff photographer.

Would you mind if he just rattled a few shots off as we spoke?

- I suppose not. - I'm quite harmless.

Right, well, if I could start, Miss Markham,

with how long you've worked at this particular establishment?

- About a year. - About a year? Right.

You're obviously very good with children.

- Any kids planned? - Hope so.

Any help needed?

Can we move onto Oliver, your fiancé?

I mean, must be quite exciting.

- You're about to be married to a guy who... - ... murdered a lot of Argentinians.

That turn you on, does it, darling?

You've got a bloody nerve.

Nice one.

Stuck-up cow. What's got up her knickers?

Not me, unfortunately.

Filthy animal.

Nice?

No.

- When you're ready. - Right.

Afternoon.

Oh, please, just leave me alone.

We just want to ask you a couple of questions, usual thing.

How did he pop the question?

Where are you going on your honeymoon?

Are there going to be any royals at the do?

- Get away from me or I'll call the police. - Come on, darling, do us a favour.

- We're only trying to do a job here. - The public has a right to know.

Know what, precisely?

- Is he any good at it? - Yeah, how big is his wanger?

- His what? - His wanger,

his dong, his schlong, his plonker,

his mutton cutlass, his pork sword, his beef bayonet.

I don't know what you're referring to.

You don't, eh? Because you haven't done it before.

I bet you ten to one she hasn't even seen it.

You're still a virgin, aren't you?

How dare you?

That's a denial, is it?

- We'll print that. - Print that and I'll sue.

You'll sue because we say you're a virgin?

Oh, beautiful. "The deb who does it"!

You're disgusting.

Hey! Hey, come on, leave her alone.

What do you think she is? Dog meat?

Piss off, darling. We're the press.

Oh, yeah? Well, print this, dickhead.

- (Groans) - Come on, quick, inside.

Oh, my ball sack.

Right, that's no comment.

Bloody muckrakers. Why can't they leave me alone?

Scumbags.

Oh, I'm sorry.

I've been terribly rude. I'm Diana Markham.

- Oh, Jenny Hoffman. - How do you do?

Yeah.

Would you like to come in until the coast's clear?

Yeah.

I understand they have a job to do,

but why they have to be so beastly about it is beyond me.

Are you all right?

Yeah, I'm fine.

- Come in. - Great.

- Would you like some tea? - Wow, cool place.

- Actually, I think I need a drink. - Oh, that would be great.

I've got some champagne in the fridge. Will that do?

Sure.

Hey, are you a celebrity or something?

No, I'm completely ordinary. Daddy has a few horses, that's all.

That's all? Sounds pretty uptown to me.

It's not all roses, you know.

No, life's a bitch, huh?

Bollinger or Moét?

Um...

Uh, yeah, the French one.

Make yourself at home.