The Night Watchmen

In tragic news tonight, the beloved Baltimore icon,

blimpo the clovvn, and his vvell-knovvn comedy troop,

have been declared dead in Romania.

Vvhat we knovv thus far is that the entire troop including blimpo, himself,

fell violently ill while on tour in Romania.

The cause of death still unknown.

Romanian officials have yet to comment on the matter,

but have agreed to ship the bodies back to the U.S.

To undergo autopsies.

Are you looking at my resume?

Yeah, it's illuminating.

I didn't realize this was an interview.

This is just a technicality.

Well, they told me today was my first day at work.

Vvhoa, vvhoa! No need to start spinning your head all around

and spewing pea soup all over the place.

I'm curious though, vvhat brings you to our plane of existence?

Play the fiddle, get your horns trimmed,

finally collect on kirk Cameron's soul.

Oh, shit, my video.

Look, I'm not with the band anymore.

I had to pursue other opportunities.

Do you have any other skills

aside from the whole satanic Phil Collins shtick?

- Well, I can microwave. - All right.

Hmm.

Works for me.

I don't knovv. He might be overqualified fdr this sizzler.

Sizzler? You mean shizzle, like snoop said.

- That's vvhat I said. Fo shizzle. - No, you didn't.

You're the worst black guy-- the worst black guy ever.

- Who's that? - That's Luca.

Trust me, you don't want any part of that.

Word is he's on witness protection.

The mob has a $500,000 bounty on his head in Italy.

Some say he killed three men vvith his bare hands over a poker game,

and then he escaped from prison.

But whatever you do, never ever stare him

directly in the eyes.

Never.

Eyes back over here, junior.

All right.

Get your uniform for you.

Ah-ah, it's mine.

I forgot there's a test.

A test?

Ooh, ooh. Remember what happened to the last guy.

What else can we do?

Human bowling.

- This doesn't seem entirely-- - and go!

Oh, my god!

Whoo-hoo!

- Ow! - Shit.

That's gonna leave a mark.

- I think he's breathing. - Did I pass?

Would you quit dicking around? We got work to do.

Who's raj eeve?

Oh, rajeeve, nice guy.

Had some weird contagious flesh-eating disease.

He died.

Long agonizing death.

Huh. In that uniform.

Relax, yours is on order.

Come on.

So the job is pretty simple. Paper's printed weekly,

so it's usually pretty quiet around here.

We stare at these monitors. So, we nap, we play cards,

we suck each other's dicks on Tuesday.

Hey! Did you hear what I just said?

Yeah, yeah, we nap, we play cards,

and we suck each other's dicks on Tuesday.

Do you watch all the employees or just the babes?

It's for their own protection.

Uh, what do you mean?

What do you mean, what do I mean?

You see Karen there?

She's special. So get your mind out cf the gutter.

Yeah, my man, Ken, here, he's been big Mac-ing on her since she got here.

Still hasn't asked her out yet.

The employee handbook specifically states

on page 32, section 11, subsection b,

employees must maintain clear boundaries

between co-workers personal and business interactions,

and refrain from fraternizing in and out of the work place.

And it's just Mac-ing. No bacon, no super size, no special sauce.

Got it.

We have four floors. One and two are the warehouse.

Three and four are the offices.

We have some renovations going on,

so we have to be careful there.

We have the exterior doors and windows,

that's our office, and that's the wh--

what the hell is that?

What is? Is that a--

oh, that's just wrong.

- Jiggetts. - You, young man, are on donuts,

and I like mine powdered.

Oh, okay, so just powdered or--?

Just get an assortment.

- Rick, Matt, vvhat the fuck? - Yo, vvhat's up, k-hustle, vvhat's up, j-dog.

What in the hell are you two doing?

Yo, man it's a body, we dragged it in from the lot.

All right, some idiot parked in the bay.

- Randall. - He's got Willy polishing

that piece of shit again, too.

Yeah, well, someone needs to sign for this.

3100 stoker street.

You know we're 3010, all right?

3100's the medical lab down by the docks.

You gotta be kidding me. Man, you got the wrong address!

Hey, man, listen, uh, we gotta go by Hopkins,

and their bay closes in, like, a half an hour, yc), so, like, uh,

you know, you'd be doing me, you know, you be doing me

a solid, man, if you kept this here till tomorrow?

Nope. Not signing it.

Come on, chief.

I know my man here enjoys a little medicinal

whacky tobacky from time to time.

Whoa, whoa, whoa, put that shit away.

You help us out, I'll hook you up.

Not the whole fucking bag, man.

Well, let's not be too hasty here.

Yo, man, you'll have this outta here

by the crizack of dawn.

We won't be held responsible if anything happens to it.

Vvell, it's a stiff, yo, man, vvhat's the vvorst that could happen? You knovv?

- I smell snozzberry diesel. - I know that.

Are you serious? You're gonna get us canned.

You're filling out the paperwork on this.

Whatever.

Excuse me.

Shit bag.

Hey, teammates.

How are they hanging?

Hey, fellas, vvhat's say we have a late night game of cards tonight?

Yeah, you know that's against company policy, Randall.

Oh, come on, we're pals. What's the matter with you?

Well, all right, this weekend then, my place.

You're a muscular guy, you like gladiator movies.

Uh, our guy, rajeeve, here, he loves gladiator movies.

You must be Randall, the head cheese.

But I want you to think of me as one of the boys.

Hey, fellas, what about that coffin in the bay?

Messed up delivery. It'll be gone in the A.M.

-0h, 00h, 00h, 00h.

-- Hey, honey bunny, iwas just about to call you.

Looks like we might have a Ben hur hot tub night this vveekend.

Hope you got your shots. Randall likes you.

And Randall is freak nasty craz-craz.

It's cray-cray.

Not in the hoody.

Check this out, rajeeve.

Shit, Mr. grifhardt.

Oh, this is the money shot.

Oh, baby, give that to daddy.

- Hi, guys. - Shit, it's Karen!

Ah, ha! Um--

ah, just-- it's security footage, it's confidential.

I bet.

Ah.

Um, I'm sorry to interrupt,

we just wanted to let you guys know

that we are finishing up next week's layout upstairs.

The entire department is up there on deadline.

Vve're gonna be vvorking late, so no need to come in, tasers ablazin'.

Don't you worry, young ladies, i got your back doors.

Your backsides.

Your Booty?

We got your backs.

Okay, thank you.

Thank you for that.

Hi, I'm Karen. You must be the new guy.

Raj eeve? Is that Greek?

No, no, I'm--

hi.

I'm penny.

I've worked here for three years.

We carpool together.

Okay.

You know, on that note, we will see you guys later,

but welcome to the gazette, rajeey.

Let's go. I'll get you a milkshake.

That's-- that's not my name.

Who is the homely looking chick? Does she work here?

No, Jesus, again--

he thinks i must be made of money.

I have to pay for everything.

He should try paying for some stuff once in a while.

Sometimes people get buried with their jewelry.

Crap.

Man.

What the?

Blimpo.

I know some fetish sites that'll paya lot of money

for a genuine piece of blimpo.

That nose.

That nose will pay for some sweet anniversary bling.

Mm-

oh, come on!

Damn.