Bad Biology

I was born with seven clits.

Well, seven that I know of.

Seven that I can feel and touch.

Seven separate clitorises,

each one constantly craving attention.

Actually, I'm pretty sure there are more than seven,

but the others are buried so deep inside

that only a doctor could find them.

And I'm sick of doctors.

Doctors probing, doctors touching,

doctors, doctors, doctors.

To some, I was a perfect example

of permanent sexual arousal syndrome,

but to most I was simply the girl with the crazy pussy.

Look at 'em.

Oblivious, completely unaware that

a genuine freak of nature sits among them.

And that's what I am, alright.

A mutant, a grotesque abomination,

a lovely little monstrosity.

Wait, wait.

Look at that bad boy swagger.

What you think, auto theft?

Sure.

Drug possession?

Assault, rape, murder, ah, that's where it gets interesting.

Got 'im.

Yeah, well it's not his IQ I'm after.

He's just meat to feed the hungry beast.

A beast so unique that I'm convinced

I'm my own species, a new species.

The doctors think I'm a genetic mistake,

but I believe I'm an evolutionary leap forward.

A female of the future who feeds on orgasms

the way you people devour burgers and fries.

By the way, I'm more than just a normal girl,

and sometimes, most times,

I wish I could find more than just a normal guy.

You need that pussy eaten?

Tell me about these.

See no evil, hear no evil, speak no evil?

Sully gave me that for witnessing him

kill somebody and not sayin' nothin'.

And this, that's the demon bitch that stole my heart.

You like that one?

Yeah.

Fuck the world?

That's how I'm gonna fuck you.

No, come inside me.

Why you dirty little cunt bitch whore.

I'm gonna come, I'm gonna come.

No, no, don't go there, just ignore it.

It's not what you think, it's not a real baby.

Real babies take nine months to grow,

mine take less than two hours,

which means my babies aren't real babies.

My babies are fake unfinished freak babies.

So just mind your own damn business and ignore it!

Usually, I try not to kill 'em,

but yeah, it happens now and then.

Sometimes things get too rough,

sometimes it's self defense,

and sometimes, sometimes I just go nuts, and why not?

I'm not looking for romance.

I just wanna good fuck,

then get out of my face and disappear.

No names, no cuddling, just bounce.

Especially when I'm knocked up,

which is also happening a little too much lately.

Then I just wanna find someplace private real fast,

deliver my little freak baby, and dump it somewhere.

Oh yeah, yeah, you're hot, you're really hot.

Come on, big daddy, show me what you got.

Yeah, you sexy bitch, look like you want it.

How much do you charge, you cheap slut?

Yeah, yeah, you big hunk of man!

Lick them lips!

Get 'em all wet.

Tell me where they've been.

Ooh, I love that ass!

Come on, baby, shake it for me.

Let me see what's under your hood!

I don't know, something's missing.

Give me the Maya with the 180 on it,

I wanna experiment a little.

I love a man in uniform!

Get the fuck outta my lot, you dizzy twat!

What the fuck is wrong with you?

You got no fucking respect.

Show no respect, you some kind of commie bitch or somethin'?

The morals are gone because of people like you.

Our country, we fight a war for hoes like you?

It's disrespect for the country,

disrespect for every fucking thing.

Cause you show no values.

Values the fucking toilet.

Get the fuck outta here!

Perfect, you can kill me now.

That's a wrap!

You know, you came this close,

this fucking close to meetin' the king of Nazareth.

Like it?

I don't know.

I got a whole album full.

Go ahead, take a look.

Hey Jen, I got this great location

for the Mass Appeal shoot.

It's this old 22 room mansion in Brooklyn.

It's sick!

Fatherman Preacher Divine used to own it.

You want me to make it happen?

It sounds good. Alright.

Holy shit.

I've never seen anything like these before.

It's my secret collection of erotic photos.

Sexy, yes?

These are more like scary.

It's a catalog of lovers,

each of 'em caught in the throes of passion.

Caught in their most intimate moments.

I call it fuck face.

These are, are really disturbing.

I mean I can't tell if they're having

the greatest orgasm of their life

or if they're being killed.

What's the difference?

I'm just surprised.

I mean, don't take this the wrong way or anything,

but I always took you for a lesbo.

Or one of those asexual never get laid types.

I mean, I've never even heard you talk about boys.

There's nothing to talk about.

They're just anonymous strangers I meet at night

in the bars, in the clubs, in the gutter.

I started menstruating when I was five,

and my periods have never been normal.

I bleed too much, and a five year old girl

with blood streaming down her legs

really freaked out my parents.

My eighth birthday coincided with a particularly bad period

and I lost 1/5 of all the blood in my body that day.

My horrified parents hospitalized me which is

when we all learned just how different I am.

Was it good for you too?

Among the many side effects of my mutant pussy's

hyper metabolism, my reproductive organs

function at an accelerated rate.

When I was a little girl before I even knew what sex was,

I used to walk around having multiple orgasms.

Eight years old, at school,

riding in my dad's station wagon, dinner with my family.

All I'd have to do is cross my legs a certain way,

bounce a little too much on my bicycle,

or just playing in the backyard

and I would come numerous times.

I used to think everyone got off a dozen times a day.

But as my vagina evolved, my body has gone into overdrive.

For instance, conceiving, going into labor,

and delivering a baby in under two hours

is something sort of new for me.

And something I initially found rather appalling.

I mean, I could always take the usual precautions,

but though I don't want any children,

especially any of my freak babies,

I love the feeling of something alive and kicking

and pushing it's way out of me.

Sometimes it's better than coming.

We all know the phrase nymphomaniac

is a pejorative term created by men

who are threatened by a woman's sexual freedom.

Men pride themselves on their own promiscuity

while women are punished for it

with labels like sluts, bitches, and hoes.

Well I'm all of that and more.

I may, in fact, be the world's only real life nymphomaniac.

However, and I know you'll find this hard to believe,

but I never had a man until two years ago.

Between doctors and my parents,

I grew up believing my cooch was something

so dirty and disgusting that no guy would ever want me.

All of which changed when I met Ryan.

I thought I loved him, I gave him my trust.

And when I told him about my strange little deformity,

he said all the right things.

Yeah, baby, you know you mean more

to me than any physical problem.

Can't let that get in our way.

You can't let anything get in our way.

Ain't no problem too big as long as we have each other.

And what we have here, baby, is something special.

So special I wanna spend the rest of my life with you.

I love your lips, I love your hair, I love your skin.

From the moment I wake up to the moment I go to sleep,

you're all I think of.

I'll do anything for you, baby, anything.

I wanna spend every moment making you feel good,

making you happy, protecting you.

You're everything to me, baby.

You give my life meaning.

This ain't about sex, it's about marriage and children,