Red Dwarf

Initiating landing procedure. Everyone on standby.

Cabin crew, prepare for landing.

Security checks commencing. All personnel in position. Everyone returned from the rest room? Check.

All little tables folded away? Check.

Seat belts on? Check!

Winkers to shut down. Landing gear down. -Requesting landing line.

Suggest left-hand traffic pattern, sir, towards that landing light edifice at the end of the street.

Applying brakes now.

Velocity decreasing. Revs 2,000 and dwindling.

Pavement in sight. Landing lights locked.

Standby, we're attempting to stop. Good luck, everybody.

Handbrake engaging.

Ignition off.

Wow, we made a good landing!

Well done, everyone. OK, doors to manual. Check.

Disembark in your own time, gentlemen.

What sort of godforsaken place is this?

This is worse than Rimmer World.

Get out of town, this is brilliant! This is just like where I grew up, except there's less burning cars.

I'll find out where Mr Charles is from that information droid.

Salutations, fellow droid, sir.

I'm looking for the actor Craig Charles. Can you direct?

Perhaps it's overheated. Are you usually that red?

I'm going to place this instrument

into your voice unit and I want you to say "aah".

Hi, it's me. Where are you? 'In the Rovers, kid.Why?' -See you in a minute.

Seems to be some sort of malfunction, sirs.

Good grief!

Vandals have stolen the droid's entire hard drive and stuffed envelopes through its voice unit.

What kind of place is this?

Let's ask in the shop. Let me do the talking, sir.

I've been studying the dialect.

I'll wait outside, guard Carbug.

Earth, man. INHALES DEEPLY

Smell those chip butties.

Hiya, chuck, pal, love, sir. We're looking...

I mean, lewk-ing for granny-grabbing, philandering taxi driver Lloyd Mullaney,

as played by Craig Charles.

Um...I think he's in the Rovers, learning his lines.

Is this some sort of joke?

The Rovers? Well, I'll stand at the bottom of our stairs and eat a barn cake.

We were just past that, weren't we, lads?

Aye, we were, weren't we? What a load of numpties.

Get your keks on, lads, we're sorted. Quality. Mint.

Ta very much, chuck, pal, love, sir.

See ya. Ta-ra, pet.

Good job, chaps. We were so authentic it was frightening.

Oi! You'll never guess who I've just seen. All your mates from Red Dwarf.

They're outside. Serious?

Yeah. They've just landed in a little spaceship.

It was green. Um... What's it called?

Listen, mate, don't mess about. I've got loads of lines to learn. I've go a massive scene this afternoon.

But I'm serious. I know what I saw.

Even you were there. I was there?

How many have you had?

Well, I've had a couple, but listen, I've just seen you.

So high, ugly... It was definitely you.

Hi, guys. What are you doing here? Ah, Mr Charles, sir.

My name is Kryten.

I am a fictitious character from the television series Red Dwarf and we really need your help.

Told you.

You're the only one that can help us, man.

I've heard about these.

They're called flashbacks. Flashbacks...

I know you don't exist. OK, no need to rub it in!

Just give us the address of whoever created us and we'll jump into Starbug and be out of here.

Starbug?!

I just told you. They landed outside the Kabin.

That is OK? We're not going to get a ticket, are we?

You're not all here. I know you're not all here.

Er, he's not all here, but the rest of us are. Yeah.

You see, sir, we're from an alternate dimension

and we need answers, like, "How many episodes do we have left?"

Um, I know how many episodes you've got left.

How many? Er, one.

It's called Back To Earth - Part Three.

Script due in a couple of days. RUSTLING

All we need from you is an address, bud.

We've got to speak to our creator.

And I've got to get back to the Priory.

I am so glad I'm not him. The guy's a wreck. He pretends to be somebody else all day.

That's no way to make a living. Smeghead.

Visitors, sir.

I'm surprised you didn't find me sooner.

It's not an easy thing to find your creator.

And how can he assist you?

We want more life...

smegger!

A series cancellation sequence can't be revised once it's established.

What about all the loose ends?

Me and Kochanski? Getting back home?

I grew weary of you.

Does this mean this is our last episode, sir?

The light that burns twice as bright burns half as long.

Yeah, but the light that burns half as bright burns four times as long.

But the light that burns three-quarters as bright

burns five-eighths as long as the light that burns a quarter as bright as the light that's gone out.

(I'd have needed a calculator for that.)

The point is, gentlemen, you have all burned so very, very brightly

and for so very, very long.

Just like the red dwarf star itself,

nothing lasts forever.

Not even...

banks.

What about a Kryten spin-off series? I could be his sidekick. Or a sitcom!

I'd even do a sitcom. Anything... Anything to stay alive. What about a show about cats?

That would never work. Look, what you need is me and Kryten thrown back in time, like a new kind of Robin Hood.

Each week, he gets captured and is about to be burnt at the stake for witchcraft

or just having a stupid head, and each week I - in a different new,

brave new way - rescue him...bravely.

All right, it sucks. Fair enough.

Your deaths will be magnificent.

Sad and beautiful.

The shooting script.

Let me describe it for you.

You try to escape your destiny and run.

I give chase.

Move out of my way!

Move!

Move! Move! Out of my way!

Sad and beautiful.

Blade Runner is the film which inspired both your creation and your death. Gentlemen...

..time to die.

Come here! You'd kill me?!

You're damn right we would. You know how much you've made me suffer?

The life you created for me, all those cheap laughs.

All that stuff about Rachel the inflatable doll.

All the jokes about my puncture repair kit. Actually, that bit was funny.

Sorry, carry on.

Did you ever think how I felt? Start writing.

I save the day. I get a girlfriend who's gorgeous and crazy about me.

And before you even think of it, after we've bonked each other senseless,

she doesn't turn out to be my long-lost sister. Damn.

How did you know I was thinking that?

Because I know how you think.

Now write me a happy ending or we'll take you with us.

You can never win.

Accept it and die well.

If you kill me, you moron, you'll cease to exist.

Haven't you been following any of this? Aargh!

I've been dead for ages, man -

just sitting around, getting old and fat.

I never thought I had responsibility to anyone.

I never thought there was anyone out there who was on my side, who wanted things to work out.

We've got a fan club.

They've even named a TV station after me.

I was never alone, I just didn't realise it.

Now I want more life, smegger!

I've killed him.

Well, we shouldn't exist.