Sailor Beware

- Well, Jim, they look pretty good, huh? - Certainly do, Chief.

If it does, it'll be a miracle.

Hey, how long we gotta stand in line, sailor?

- Sailor? - Oh, you're the doorman?

Have you ever considered any other branch of the service?

The Army recruiting office is just down the street, you know.

Oh, thanks gobs, gob, but I gotta get in the Navy.

It's practically doctor's orders, practically.

Doctor's orders?

Oh, yes, sir. You see, it's my allergies, and my doctor says I need ocean travel,

and this is the only way I can afford it.

Do you know anyone in there?

The chief of this station and I are as close as that.

Oh. Then maybe you can do me a favor, sir.

You see, I'm a little bit worried about passing a physical,

and I thought maybe you could get the chief in there

to put in a good word for me.

Well, you can depend on that.

I'll see that the chief tells them all about you.

Oh, thank you, sir. Thank you very much, sir.

Gee, I hope he don't forget to tell the chief about me.

Hey, buddy, I can't watch you go down for the third time.

Be my guest?

Oh, you want I should change places with her?

No!

You don't have to get mad. I was just asking.

Now, look, honey, we can't hold up the Navy.

Oh, Al, doll!

That'll hold you for four years. Goodbye, sugar.

Goodbye.

Goodbye, Al.

- Wasn't that... - Hetty Button.

You know, if I could kiss a girl like that, I wouldn't have to join the Navy.

Oh, cheer up, Atlas, I'm only going through the motions.

I go in one door and come out the other. They won't have me.

- How do you know? - This is the 11th time I've tried to enlist.

They keep rejecting me. I have a trick knee.

But these goodbyes sure make it worthwhile.

You mean after 11 times she hasn't caught on?

That's the 11th girl.

Gee, you're lucky. I can't even get close to a girl.

I'm allergic to face powder, perfume and lipstick.

If I get too close to a girl, my uvula becomes edematous,

which means inflamed, and if it becomes inflamed, it swells up.

Then I can't breathe.

And if I can't breathe, that could become fatal.

- You said a mouthful. - Do you know women could kill me?

What a way to die.

Although I could dose myself with privine, Pyribenzamine and Benadryl,

then breathing would be possible

but so expensive I'd probably starve to death.

Yeah, what's the difference?

If you can't go out with any women, you might as well be dead anyhow.

I got it. Why don't you go out with a lot of women,

kiss them and build up an immunity?

I can't even get close to a girl. I've never been kissed.

Even my mother wouldn't have the nerve.

Well, that figures.

All right, come on, let's close up.

The old man is still as bad as ever.

Where do you think you're going?

I was just... Nowhere.

- What's it to you? - Get back where you belong.

Don't let that fathead talk to you like that.

Who's calling me a fathead?

My friend has a right to his own opinion.

Is that your opinion?

I'll say it is. He thinks you're a stupid ox.

- Now I'm a stupid ox, huh? - I didn't say anything.

Don't back down. Tell him you'll punch him in the nose.

Stop putting words in my mouth. I won't say that.

- You won't say what? - "I'll punch you in the nose."

- Oh, I said it. - Why, you...

He broke the whole chest. Now my ribs are busted, they're all smashed.

Come on.

Hey, do you see that? That little guy down the line?

- Yeah, Chief. - Well, naturally, I don't want to interfere

and I don't want any leniency shown,

but I do want to make certain that this guy is really physically fit

for the Navy.

Okay, Chief.

The squirt down the line is a friend of the chief's. Pass it on.

The weird one's a friend of the chief.

Wouldn't you know?

See that squirrelly character down there?

A friend of the chief's.

Hey, they're all staring at me.

Stare back at them.

Well, let's face it, you are a little different.

Fill these out. Go over in the corner and strip. Make it snappy.

Fill these out. Go over in the corner and strip. Move along.

Here are some papers that we have to have filled out.

We hope it won't be too much trouble.

Then after that, would you mind going over in the corner and disrobing?

I don't even know you.

Well, all of the other fellows are. Wouldn't you?

Okay.

In your mouth.

Open up. Open up.

What's your surname?

You talk backwards. You mean, "What's my name, sir?"

I said surname.

- Sir? - Yes.

Yes, what?

Yes, sir.

Oh, you don't have to talk so polite to me. No one ever does.

You can call me Melvin.

Melvin?

Melvin Jones.

Have you ever had erysipelas, appendicitis, mumps, whooping cough,

eye, ear, nose or throat trouble, hay fever?

Any illness other than those already noted?

That's all.

Hey! Where's my thermometer?

That was a thermometer? I thought it was a peppermint stick.

- Roger. Over and out. - Quiet!

Did you lose something?

No, but I think you did. Where's your heart?

You're the doctor.

Yes.

Be a good little boy now and tell the doctor where your heart is.

You find it. I'm no stool pigeon.

You're cold.

Cold. Getting warmer.

Here, I'll help you.

I don't like to worry you, son, but did you ever think of taking it easier?

You know, a thing...

There must be one someplace.

Finally found it. Running like a watch.

Gee, I wish they'd tell us if we passed.

Say, before they do, I'd like to get something off my chest.

Fellas, in the 11 times that I've tried to enlist,

I've never met a nicer bunch of men.

That goes for me, too.

Thanks to you, Al. Best of luck to youse.

I'm really sorry to have to leave,

except for you.

And I can say in all my Navy experience, I've never met a bigger fathead.

Why you, I...

Lardoski, recruiting officer wants to see you.

Right, Chief.

- Crowthers? - Well, this is it, fellas.

Yeah?

Congratulations. I've got good news for you.

They lowered the physical requirements in the past two weeks. You're in now.

In fact, you all made it.

They can't do this to me.

Why don't you write a letter to your congressman?

What good will that do?

No good, but you'll have a pen pal.

Lardoski, when we find someone in a group of recruits

who has the qualities of leadership, we put him in charge.

As a veteran who has decided to re-enlist,

you'll get your old rating back.

- Thank you, sir. - Oh, yes. Here are the records.

It's guys like that fathead Lardoski

that must've caused the physical requirements to be lowered.

Yeah, and I bet the Navy will get those brainy guys

to boss around the fatheads.

Boy, I'm gonna work real hard, too,

and I'm gonna try and get a commission.

And if I ever become a private, will I boss that Lardoski around.

Oh, no, I will.

I'll walk right up to him, I'll say, "You're a fathead."

And I'd say, "You're a stupid ox and you're..."

You're here!

Petty Officer Lardoski will take charge of this group.

You will take your orders from him.

Remember, men, you're in the Navy now.

Okay, men, two ranks through this door,

and I don't want no goldbricking.

Excuse me, handsome.

Where do you get that "handsome" stuff?

Didn't I hear the man call you a pretty officer?

He said, "Petty officer."

Okay, look alive, now. Get going. Keep moving.

What's the matter?

I'm seasick already.

Oh, come here.

Oh, boys.

Boys!

Come on. Come on.

Pardon me, gentlemen, but you are keeping the Navy waiting.

If you will kindly pass through the gates,

we'll try to make your life comfortable and cozy.

Come up and see us sometime.

Get going, you dumb clucks!

On the double. You're in the Navy now!

Step up. Right up here.

You're done.

- Hey, give me that. - Don't yell. I'm nervous.

- What do they want me here for? - They want a sample of your blood.

Who's giving samples?

Blood isn't dress goods. You say, "Snip off a swatch."

You wanna see if it matches the living room drapes.

Don't get excited.

Well, blood isn't orange juice. What do they wanna do, sample it?

And if they like it, come back tomorrow for two quarts?

They want a sample so they can type it.

They're not gonna type with my blood.