Why Women Kill

I started dating Beth Ann in high school.

She used to make me sandwiches and sew buttons on my shirts.

There's nothing sexier than a girl who likes to take care of you.

I was introduced to Simone at a benefit.

Oh, the entrance she made.

Designer gown, dripping in diamonds.

You could tell from the way she walked, she knew she was fabulous.

I first saw Taylor at a Women's March.

She was giving a speech about dismantling the patriarchy.

And I don't really remember much of it, because the entire time,

I was just thinking...

"That is one hot feminist."

Beth Ann was a virgin on our wedding night.

I was Simone's third husband.

Taylor told me she was bisexual.

She wanted nothing more than to be a housewife.

She loved to shop and throw parties.

So I married a lawyer. My Jewish parents were thrilled.

We were very happy...

for the first few years.

Until she discovered my secret.

And then, all hell broke loose.

Can you believe it?

Oh, Rob. It's lovely.

Damn straight.

And it's so big.

Well, it's a mansion, is what it is.

You're married to a guy who can afford a goddamn mansion.

- Oh. Hello. - Hello. Sheila Mosconi.

This is my husband, Leo.

I guess you're our new neighbors.

I must apologize for my husband's language.

He's excited because we've never lived anywhere this nice before.

- He doesn't usually swear. - Relax.

- We're from Brooklyn. - Yeah. We don't give a fuck.

Yes. Well, it was lovely to meet you.

After you unpack, invite us over.

I'll give you the skinny on all the neighbors.

You know, who to avoid.

She wants to see if your furniture's nicer than ours.

I married a tightwad.

I know that her furniture is nicer than ours.

The moving men will be here any second.

After they're done, we would love to host you.

I saw you talking to the neighbors.

What are they like?

Italian.

Karl?

- Karl? - I'm in here, Simone.

The phone is going to ring any second.

It'll be Henri, my hairdresser, and he will be livid.

- What have you done? - I'm 20 minutes late. Again.

He's gonna say he's given away my appointment.

Don't let him. Insist I left an hour ago, and that you're beyond frantic.

Can you do that? Can you lie for me?

Last week, I told Delia Butrose you'd never had work done.

This is why you're the best husband I've ever had.

I was just hoping to be in the top three.

- Wish me luck. - Hurry home.

Our party starts at 7:00.

You know me. I'm never late...

for a party.

Saul. My man.

I just got your text. What's up?

Actually, it's my wife.

She requires a little face time.

- Hey, Saul. - Hey.

Hey. I just had a quick question about the blueprints for the remodel.

What seems to be the problem?

Well, see, I asked for a window to be put in the side of the building.

But you put it in the back.

Yeah. I had to do it that way.

Okay, but why?

Well, it's a structural thing.

It's hard to explain.

Oh. Well, I'm a smart girl. Give it a try.

Relax, sweetheart, it's gonna look great.

Okay, Saul, here's what I think is going on.

You wanna finish this job quickly and move on to the next one,

and it's easier to put the window there instead of where I want it.

Am I right?

I've been in construction 40 years. No one's ever questioned my integrity.

And until you can speak my language,

you're just gonna have to trust me, sweetie.

I may not understand construction, but I do understand contracts.

Especially the one you signed, which clearly states that...

I don't have to pay you unless the work is completed to my satisfaction.

And that means, for the purpose of this, and all future conversations,

my dick is bigger than yours.

Am I speaking your language now, Saul?

Yes.

Good.

It's okay, man. Her dick's also bigger than mine.

You get used to it.

I found the coasters. They were in the last box I looked in.

Sheila and Leo were just telling me about the neighborhood.

You are gonna love the supermarket. Five blocks away and it's got everything.

I can't wait.

- I have so much shopping to do. - And the schools here are excellent.

You guys got kids?

- Uh... No. - Well, we have four little rug rats.

At some point, they are gonna break something that you own.

Not to worry. We will pay for it.

We make up for being bad parents by being good neighbors.

Rob, why do I get the feeling we've met before?

I don't know, Leo.

I mean... your face looks so familiar to me.

- What do you do for a living? - I'm in aerospace engineering.

Ever hear of Cyther-Tech?

- No. - They have contracts with NASA.

I help design rockets.

I'm in dry cleaning, myself.

Got four stores. Practically a chain.

Sounds more impressive if no one's been talking about rockets.

Rob, can I say something?

Sure. What's up?

If you want more coffee, ask for it.

I beg your pardon?

Just tapping on your cup? Come on.

That's how you treat a maid, not your wife.

Okay. See, this is my fault.

I bought Sheila a copy of The Feminine Mystique.

I thought it was a sex manual.

She's been acting militant ever since.

Sorry.

Honey, does my tapping offend you?

Of course not.

Rob is such a wonderful provider.

I consider it an honor to take care of him.

See? She's happy.

Didn't mean to spoil the mood.

Sorry, Rob.

Apology accepted.

To show there's no hard feelings, next time you are in Glendale,

stop by Cyther-Tech and I'll give you the grand tour.

- You work in Glendale? - Yeah. That's where we're based.

Well, it's getting late.

You guys have unpacking to do, and we have kids to spank.

Yeah.

We're so happy to have made two new friends.

We feel the same way. Take care, Beth Ann.

Rob.

Simone!

The house, it's finally done.

My decorator finished Friday. What do you think?

I'm so jealous I could kill myself.

That's the look I was going for.

Darling, I got you a scotch.

Oh, thank you, my love. Don't I have the nicest husband?

I don't know. Ed died and left me six million.

That was pretty nice.

Oh, where's Wanda? Didn't she come with you?

Wanda couldn't make it.

Why not?

She's in a dark place lately.

Charles is divorcing her because she won't stop drinking.

Oh, poor thing.

Mom, I'm working.

I'll pretend not to know you in exchange for some cheese balls.

- How many do you want? - Leave the tray.

I feel so badly for Wanda.

Why don't I throw a lunch in her honor?

I don't think that's a good idea.

I think she could use a show of support from her friends.

Honey.

Wanda doesn't like you.

- You lie. - Remember when we went to Le Dome?

Charles had just moved out the day before.

Wanda was crushed.

I told delightful anecdotes to make her laugh.

Stories about your trips to Italy and your thriving art gallery

and how much money you're spending on your daughter's wedding.

Misery loves company.

You should've just said that your life isn't so perfect either.

But my life is perfect.

That's exactly the type of thing your friends don't wanna hear.

Simone?

Everything all right?

Naomi says that...

Wanda doesn't like me.

I'm just devastated.

Oh, my poor darling. Here.

Would it help to dance?

I believe it would.

- Hey. - Hey.

Really? You want to throw another jacket on that chair?

I'm so tired.

- There's a coat rack right there. - You're complaining about me?

There's three pairs of your pants hanging over the couch.

We don't have a pants rack.

Well, now you've ruined your birthday surprise.

Yeah, yeah.

Get any writing done?

A couple pages, nothing much.

That's something.

What are we gonna do about dinner?

Oh, I was thinking pizza.

My mom used to love pizza.

What did you think of her body?

Salad it is.