Faith Based

Hey, jungle monster, you ever been fucked by a girl?

Cause Sally is horny.

Good job, Sally.

When I grow up, I want to be Butch Savage.

I want to be Butch Savage.

Hey, little dudes and dudettes, do you want to be the next Butch Savage?

Then follow Butch's three rules of living savage.

Number one, never settle.

You get too comfortable, you lose your drive.

Number two, work hard.

There are no shortcuts.

Number three, eat sugary savage cereal every day.

It'll give you strong muscles and big brains like Butch.

Get out of here, bananas, I ain't no monkey.

I'm a savage.

- Savage! - Savage!

My name is Luke. I'm from Los Angeles, California.

I live here in Reseda now with my best friend Tanner.

Dude, you're supposed to get the missiles by the silo.

And my favorite dog, Mr. Perfect.

Hey, uh, Luke, you're being a little bitch or are you...

My name's Tanner. I live in Los Angeles.

Look, here's the boob.

I like to say that I am electively a single.

- All right, Henry. - Henry. - Yeah.

I like his new uniform.

Time to go to church.

Finish your beer. We got Bingo at eight.

All right, ladies and gentlemen, this is Shit Show Bingo.

Fine, fine, fine, fine.

Ladies and gentlemen, we got N39.

N39 cocaine time.

That's right, looking for a little white girl.

- By white girl I mean cocaine. - Bingo!

- -

- She told me, no. - Oh, yeah.

Tanner works at my all-time favorite bar No Bar.

That mustache looks like a rat got stuck on a glue trap.

You look like the bad guy from every '80s movie.

You mind if I plug this in?

- Can't you just get a new one if it dies? - Tanner, it's late.

I can't risk this bad boy dying on me.

There's nothing more embarrassing than a grown man pushing a scooter.

I don't want to call it a dive because it's nicer than a dive, it's a lounge,

just the kind of place you go to hang out.

How about a free drink for your old friend, Gerry.

What are you even doing here, Gerry?

- I eighty-sixed you last week. - He eighty-sixed you last week.

That was last week though. It's this week. Okay.

All right, don't talk about me when I'm gone, please.

Yeah. Bye, Gerry.

Aside from Tanner and, of course, Mr. Perfect,

my third favorite person in Los Angeles is Brandy.

She's an angel sent down for the world but mainly me.

Brandy, how's the film industry?

Brandy is great. Luke's got a really big crush on her.

She's super nice. She's also a porn star.

It's fucking exhausting. I had two jobs today. My back is killing me.

Tanner is convinced that Brandy's in porn.

I don't know. And, honestly, if she does do porn, it doesn't bother me.

I respect her right to do what she wants with her body.

My buddy Luke, he's got a pretty sweet gig. He cleans pools.

Um, he does it part time.

I'm an idea man. I'm an entrepreneur.

Okay, I take an idea and I say, "What do we need to turn the idea into reality?"

What I present to you today

is not just an opportunity to change your bank account or your body.

It's an opportunity to change your life.

I don't get it.

Uh, he likes to say he's an idea guy

but usually his ideas involve getting other people to help him sell, uh, teas,

like weight loss teas.

That's right, I sell tea, herbal weight loss tea. But it really works.

I get two dollars and fifty cents from every sale.

And if I recruit someone else, I get a dollar twenty-five from their sales.

It's incredible, man. The sky is endless.

Is that the right analogy?

Anyway, I am about 25 grand in debt from the stuff

but Nicky Steele says...

It takes money to make other people make money to make you money.

My life is good. I have a job sometimes.

But I come from a family of excellence.

There's a part of me that feels like I am destined for bigger things.

Nicky Steele's herbal weight loss tea

starts generating revenue the minute you sign...

- Why aren't you cleaning the pool? - Jimmy.

What are all these people doing here? What's going on?

Did we hire them? They feel old.

- Do they swim? - I can't swim.

- I thought we were getting a free lunch. - Yeah.

My clients' houses are not a backdrop for your pyramid scheme.

Jimmy, is it really a pyramid scheme if everybody makes money?

Yes.

But, Luke, let's put it this way,

his heart's in the right place but his head it's crammed way up his ass.

I'm sorry I... I liked your dad, Luke, he's a great guy, but this is it, you gotta go.

You're fired.

I guess everyone has their own way of wooing a potential mate.

Tanner has this thing.

Unbelievable.

Dinner and a movie.

Well, dinner and a very specific movie.

A moving drama about the Holocaust.

I hate that this works, but it works.

Call me, Tanner.

May the odds ever be in your favor.

Tanner's really great.

He's, uh, got really great hair and, um...

Dude, it's time for us to do something with our lives.

Look, dude, I support your entrepreneurial spirit.

I really do, but the weight loss tea, no, thanks.

I'm not talking about the tea, okay, I'm talking about a real power move, okay?

I'm talking about something to put us on the map, man, get us out of Reseda.

Let's take... let's take Mr. Perfect and get up to the hills.

Of course, I want to take Mr. Perfect to the hills.

But, dude, I make money to drink and hang out with my friends.

My life is pretty great.

I mean, here's the thing. I like working at the bar.

I do. It's easy. It's fun. I'm flushed with cash.

Hell, half the time I take care of Luke's share of the rent and it doesn't even bother me.

But, um, you know, my liver's got its limitations

and, uh, you know, it's... it's a gig with an expiration date.

What's up big guy? What... what's got you talking like a career counselor?

What are you even doing here right now? Did... did Jimmy fire you again?

The little guy caught me selling my tea to some people I met outside the nursing home.

I need a scream shower.

What's a scream shower?

He thinks I can't hear him.

Screaming.

So then he says to me, "Well, if it's a 401(k) and not a 403(b),

are you really diversified?

Okay, okay, okay, settle down, settle down. Come on. Come on.

Let us pray.

Blessed to be here.

Lord, Father, God, thank you for Ryan

who is striving to create job opportunities for those less fortunate.

Thank you, Lord. Thank you. Thank you.

I'm adopted, which I'm thankful for

but I think my dad always wanted my brother

and he got me and then he got my brother.

And, Luke, he's working in pool sanitation, Lord,

it is really something else.

Lord Father God, we give thanks and praise for all these wondrous and bountiful gifts

in your and Jesus' name.

Amen.

Amen. Mm-mm.

Apparently, before Luke came along, our family was pretty well off.

But we're glad to have a brother though, you know.

You know I, uh, been having a little, uh, little drama going on at work myself these days.

What's up, Dad?

Well, as you may or may not be aware,

the attendance of the church has been slowly declining since the late 90's.

Our revenue is based mainly on tithing.

So, when the people disappear, so does the money.

We need 75 grand just to make the rest of the year's rent.

And then, eventually, we're going to need another 100 to fix that roof

that's not getting any better.

You know, what we really need is our own version of Love is Underground .

I believe that those are Wild Wood Brothers over in Charleston made.

Oh, I saw that.

The one where the police officers are stuck in the sewer during a hurricane.

You know, they thought they were gonna die

and then they found Jesus and then they didn't die.

Oh, I love that they don't die.

So, this was a financial success?

Oh, yes, the church funded it, completely paid off their mortgage.

No way.

I'm serious. Look it up.

Love is Underground, stars, um, oh,

oh, and wonderfully devout young man from Growing Pains.

And what is his name, uh...

Kirk Cameron.

It's already made three million dollars.

Oh, it's completely revolutionized the church.

Y'all couldn't have gone into the film business.

Well, anyway, I... I suppose it's my fault.

Uh, your mother, God rest her sweet soul.

Well, she wanted to put you all in commercials

to make some extra money to make up for Luke's adoption fee which was pretty exorbitant.

But, well, anyway, I just couldn't stomach

the thought of my child being the face of yogurt.

Oh, baby girl, this is so good. Thank you. Praise God.

Praise God.

Well, Sally, some people might call this a dead end.

What do you say we make it a cul-de-sac?

Can we cease the fucking Butch Savage marathon, please?

Butch Savage is a great American hero.

Can you name another wrestler slash actor slash independent presidential candidate?