America: The Motion Picture

- We the People. - We the People.

- We the People! - We the People!

- We the People! - We the People!

Wait…

We the People…

- -Yeah!

-We the People! -We the People!

Sorry, Tom, "We the People" it is.

You can use "Us rich white guys" on your Christmas card.

Mmm, at Dartmouth, we play with actual paddles.

Nobody fucking cares how you do it at Dartmouth, Tom.

Franklin, these bucktooth fun police can suck it

because we've done it, boys!

-We have declared our independence! - Huzzah!

Lincoln and his idiot lackey, Washington, are gonna be pissed they missed this.

- -Ooh! We should take a picture!

Say "cheese."

Benedict Arnold?

-It's the Redcoats! Run! -

What is happ--

- No, no, no! -Declarate this!

Now I just have to catch a show with my old chum,

Abraham Lincoln.

Four score and seven years ago,

I swore an oath to never tell a lie.

To be true to my family, my friends, and the Republic for which they stand,

which is why I am compelled, by divine duty, to tell you

your prices are fucking insane!

Wow, easy. Take it up with the King.

-Something about taxation! - Yeah, that's right!

Dude, I just work here.

But… Uh… Something about representation!

-Yeah! -You tell 'em, Abe!

- Abe! -This isn't over, pal!

Yeah!

You don't gotta be such a damn tyrant about it.

Abe! Look at me!

-This guy dared me to climb up here. - No, I didn't.

Well, you should've! Whoo!

- -Yeah!

George, you are a wild man.

What can I say?

Somebody's gotta balance out all your boring politics.

George, I guess that's what makes us such a good team.

A team that will last until we both die of natural causes and old age,

in our forties.

But I do wish ya cared about more than just partying.

Abe! I care about more than that, all right?

I also care about… how good we look!

Oh, George. You paid 35 bucks for a T-blouse?

No, I paid 70 bucks for two T-blouses.

Twinsies!

George, I wish I had a million friends like you.

-Should I put it on my body? -Yeah, put it on your body.

Oh, it feels so soft on my body.

-It's like a blend. Is it a blend? -It's a tri-blend.

Oh, it's so soft, I'd swear it's a quad blend.

-I know. -Oh, shit, oh!

Oh, here comes Ben.

-Ooh! Uh, hey, Ben. -Benedict.

Oh, sorry. Last two.

I'm so glad you came.

Mmm, I was worried that you might have caught wind

of my little surprise.

No, not at all, man.

These are boffo seats! We didn't even see this coming at all.

What are you up to?

You hate surprises and general whimsy.

I've always told you, Abraham,

that your revolution would be the end of you.

And I've always told you, Ben, that I was willing to take that chance.

That we should all be willing to take that chance.

Yes, you have.

The only problem is you assumed, all this time,

that I'm part of your "we," when, in fact,

I'm with a different "we," now.

Uh, I didn't… I don't get it.

I changed teams, assholes.

Oh, Ben, good for you!

I'm so glad that you're embracing your true self.

No! I'm gonna be fuckin' rich.

Oh, Rich sounds like a great guy, would love to meet him.

-We could do a double date? -You're misunderstanding.

-I'll be doing the Redcoat Shuffle. -Hey.

Whatever you guys do in private is your business.

That's one of the things we're fighting for!

Stop being so damn accepting for a minute!

I have aligned myself with the Brits.

Oh. Ohh!

George, are you hearing this?

Are you seeing this?

Abe, they're using things as instruments that you're not supposed to use.

-It's crazy! -George, fuck!

You've sided with the fun police?

Something about taxation. Don't you remember?

Hot take, Abe. Fun sucks.

The Declaration was signed tonight, Ben.

You're too late to stop the revolution. Ha-ha!

-Oh, am I? -

-Your friends in revolution are all dead. - What?

And as for your precious Declaration of Independence…

-Oh, it's beautiful! -A-Kelly Ripa!

No!

But you're Benedict "Cosby" Arnold!

-You're better than this! -You're right.

I am.

Abe, what the… Oh, my God. Your neck's… Oh, my God!

Your neck is bleeding! Is this part of the show?

Look, I don't do well with interactive theater, okay?

It kinda freaks me out.

I know. That's great. We're number one, I get that.

But I don't see what that has to do with…

Arnold, behind you.

No, Abe, I'm George.

It's George!

George, turn around.

Ben! Ben, what the fuck, man?

Someday, Georgie, you'll have to draft a document

that specifically outlines the punishment for what I just did.

But for now, I bid you adieu.

Nyah!

Sic semper my dick, bitches!

This is the weirdest show.

Abe.

Abe, are you okay?

-No, my throat has been roadhoused. - Ah, it's in my mouth.

I'm dying, George.

No, you will not die! You shut your mouth!

-I will shut my mouth. -

-Forever. -Stop it!

-Abe, you're gonna make it. -Yes, to the other side.

No! Back to this side! Where you belong!

George, you must free the colonies.

No! That's your thing, Abe. It's not mine.

It's yours now, George. I believe in you.

- -Free the colonies.

Found a new country.

Name her…

Name her what, babe? You tell me what you want me to name her.

God damn it! You son of a bitch!

Whatever you tell me to name her, that's what I'm gonna name her, Abie!

Name her America.

Is that your top choice?

We can spitball some options, see if we can beat it.

There is no time, George.

My death-shit is imminent.

America, okay? Just remember…

- America. -

A--

Nope.

A--

Okay, hold it.

Abe!

Stand ready.

A vengeful Washington will be here in three, two…

Hey, dickhole!

It's time to… Oh, fuck me.

Yes. Fuck you, indeed.

Subdue him.

I wish to shame him with a cutting dialogue.

- -Hello, guv.

I know betrayal hurts, Georgie,

and it can often rile in a man motivation he didn't even know he had.

But face facts.

With Abe and the rest of your revolutionaries gone,

on account of me having killed them all just now,

your tired, party-boy antics are bound to fail.

You'll never be the leader Abe was.

Because you lack Abe's brains, his heart,

and, most importantly, his soul.

Without him, the revolution is dead.

Rah!

-Whoo! -

That cherry tree didn't chop its fucking self down!

Let's go!

Ah, are you a miniboss, or what? Do something!

Jesus Christ!

Transporter, go!

Let's get you transported.

I can't believe we ever let you into the Three Fuckateers!

I'm changing our Netflix password!

Transporter, the bridge!

Ah!

Fuckin' bridges.