Californication - First Season

OK, big guy. You and me.

We've never done this before,

but, uh... desperate times call for desperate measures.

My name is Hank.

Hello, Hank.

Oh, I'm sorry, Sister.

I was just trying to have a little chat with your husband up there.

Is there something I can help you with?

No, I wouldn't want to bother a real, live person about it.

It wouldn't be a bother, Hank.

In fact, that's why I'm here.

Well... here's the thing.

I'm having what you might call a crisis of faith.

Put it simply, I can't write, which really kind of sucks

because I'm supposed to be a writer, and a professional one at that,

and I can't seem to be able to produce so much as a goddamn predicate.

Sorry. You know, my apologies.

I fucked up... Again, I apologise.

Well, normally I would suggest a bunch of Our Fathers

or a couple Hail Marys,

but I don't think that's gonna get it done.

What about a blow job?

Hmm?

A blow job. Would that make you feel any better?

A blow job from you?

Well, something tells me it's not gonna suck itself, Hank.

No, but... but you're a nun.

A totally fucking hot nun.

Sweet baby Jesus...

Hank is going to hell.

Bad dream?

Uh... yeah.

No... I mean...

It's hard to say, really.

Well, you drifted off, and I thought to myself,

"Self, what's the nicest possible way I can wake up Mr Hank here?"

Kudos to you, because you definitely stumbled upon one of the nicer ways.

Well, you're nice to me, I'm nice to you.

Yes, it's very quid pro quo.

- What does that mean? - Never mind.

My husband, um, never... has never given me an orgasm.

- Never? - Ever.

Does he, uh, you know, go downtown, tour the southland?

- Never. - Go under the hood?

Well, that's not true. Yes, he has.

But he made me take a shower first.

Oh.

And then he spent 45 minutes trying to find my clit.

How did he do?

I'm pretty sure he thinks it's on the bottom.

Near the vaganus?

That's weird.

Well... I can take a hint.

I just so happen to have my GPS with me.

I've stored it up my ass.

Hello.

Wow, yours is on the bottom.

I seem to have found something.

- Hey, what the fuck was that? - That would be my husband.

Oh, OK. Well, maybe I should hide under your clit.

- He'll never find me there. - (Man) Heather!

- I, uh... I think I should go. - (Man) Whose piece of shit is that?

All I need to do is, uh, find my pants. There's no pants anywhere?

What the fuck? It's not what you think.

- Whose pants are these? - They're yours, baby!

Where is he?

Motherfucker!

Yeah, you!

Oh, you got to be kidding me!

What, are you, like, 60 or something, bro?

Yo, K-Fed, the little man in the boat? He's up here.

That's where he is! Right here.

- Just let him go. - Are you kidding me?

- You guys work it out. - (Man) You're dead! You're dead, man!

God damn! What the fuck?

Son of a bitch!

What are you doing?

Ladies, Daddy's trying out a new look.

What do you think?

- Dad? - Yes?

Are you mentally insane?

Yes. But I'm extremely high-functioning.

He's much like a special-needs person that works at McDonald's.

I'm late, and I'm sorry, and I'm not wearing any pants,

but I would like to invite you two ladies to join me.

Take your pants off and come with me to the pants-off restaurant.

Sounds tempting.

But I've got plans, OK?

- Oh, must be date night. - Yeah.

- Come on, Mom. - Peanut, I can't.

But, you know... enjoy your daddy time.

Where's my kiss?

You're a really classy guy, Hank.

Oh, that's funny, coming from you and all.

So... who won that round?

Oh, it's not whether you win or lose.

It's how you play the game.

Looks like a fun game.

Do you think I made her laugh?

Sure. A little.

On the inside.

- Yellow Submarine? - Pirates.

Again?

Johnny Depp is hot.

I concur, but wouldn't you rather expand your cinematic horizons

and pick a film that's based on a piece of literature and not a theme-park ride?

Pirates it is. Why don't you try my room?

Yeah.

Hey, honey, I don't think I have any sushi takeout.

I've got the House of Chow, which is Chinese.

- Father? - Daughter?

- Can I ask you something? - Anything, my love.

Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom?

You wait... right there, OK?

There's no hair on her vagina.

Do you think she's OK?

I'll check.

What are you doing?

Oh, hi. I thought I'd surprise you.

- You surprised my daughter. - I'm so sorry.

I mean, really, I should have called, but...

- You know what? I'm sorry. - Really?

- Yes. - Oh, God.

Maybe we should think about cooling things off a little bit.

- Excuse me? - Or not.

Either way. I'm easy.

God, you are amazing, Hank.

You spent all this time sweet-talking me into the sack,

but, hey, now that you've exacted your revenge,

- you're done with me, right? - Revenge? What are you talking about?

Please do not make it like it wasn't the least bit satisfying to fuck the wife of the man

who turned your precious little book into a big, shitty movie.

Well, now that you put it that way...

What other way is there to put it, Hank?

Now that you put it that way, there is no other way to put it.

Shut up. God, just shut up.

And you know what? By the way... the truth is...

the movie is much better than the book.

OK, so, not only are you a cadaverous lay, you also have shitty taste in movies.

Oh, hi.

Thank you.

Cheers.

So... is this the new girlfriend?

... along the Israeli-Syrian border.

Initial reports claim Israeli jet fighters bombed a guerrilla base,

killing at least 49 soldiers and 13 civilians.

Hey.

A 49-year-old unidentified...

- I wish we could take him with us. - Yeah.

Why don't you get your stuff together, honey, OK?

- Don't yell at him. - I'm not gonna yell at him.

Much.

...any information that would help the investigation.

- Hank. - What?

Oh, I know that look.

That's the look that shrivels me testes.

12-year-old finds naked slut in dad's bedroom.

- Are you still feeling cute? - (Groans)

- Oh, she mentioned that, huh? - Yes, she mentioned that.

So... what? You're jealous?

What? You are so lucky that I don't take away the little custody you do have.

You know, Bill tried to convince...

You're getting legal advice from your boyfriend Bill, now? That's sweet.

Don't start, OK?

- You started when you cheated on me. - I did not cheat on you.

In what universe is fucking someone

when you're married to somebody else not cheating?

Oh, the one in which you were never actually married.

That is a bullshit technicality.

You never asked. You didn't want to be that guy. That's what I dug about you.

Imagine my fucking disappointment when you turn out to be the biggest cliché of all,

sitting there, googling yourself? I saw you.

I googled myself, but I never cheated on you, never.

Cheating isn't just about fucking someone, Hank.

I got a dictionary in there that will differ with you.

Bill and I didn't even touch each other until we were dead and buried.

OK, are you trying to make me throw up now?

You're out there sticking your dick in anything that moves,

trying to get back at me, which is fine.

Do you know what the worst thing is?

You're not writing.

You have this gift. You have this incredible talent.

And you're just flushing it down the toilet.

Maybe you're right.

No maybes. You are right.

I'm... I'm fucked up right now, and I...

I need help.

- (Sighs) - I do.