Clueless

Okay, you're probably going, "ls this a Noxzema commercial or what?"

But seriously, I actually have a way normal life for a teenage girl.

I get up, I brush my teeth, and I pick out my school clothes.

Daddy's a litigator. Those are the scariest kinds of lawyers.

Even Lucy, our maid, is terrified of him.

And Daddy's so good, he gets $500 an hour to fight with people.

He fights with me for free because I'm his daughter.

-Daddy. -Cher, please don't start

-with the juice again. -Daddy, you need your vitamin C.

Where's my briefcase?

lt's been a couple of months now, so l said we'd go out to Malibu.

Don't tell me those brain-dead lowlifes have been calling again.

They are your parents. And don't try sneaking out of the office.

Dr. Lovett's coming by to give you a flu shot.

Josh is in town, he's coming for dinner.

-Why? -He's your stepbrother.

You were hardly even married to his mother and that was five years ago.

-Why do l have to see Josh? -You divorce wives, not children.

-Here. -Forget it!

Did I show you the loqued-out jeep Daddy got me?

It's got four-wheel drive, dual side airbags, and a monster sound system.

I don't have a license yet, but I needed something to learn on.

Boy, they came out of nowhere.

Here's where Dionne lives.

She's my friend because we both know what it's like

to have people be jealous of us.

Dude!

Girlfriend!

And I must give her snaps for her courageous fashion efforts.

Hey, Cher.

Dionne and I were both named after great singers of the past

who now do infomercials.

So?

Go shopping with Dr. Seuss?

At least l wouldn't skin a collie to make my backpack.

lt's faux.

-Hello! That was a stop sign. -l totally paused.

Yeah. Okay.

lt's not even 8:30 and Murray is paging me.

-He is so possessive. -Tell me about it.

This weekend he called me and he's all, "Where were you?"

l'm like, "l'm at my grandmother's..."

Dionne and her boyfriend Murray are in this dramatic relationship.

I think they've seen that Ike and Tina Turner movie

just too many times.

Now I have to say to her...

De, why do you put up with it? You could do so much better.

l know. Here he comes.

Woman, why don't you be answering any of my pages?

-l hate when you call me "woman." -Where you been all weekend?

-You jeeping behind my back? -Jeeping?

Jeeping. Know what l'm saying?

No, but speaking of vehicular sex

perhaps you can explain how this cheap K-Mart hair extension

-got into the back seat of your car. -l don't know where that came from.

That looks like one of your little stringy things you got up in your hair.

l do not wear polyester hair, okay?

Unlike some people l know, like Shawana.

-De, l'm Audi. -Bye.

-Why do you gotta go there? -That's it! l've had it with you!

ls it that time of the month again?

I don't know why Dionne's going out with a high-school boy.

They're like dogs.

You have to clean them and feed them and...

They're just like these nervous creatures

that jump and slobber all over you.

Get off of me.

As if!

Should all oppressed people be allowed refuge in America?

Amber will take the con position. Cher will be pro.

Cher, two minutes.

So, okay.

Like right now, for example, the Haitians need to come to America.

But some people are all, "What about the strain on our resources?"

But it's like, when l had this garden party for my father's birthday, right?

l said RSVP because it was a sit-down dinner.

But people came that, like, did not RSVP. So, l was like totally bugging.

l had to haul ass to the kitchen, redistribute the food,

squish in extra place settings,

but by the end of the day it was, like, the more the merrier.

And so, if the government could just get to the kitchen,

rearrange some things, we could certainly party with the Haitians.

And in conclusion, may l please remind you

that it does not say "RSVP" on the Statue of Liberty.

Thank you very much.

Amber, a reply?

Mr. Hall, how can l answer that?

The topic is Haiti and she's talking about some little party.

Hello! lt was his 50th birthday.

Whatever. lf she doesn't do the assignment, l can't do mine.

Ladies.

So, does anyone have any further thoughts on Cher's oration?

Elton, comments?

Yeah, l can't find my Cranberries CD. l gotta go to the Quad

-before somebody snags it. -l'm afraid l can't permit that.

-Any further insights? -l had an insight, Mr. Hall.

l'm all ears.

Okay. Like, the way l feel about the Rolling Stones

is the way my kids are gonna feel about Nine lnch Nails,

so l really shouldn't torment my mom anymore, huh?

Yes. Well, it's a little off the subject of Haiti

but tolerance is always a good lesson.

-Thank you. -Even when it comes out of nowhere.

And with that in mind, l'm going to distribute your report cards.

Now, is there a Christian Stovitz in this class?

Mr. Hall, the buzz on Christian is that his parents have joint custody,

so he'll be spending one semester in Chicago and one semester here.

l think it is a travesty on the part of the legal profession.

Thank you for that perspective, Cher.

Now, could all conversations please come to a halt?

And could the suicide attempts

please be postponed till the next period?

Suddenly, a dark cloud settled over first period.

I got a C in Debate?

-De? -What's up?

-Did you get your report card? -Yeah. I'm toast. How did you do?

l totally choked. My father is gonna go ballistic on me.

Mr. Hall was way harsh.

He gave me a C-.

He gave me a C, which drags down my entire average.

-Bye. -l'll call you, okay?

Yeah.

Isn't my house classic?

The columns date all the way back to 1972.

Wasn't my mom a Betty? She died when I was just a baby,

a fluke accident during a routine liposuction.

I don't remember her, but I like to pretend she still watches over me.

Ma, 98 in Geometry. Pretty groovy, huh?

Yuck.

The maudlin music of the university station?

What is it about college and crybaby music?

Who's watching the galleria?

So, the flannel shirt deal,

is that a nod to the crispy Seattle weather

or you trying to stay warm in front of the refrigerator?

Oh, my, you're filling out there.

Wow. Your face is catching up with your mouth.

-l went by Dad's office. -He is not your dad.

Why don't you torture a new family?

Just because my mother married someone else

doesn't mean he's my father.

Actually, Kato, that's exactly what it means.

l hope you're not thinking of staying here.

-l sure want to. -l'm sure you do.

l got a place in Westwood near school.

Shouldn't you go to school on the East Coast?

l hear girls at NYU aren't at all particular.

You're funny.

What's your problem, Beavis?

...infantry furiously trading machine gun fire.

You just got here and already you're playing Couch Commando.

ln some parts of the universe, maybe not in Contempo Casual

but in some parts, it's considered cool to know what's going on in the world.

Thank you, Josh. l so need lessons from you on how to be cool.

Tell me that part about Kenny G again.

Come on, you chuckleheads, get in here.

Josh, are you still growing? You look taller than you did at Easter.

l don't think so.

-Doesn't he look bigger? -His head does.

Josh, have you given any thought to our little discussion

about corporate law?

Yeah, but l think l'd really like to check out environmental law.

What for? You want to have a miserable, frustrating life?

Josh will have that no matter what he does.

At least he knows what he wants to do

and he's in a good college. l'd like to see you have a little bit of direction.

-l have direction. -Yeah. Towards the mall.

Which reminds me, where's your report card?

-lt's not ready yet. -What do you mean, it's not ready yet?

Well, some teachers were trying to lowball me, Daddy.

And l know how you say never accept a first offer,

so l figure these grades are just a jumping off point to start negotiations.

Very good.

Whose is that?

De?

Hello? Yeah, Jake, what?

No, not the afternoon!

You are such a brownnoser.

And you are such a superficial space cadet.

What makes you think you'll get teachers to change your grades?

Only the fact that l've done it every other semester.

I told my P.E. teacher an evil male had broken my heart,

so she raised my C to a B.

-Miserable. -They're horrible.

-l can't eat, l can't sleep. -Don't feel bad. l know.

And you see, they're all like that.

Then I promised Miss Geist I'd start a letter-writing campaign

to my congressman about violations of the Clean Air Act.

But Mr. Hall was totally rigid.

He said my debates were unresearched

unstructured, and unconvincing.

As if!

I felt impotent and out of control, which I really hate.

I needed to find sanctuary in a place where I could gather my thoughts

and regain my strength.

Dude, what's wrong?

Are you suffering from buyer's remorse or something?

God, no, nothing like that. lt's just that

we've been shopping all day and l still don't know what to do about Mr. Hall.

l tried everything to convince him of my scholastic aptitude