Step Brothers

Hey, Brennan.

Mom, I'm watching the thing with the lady.

I'm leaving. Okay? I'll be home around 11.

-Bye, Mom. -Bye, Brennan.

Let's slowly get those hips up. Good. Now, hold it right here. Great.

Dale.

Dale, I'm leaving for the conference.

-You leave me money for pizza, Dad? -Yeah, there's $20 on the hall table.

Do not order pay-per-view, buddy.

-But what if I want wings? -You don't need wings.

That's not enough, Dad!

The RTI cochlear implant...

...is the state-of-the-art implantable hearing device...

...due to its input processing of sound via the speech processor.

But the most exciting new development...

...is the external processor...

...which fits directly over the ear...

...which eliminates the need to put your face between those breasts.

I'm sorry. I'm just-- I'm so lost. And this never happens to me.

My name is Robert, and I play racquetball. I collect coins.

Sweet Jesus! I love Korean food.

I am Nancy Huff. I know how to make tandoori chicken...

...I contribute to NPR every single year...

...and I love the movies of Rob Reiner.

Pilates changed my life.

I have a boat, and I wanna retire and sail around the world.

-I love the sea! -And I drive a Mercedes...

...and I have a 40-year-old son, Dale, who still lives at home.

-What did you just say? -I knew I shouldn't have told you that.

I have a 39-year-old son named Brennan...

...who still lives at home with me.

I would like to thank all of you...

...for being here with us on this fantastic, wonderful day.

And I would like to raise my glass.

Dale and I wanna welcome you to our home with open arms.

-Get a room, Dad. -Oh, for chri-- Dale!

Well, as you all know, my youngest son, Derek, couldn't be here...

...because of an important fishing trip.

But my other son, Brennan, was going to be moving into his own place...

...but he was recently let go from his job at PetSmart...

...so he is gonna be living with us.

I wasn't fired from my job, I was laid off!

But you wouldn't know the difference.

I didn't want salmon! I said it four times.

This wedding is horseshit.

Somebody's awfully quiet back there.

I'm not gonna call him Dad.

Brennan, you're 39 years old.

I would not expect you to call him Dad.

Well, I'm not going to, ever. Even if there's a fire.

Robert better not get in my face...

...because I'll drop that motherfucker.

Jesus, Brennan.

I'm just saying, I think you gotta think about your options.

I know that you are technically married now...

...but that does not mean that they have to live here.

Dale, I think it's time for a change for both of us.

Dad, we're men, okay?

That means a few things.

We like to shit with the door open. We talk about pussy.

We go on riverboat-gambling trips. We make our own beef jerky.

That's what we do. And now that is all wrecked.

We literally have never done any of those things.

Where did he go to medical school?

He went to Northwestern and Johns Hopkins.

-Is that good enough for you? -No, it's not.

Well, Brennan, those are very prestigious schools.

I smoked pot with Johnny Hopkins.

You don't know anyone named Johnny Hopkins.

It was Johnny Hopkins and Sloan Kettering...

...and they were blazing that shit up every day.

All right, here's a scenario for you, Dad.

Suppose Nancy sees me coming out of the shower...

...and decides to come on to me. I'm looking good.

I've got a luscious V of hair...

...going from my chest pubes down to my ball-fro.

And she takes one look at me, and she goes:

"Oh, my God.

I've had the old bull, now I want the young calf."

-And she grabs me by the wiener. -Shut the fuck up!

-Come on, Brennan. -I'm fine here.

-There you are. -Hi.

Oh, you look so cute in your moving clothes.

-How was it? -It was easy.

The movers did everything.

Where's Brennan?

He's still in the car.

It was kind of a rough drive.

Hey, Robert, what's all the commotion?

-Hey, Don. -Is that your wife, Nancy?

-Right here, Don. -Can I come over this afternoon...

-...and touch your face? -Sure.

Thanks. Good luck, guys.

We'll see you, Don.

Let's go, Cinnamon. Heel, Cinnamon.

Heel! Cinnamon!

Cinnamon!

Hi, Dale.

Hey, Nancy. Could you make me a grilled-cheese sandwich?

-Sure. -No.

Dale just ate. He's testing you to see how much he can get away with.

-I see. -I'm hungry.

Look in your right hand.

-I sure don't mind a bit. I really don't. -No, no.

No, no. He's fine.

Hey.

Hey.

I'm Brennan.

I'm Dale.

But you have to call me Dragon.

You have to call me Nighthawk.

Brennan.

Please don't do that.

Now, that's enough ketchup. Come on. Dale.

-I like it. -That's enough.

So, what have you been working on recently, Dale?

Well...

...I manage a baseball team.

-Little League? -Fantasy league.

Take a picture. It'll last longer.

Why don't you stop being so confrontational, Dale?

I'm not the one staring at me.

So, Brennan, how about you?

I know you used to work at PetSmart.

-That's right, Mr. Doback. -Call me Robert.

-That's right, Robin. -Robert.

Robin.

Actually, Brennan is a really talented person.

He's a very gifted singer.

-I'm really, really good. -How good?

I've been called the songbird of my generation...

...by people who've heard me.

That good.

The only trick is is that Brennan's very...

...particular about who he sings in front of, so...

I'm his mom, for example, I've only heard him sing twice.

That's funny that you say that, because I can sing too.

In fact, I'll sing right now.

If you wanna get down On these hairy balls

-Hey! -Why don't you jump right in?

It's a crotch party right up in here

-Stop it! -Why don't you lick on this big joint?

Stop it, Dale! Stop it! Stop it!

That's cute.

I remember when I had my first beer.

That's so funny, the last time I heard that...

...I laughed so hard I fell off my dinosaur.

Stop right now. All right? Let's just back off.

All right. Brennan, it's okay. It's okay.

Hey, hey.

-Great, Dale. -He said a mean thing first.

All right, just-- Look, you know what--? Hey, guys.

Okay, sleeping arrangements. It's gonna be different...

...but because Dale refuses to give up his office drum set...

...that means that, Brennan, you and Dale are gonna have to share a room.

-But it's just temporary. -Mom, we didn't talk about this.

Well, it's gonna be an exciting adventure.

You wanna show him the room, Dale? Show him where he can put his stuff?

-That's nice, thank you. -Good night, Nancy.

Hey, listen, I like to have a lot of fresh fruit around...

...and chocolate chips in my pancakes. Okay?

-Write it so you don't forget. -Show him the room.

She's Mom now, so...

-Good night, Mom. -Good night, Brennan.

-Good night, Mr. Doback. -Good night, Brennan.

So just a few basic rules about the house.

If there's any foods that you like...

...I suggest you put your name on them, or they will be thrown out.

By me.

House was built in 1825 by General Custer.

I wanna show you this room.

Hold up.

-You see this room? -Yeah.

Okay, here's the deal.

This is my office and my beat laboratory.

Okay?

And this is the one rule of the house:

Don't ever, ever, ever...

...touch my drum set.

-You understand? -Don't go in there and--

-No touching! -All right!

There. I was at about six there.

You don't wanna see me go to 10.

Get your shit. We're going to my room.

Honey?

I just found a chain of islands that we can sail to after New Zealand.

That's wonderful.

You know, I've been meaning to ask you...

Why is it that Dale never left?

Well, Dale has always coasted off my accomplishments.

I mean, he left college his junior year...

...because he said he wanted to join the family business.

-But you're a medical doctor. -Believe me, I've told him that.

But he just always says, "It's all about who you know."

I don't know where he got this sense of entitlement.

Maybe it was his mother passing. What about Brennan?

From what you've told me...

...his younger brother Derek's been quite successful.

Well, certainly when his father and I split, that was difficult for him.

And this one time, when Brennan was 17 and Derek was 14...