The Death and Life of Bobby Z

Welcome to the California Gold Coast

A magical land where the sun always shines

and the surf always rolls

A place where a million dollars might buy ya a view

of another guy's view

Once upon a time

this was the home of the legendary Bobby Z

You see that out there, folks

That's Bobby Z's territory, my friends

He ruled those waters

He was Poseidon

He was Neptune

His heart beat with the rhythm of those waves

And when the sun set

Z blessed this land with the most amazing

weed known to man

In those days if 5 yuppies smoked a bowl after their poached salmon

well, it was Z's weed, guaranteed

Z's gone now

6 years, maybe more

Some say he's in Europe

Some say even Thailand, maybe Japan

The doubters, the non-believers say they all of course, he's dead

But he's coming back. I know it

Water is life

From it he sprang and to it he shall return

Bobby Z is gonna be rebirthed

Bobby Z is gonna be resurrected

He's coming back

The great Bobby Z is coming back

This guy's perfect

His name is Tim Kearney 3-time loser from Palmdale

He definitely resembles him

Family

Mom's dead, dad split

Hm

Uncles, aunts, brothers, sisters

Tim's an only child on his own since he was 15

First gets busted when he was a kid for breaking and entering

when he trips over a lawn sprinkler on the way out the door

carrying his stash

Goes to juvie, comes out, does it again

By this time he gets a court-mandated stint in the Marines

Gets his ass sent to Iraq Hm

Alright, where he wins the Navy cross

and then gets a dishonorable discharge

For what

Beating up an Iraqi colonel

Should've give 'im a medal

Then he comes back to the States

where he commits assault and battery strongarm

on a convenience store clerk

for raising the price on an ice cream bar

Thought it was eightyfive cents Dollar fifteen

Strike 1

Now get this. He gets paroled, right Mm

His dipshit buddy Wayne picks him up

On the way home he stops at a gas station

Tim's waiting in the car, Wayne goes in

Okay, here's the beaut

Wayne robs the gas station

Tim takes the rap

Open the door! Open the door

Go! Oh shit, there's a cop

There's a cop

Open the door! Go

Strike 2

Which leads us to our dead biker friend, Maddog

Been here 6 months now, boy

You need protection, and we're it

Just wanna do my time, man

Don't work like that, soldier boy

Strike 3

Heartbreakin'

Yeah

Yeah, he's fucked

The Brotherhood'll get him no matter what prison yard he ends up on

Shit, Brotherhood'll kill you no matter where you end up, period

How'd you get to be such a loser, convict, hm

Uh, what is it, low self-esteem

Lack of impulse control

Man, I can't remember what they described

Well I see you had a lot of practice from your file, here

Yeah

You know why you're here

Probably 'cause you want me to roll over on somebody, right

Wrong. We don't want you to roll over on somebody

We want you to be somebody

That's what my mom used to say

Why don't you stop fooling around

and maybe just maybe if you do like I say dude

you can walk away from here and keep walking

Would you like that convict

Good

Look at him

Look at him

Who does he look like

Does he look like anybody you know

Well he kinda looks like me

You know who that is

That is Bobby Z

Robert James Zacharias, man

Grew up in Laguna Beach

While you were shitting your life down the toilet

he was The Dude

The Man Oh, he had it all, man

The hottest women, the finest clothes

the best dope

He was living the life, man

But he had another talent

See, Bobby was also a very accomplished drug dealer

Matter of fact, he was a legend at 16

Couldn't even get a driver's license

He hitchhiked to and from his first weed buy

2 Nike bags, 8 Ki's of Maui Wowee

Z turns 2 gym bags into 4 4 into 16, 16 into 32

Unlike you convict he figures it all out

'Cause he never puts his own ass on the line

But he's getting some unwanted attention not from the cops

but from some other

businessmen, some rivals

2 of his best runners end up face-down

in a drainage ditch out there in Riverside

So what does Z do

He disappears

like morning mist

Now the dope still keeps coming

And we're wondering how

Turns out

Bobby Z's got a marketing system

Yeah, it's genius

Cutouts, bonuses, agents

Profit-sharing

All kinds of shit

I mean he's bringing in boatloads of the best weed from all over the world

brings it in electronically

running his empire from afar

like he's a goddamned wizard of weed or some shit

So what do you want me to do

Don Huertero

Biggest drug dealer in Northern Mexico

Runs Tijuana, runs Baja, runs San Diego

He wants to partner up with Bobby Z and start marching north

to Los Angeles

Now, this Don Huertero is holding a man in Mexico

His name is Art Moreno He's my partner

He's a good man. He's got five kids

and I'm godfather to all of 'em

I'd like my partner to see my partner come home alive

Don Huertero has agreed to make an exchange

Art Moreno for Bobby Z

But only for Bobby Z

So why don't you find him

We had him

Turned himself in, in the embassy in Thailand, sick as a dog

Got bit by some Asian bug

Walks into the embassy

says his name is Robert James Zacharias

says he's dying

says he needs to speak with somebody

so I'm on a plane pronto

But I'm too late

Kaboom, heart attack

Drops dead right there in the embassy

God damn bug killed him

So listen up

This is where you come in

Look

Don Huertero's got no sense of humor about this shit

If he finds out that the real Z is dead

he'll kill my partner

Dead for dead

You pretend to be Z

We make a trade with you at the border

and if you walk away, well

you walk away

Man, the second I walk in there

Don Huertero's gonna know I'm not Bobby Z

Huertero and Z have never met It's up to you

You take your chances on the border pretending to be Bobby Z

or we leave you here at the Hotel California

Perfect

I'll be damned

Tell me how you got that scar again

l...

I. I, I

I was surfing and my head bounced off a rock when I wiped out

Where

Uh, Three Arch Bay

What kind of car do you drive A sixty-six Mustang

Favorite color Yellow

Favorite football team He hates football

I hate football

I hate football

Favorite meal

Uh...

Come on! Vegetarian chili

How many times we gotta go over this

Lunch time, Z

You're welcome Oh, come on man