The Good Wife

Okay.

This will mostly be about sex.

And I need to know if that will make anybody uncomfortable.

And it's okay if it does.

Believe me, this stuff makes me

feel wiggly.

That's what my mom used to call it: wiggly-toes.

This is a simple matter of contract law.

I'm sorry to refute the sexual tease of my opposing counsel,

but really what I need to know is: can you judge my client,

an independent business owner, fairly?

Sex outside of marriage...

sex with more than one person...

sexual bondage...

I'm sorry. I just... I keep imagining

- my parents listening to this. - Sure, I could be fair.

We business people all struggle with the same things

more or less. It doesn't matter if it's sex

or office supplies. Accepted.

If her business were dedicated to illegal or illicit activity,

would that change your mind?

Like what, prostitution? No.

is dedicated to connecting spouses who want to cheat.

Well, I know my wife won't approve,

but... everybody has to make a living.

I'm sorry, Your Honor,

I'd like to challenge this juror for cause.

There's no reason for cause, Your Honor... He's already stated his opinion...

No, no, no, I am not going to let this trial get out of hand.

I'll allow Mrs. Crozier's challenge for cause. It's "Miss" Crozier.

Oh, I'm sorry.

Miss? It's all right.

I am looking, if that's any consolation.

Uh, anyway...

I would agree with Mr. Gardner,

you're both arguing your case through voir dire,

which I strenuously disapprove of.

And Your Honor, I'd like to use, um, sexual images

from the Web site in trial. Come on, Your Honor.

She's turning this into a lawsuit about sex.

Oop, maybe it's just me, but this is a lawsuit about sex.

No, the husband

of your client used my client's Web site

to arrange a date, and wound up dead. That's all.

- Could've been a Web site about antiquing. - But it wasn't.

It was about infidelity. Your Honor,

then we would likewise like to introduce

the police murder investigation

into evidence. That investigation was inconclusive.

And how do we have access to this?

30-year-old Sean Briglio.

Found in Room 606 of the St. Martin Hotel.

Handcuffed. Ball gag in his mouth.

And his penis severed from his body.

Yes, it's making me wince even just talking about it.

The... severed member was found in the ice bucket.

You're kidding. No.

On ice with the champagne.

There's probably a joke to be made about shrinkage,

but I won't go there.

I think you just did. The date

he arranged on your client's lovely Web site,

was with a "Cynthia R."

Okay. That's a made-up name.

And her handle was "PrettiSpecial9."

Traced that IP address to a Copycrater in Winnetka.

Trail ran cold there.

Checked his other earlier dates.

All had alibis.

It's still an open investigation.

Like Jimmy Hoffa, huh?

I would imagine if Jimmy Hoffa's penis was found

in a hotel ice bucket,

Chicago's finest would be looking just as hard

for his killer. But we are trying to

connect this homicide to another female suspect in Texas.

Also a castrator.

Thanks, Cary. Always a pleasure.

Hey...

I'm staying put.

You're staying put?

Where?

Here.

Oh, Peter Florrick wants you?

Yeah, isn't that odd? I would've thought

my competition with his wife would've made me

persona non grata. Yeah, I would've thought so, too.

He doesn't seem to care

that Alicia and I aren't on the best of terms.

Read into that what you will.

Okay.

This is a monastery, Alicia.

I am a priest.

Whatever you tell me does not leave here.

It's not altruism; it's pragmatism.

I only have a practice if I'm discreet.

I am separating from my husband.

These notes are for me. I keep them under lock and key.

So, you're looking for

a divorce lawyer?

No. Uh, we-we're separating.

But you will divorce?

I don't know... yet.

I haven't decided yet.

You're worried about it going public? Yes.

I want to know how to protect myself. Financially?

Yes. Is there anything I should be doing?

What is your husband's income over the past two years?

Negligible. I've been the supporter.

And he's one month away from becoming State's Attorney.

That's $220,000 a year.

You'd actually be better off

waiting till next year to divorce.

David, let's forget this.

Yeah, what?

Okay.

Uh, you're needed upstairs.

Alicia, I don't know your personal situation.

Frankly, I don't want to know.

My tolerance for mess is minimal.

But I can tell you this: you are like me.

You like plans.

You like lists.

So make a list of your income,

your expenses and his,

and all relevant tax returns.

Bring it to me, and I'll make you a list

of everything you need to do

to protect yourself. Okay? Within the firm, we can call it

"The Cole Divorce."

Something I asked you to work on with me.

Okay.

Thanks.

Oh, no. No thanks.

Uh, you're paying me now.

That was one billable hour.

I round up.

Well, the bottom line is, it's a cold case--

a year-old unsolved homicide.

Now the police suspect that the victim was picked up

but there's no proof.

So our best defense is to play into

that ambiguity. How can our client's Web site be responsible

if the police haven't absolutely concluded it's from her site?

Oh, Alicia, good.

We're going to trial on SideEncounters,

and we need you to take on a more prominent role.

We didn't get the jury we wanted.

And our client's product isn't the most sympathetic.

The opposing attorney is playing up the sex and infidelity angle,

so we need you to take first chair.

Because my husband cheated on me?

Well, yes. It might work on the jurors who recognize you.

You all right with that? Sure.

They're going to want to use you

as a punching bag, so we need to limit your time in court.

Also, we need some more sessions of witness prep.

You're their biggest witness.

They're going to want to put you on the stand.

'Cause I'm unsympathetic.

Yes.

And you're supposed to rub off on me?

The jury sees you being friendly to me,

and they think I must be...

tolerable?

Well, I hope a little more than tolerable, but yes.

Funny, I think of myself as very sympathetic.

Well, you're not on the jury.

Also, we need to talk about your posture towards the widow,

the woman who's suing you.

Do you feel bad for her?

I do. I feel bad that her husband's dead.

I don't think she's suing me 'cause he's dead;

I think she's suing me because he used my Web site

to cheat, and for that she blames me.

And you don't think she should blame you?

You blame the beer for the DUI?

No, but I might blame the bartender.

I thought you were on my side.

I am on your side.

But the best way to be on your side

is to see how the other side thinks.

That's what lawyers do.

That's how I do it.

You know there's a porn movie about you?

No, I didn't know that.

There's a porn movie about you.

And all the wives standing by their husbands.

It's a trilogy, actually. It's like Lord of the Rings.

There seems to be

- a whole subdivision of erotica devoted to devoted wives. - Good to know.

I hope you're not offended. Men masturbate

to the thought of you.

It's almost an honor when you think of it.

No, even when I think of it, it's not an honor.

Good work. Wait.

Alicia, I don't want to lose my husband and my kids' money.

How many kids do you have? Three.

Good! I can build on that.

Really? One of them has a bucktooth. It's adorable.