Bernie

I'm very honored to introduce

our guest lecturer today.

He graduated from here about 15 years ago.

He's gone on to a fabulous career.

I can't think of a single person who's more qualified

or more adept at the final procedures

you've been studying lately.

Now you've learned the science,

now's your chance to learn the art.

Students, Mr. Bernie Tiede.

Thank you, Professor.

Thank you.

It's always an honor to be asked back

and I do it gladly because I feel...

if even one thing I say or demonstrate today

helps you in any way as you embark on your careers,

then everyone will have benefited.

You, those who are grieving,

and the deceased.

The nails have to be clipped,

shaped and brought back to life.

And you must cast the nails to the person.

You wouldn't want a mechanic

to have the nails of a flight attendant.

Would you?

It is very important to remove any unwanted nasal,

ear, or facial hair.

We can never be too vigilant

in the lookout for that one stray rogue hair.

The eyes are often a minor problem

because they usually want to stay open.

It's almost like they want one last look at this miraculous world.

But with some Super Glue...

a little dab will do you...

and it's no more peeking.

Even though the features have been set during the embalming,

you have to reassess and readjust

because of continuing emaciation and dehydration.

Perfect expression of the mouth

would be relaxed, natural, with a little bit of a smile.

Can't have him looking unhappy to be there.

And we must always be on guard for the mischievous lip drift.

Even the slightest hint of teeth can be disastrous.

You cannot have grief tragically become a comedy.

Then, after a foundation

mixed with massage cream to prevent dehydration,

even out coloration,

then apply highlights.

Do not over-cosmetize.

Most of those who service the deceased apply far too much blush.

J ust a note to always remember:

Too much color does not make one look more alive.

The last detail to be managed

is the deceased's body position.

Left hand over the right,

over the umbilicus, in an attitude of ease,

of repose, of retirement.

The position of the head is oh so important.

Neither star gazing

nor navel gazing,

but perfectly centered,

turned ever so slightly to the right...

in greeting.

He's now been cosmetized,

he's ready to be dressed,

and casketed.

Bernie was a very charismatic man.

A loving person.

And he had the ability to make the world seem kind.

Real good with people, a real people person,

always had his hand out, ready to shake it,

never met a stranger, good with names,

good with questions.

He could remember if your daughter was at Texas,

and your son was at A&M.

He'd remember that and he'd ask you questions about those kids.

J ust made you feel real good about yourself.

If the people in Carthage were

to make a list of those people

that they thought would get to heaven,

I am sure that Bernie would be right at the top of the list.

His personality was, just, like, magnetic, okay?

So people were drawn to him all the time.

And because of that, that personality,

before too long, he was the most popular man in Carthage.

Carthage is in east Texas.

And it's totally different from the rest of Texas,

which could be five different states, actually.

You got your west Texas out there with a bunch of flat ranches.

U p north, you got them Dallas snobs with their Mercedes,

and then you got Houston, the carcinogenic coast

all the way up to Louisiana.

Then down south, San Antonio...

that's where the Tex meets the Mex.

Like the food.

And then in central Texas,

you got the People's Republic of Austin

with a bunch of hairy-legged women and liberal fruitcakes.

Of course, I left out the panhandle, and a lot of people do, but...

Carthage... this is where the south begins.

This is life behind the pine curtain.

And, and, and truth be known, it's a good place.

Carthage has such a good reputation

that it's listed in The Best Small Towns of America, Volume Two

as the best small town in Texas.

That's right. Page 157.

Oh, hell, most people live in Carthage because they were born here.

Carthage sits on what was once one of the biggest gas fields in the world.

Back in the gas boom of the 40s and 50s,

a lot of people got rich around here.

Well, as I recall,

we were gonna get a lot of the older people in town

leaving for the sweet hereafter,

and we got a little backed up in the cold room,

frankly, I was looking for some help.

Bernie must've seen an ad or something.

He called from Louisiana and I hired him over the phone,

not fully knowing what to expect.

These are our viewing rooms.

Oh, look at that, you've got these partitions.

That's so nice.

So, you got your associate's degree in Mortuary Science at State?

Yes, sir.

Play any ball over there?

U h, no no, sir.

I wanted to concentrate on my studies,

as much as I loved football and whatnot.

Now here's our sanctuary.

It'll seat one twenty five.

Look at these green benches. I love them.

Yeah, we changed those.

We had them normal brown for so long

and I was a little worried about this green. I don't know.

People don't complain.

I... I don't either, I think they're great.

Oh, I hit the jackpot with that guy.

He's the most qualified young man I ever met.

He was excellent at removals,

an artist in the embalming room,

could fix hair like nobody in the business.

Waited well on the families in the morning parlor,

could sing like a bird.

He ran a funeral like a professional,

any aspect of the funeral business:

Eulogizing, scripture reading,

singing... man, he could do it.

But most of all,

we're gonna remember Fred as our friend.

Our... really... close... friend.

I'll walk you to your car.

You poor thing.

This is so hard.

It's just so hard.

You're very brave.

Here now.

Oh, honey,

he was a magician.

He made all of us just look beautiful.

I mean, he could make your wrinkles all just go away,

and he would, if, if you had a overbite,

he'd fix it so it wouldn't be so sticky outie.

And he would take a bouquet of small white roses

and put it in your hand.

I mean, he just made everybody look so beautiful.

Except too bad you were dead.

It seemed like no matter what happened to us,

whether it was car wrecks or heart attacks

or household poisons, or guns left locked and loaded around the house,

or choking on a little piece of meat,

in the end, he always made us look good.

Oh, you name the song, he'd sing it.

If country folks came in requesting an old gospel, he'd sing it.

Or trailer trash came in requesting Loretta Lynn,

he'd sing that, too.

But as great as Bernie was at performing a service,

he was even better at sales.

If you pardon my reach, Mrs. Thompson,

this is a memory drawer.

It wasn't bullshit, he really believed

that all those little touches were necessary.

He even came up with this idea:

For 150 extra...

"Oh, that I had wings like a dove,

I would fly away and be at rest."

At this moment, as the casket descends into the ground,

we now release a white dove