Trick and Treats

Like many old stories,

what follows is based on actual events.

The trick is figuring out

what parts of the story are true

and what others are merely the depraved products

of a twisted mind.

Once upon a time, back around 1800,

there was a farmer named Peter.

He had a wife, Elizabeth,

who all of a sudden got to acting unfaithful.

But these weren't your normal infidelities,

mind you,

this was hardcore, devil-filled debauchery.

Now, Peter knew a good woman like Elizabeth

didn't turn all wild for no reason at all.

Her behavior had to be the work of a demon.

So Pete, having a healthy fear of the supernatural,

had hatched a plan to bind the creature.

Now, his first idea was just, you know,

beat the devil out of her.

Sadly, that demon just wouldn't let go.

So Pete had to switch to plan B.

But even though jack-o'-lanterns have

a long history of binding spirits,

that stubborn old demon

had its claws pretty deep into Elizabeth.

So there was only one thing left for old Pete to do.

But demons aren't something you want to mess with.

And just when you think you got 'em

right where you want 'em,

they've always got another trick up their sleeves.

But demons aren't something you want to mess with.

And just when you think you got 'em

right where you want 'em,

they've always got another trick up their sleeves.

Wow, Pete.

You've got a dark side.

But that's okay, so have I.

My name is Trick,

and I've got to hand it to you, Peter,

that was quite a trick you pulled on me

with that jack-o'-lantern.

But don't be too proud.

After all, anyone can kill somebody.

The trick is to make a person's life

such a living hell

that they kill themselves in order to escape.

Speaking of, aren't you just curious to know

how a sweet, innocent woman like Elizabeth

changed so much so quickly?

How something like me got inside of her?

It was you.

Remember the blonde?

You know, the one that always had a smile for you?

She's more than just a whore.

She's a witch.

So that night,

when you gave in to temptation,

you got more than just a good time.

You got me.

Then you brought me home

and shoved me right inside

your lovely, little wife.

The trick is

figuring out just how many pieces

you have to cut your wife into

before she'll fit inside a pumpkin.

A priest walks into a bar.

I've told you this before, try to remember.

-I'm not a priest, I'm a pastor. -Six of one.

Now, what are you doing here anyway?

I mean, you decide to trade preaching for honest work?

Oh, no, I came to give you some advice about your bar.

You did.

Very special place,

but your decorations are very juvenile

as to what the identity of the bar is.

Why you got to go busting on my decorations, Joseph?

Oh, I'm not busting, I'm just saying

you can get rid of some of them.

That one.

Oh, no way, Father.

Mark'll kick my a--

my butt.

Oh, no, he's not going to kick your butt.

I'll tell you what.

I have got something in my pocket,

the pastor's wallet.

I'm ready to pay you

$616 to purchase.

Man...

You could offer 50 more and it still ain't for sale.

Although I am feeling a whole lot better

about never putting any money into your collection plate.

Now that I see exactly how it is you spend your flock's money.

It's not my flock's money.

It's the money I've earned

from giving God's word

to the people who need to hear it, want to hear it,

and even don't want to hear it.

You can tell me all the wise saws

and the Zen koans or whatever you're giving me, but, like,

this thing, it--

I've heard all the stories about it, man.

You don't understand.

That pumpkin is not what you think it is.

And I've heard all the stories, I tell most of them.

I'm sure you do, but in order to tell the stories properly,

you gotta know how to tell 'em, you got to know the history.

You got to know about where they came from,

what they do, what they've done, what they will do.

Give it up, man, Mark ain't selling.

And if you're waiting around for this

plastic pumpkin bucket to start talking

or some crazy shit like that, I mean,

you're nuttier than everybody else says.

Hey, we've had this thing here for weeks now.

All it does is just sit there and look ugly.

I'm coming!

Jesus.

Yes, I hear you, I'm coming.

Yeah.

Yeah, okay, I'm coming.

Ah, it's fucking--

Wow, Ash, look at you.

Come on, come on, come on.

Okay, now-- okay, all right, I'll let you in now.

See? Had us waiting.

Hey, finally.

-Oh, nice costume. -God.

I can't believe she got me to dress like this.

Yeah, well, I was just going to wear my softball uniform.

Yeah, short stops are real hot.

Anyway, there's no way that slut girl

is winning sexiest costume again.

And Laura, it's a theme.

And what kind of theme was that supposed to be, Kelly?

The three little hookers?

Y'all ready to go?

Let's go.

-Damn, Ash. -What?

Getting up in the car looking all sexy, and--

late, looking all late.

I mean, damn, it's bad enough we got to come all the way out

here to BFE to get you,

but we got to wait an hour or two?

Have you seen what I'm wearing?

It took me like an hour to get into this thing.

What's that even supposed to mean?

What's what supposed to mean?

-BFE? -Really?

Butt-fucking Egypt.

I know what that, but why does that mean middle of nowhere?

Isn't Egypt like the cradle of civilization?

I mean, yeah, cradle of civilization,

but it's still in the middle of the fucking desert,

so, you know, BFE.

So where does the butt sex come in?

Well that, well, I'm glad you asked.

'Cause that'll be for later tonight

after I've got a little liquor in you.

Shut up.

Liquor in the front, poker in the rear.

-Just give me the pumpkin. -I like it.

I'm not gonna give you the pumpkin,

but I do have a call here.

Oh, yeah, there's a VIP call, I gotta take this.

VIP, this says for a very important primate.

Yeah.

You know the man then, I see that.

-I see you know the man. -I'm gonna sit next to

the pumpkin 'cause that's where I belong.

He's my friend.

Give Trick back!

No, no, no!

He's my friend.

By blood bound by blood be born.

Joseph, what have you done?

See, I've always said you'd chew your eye out.

You're coming home with me.

-Hey, no! -Come on, old man.

-Put it back. -Hey, hey, hey!

I have cut you some slack.

Everybody in town knows

you've had some pretty shitty luck.

Give me the pumpkin!

You are abnormally strong.

Look.

-Look. -God damnit!

Okay, okay, okay, okay.

Man, I'm telling you...

you may be a pastor,

but that is not gonna stop me from doing everything I have to

to keep this pumpkin in this bar.

Now, I may have a little bit of fear of God left in me,

but ain't nothing compared to my fear of Mark.

All you're doing with this antics,

this screwing around,

you're just giving me more stories

to tell about this thing.