Boys on the Side

Thank you.

I'm Jane Deluca. This is Johnny Figgis and our band.

-I gotta go take a leak, babe. -Bye.

-Did you see that bitch, man? -Fuck her.

-I'm going to fuck her. -Wait. Jane. Jane.

-Girl, that man is so fine. -Yeah, actually, he is.

-Is this your first date? -Do you need to clear or something?

You can go ahead and take everything. Just leave us the glasses. Thanks.

No, no, I was the singer up there. You didn't see me?

I was, like, signaling and going like this to you.

-What are you talking about? -You don't know? Oh, baby.

You had the biggest, greenest thing hanging out of your nose.

-I kept going like this. -You could see it from up there?

Baby, it looked like Gumby doing Tarzan.

-It was huge. -Oh, my God. All right.

You blew my rep, man.

I invite this important A&R guy down, and you fucked me.

Know what? You're out of here. You're canceled. Forget it.

-You can't-- Hey, wait. -Wait for what? Till you learn to sing?

What's up with him? What did he want?

You wanna know what's up with him? That son of a bitch just fucked us.

You know, this town is dead for me anyway.

We've got that gig in L.A. We'll just leave early.

Maybe this is trying to tell us something.

It's telling us we're fired. That's what it's telling us.

Well, no, not just this.

-Maybe L.A. is not the answer to our problems. -Well, what does that mean?

Well, Tommy hooked me with some studio work in the city.

It's good money. It's in the city.

And I gotta think of Debbie here, you know?

Debbie? Isn't that the little girl in Queens who sets her hair every day?

This is suddenly a factor?

Get the fuck out of the way!

You get the fuck out of my way, you understand?

Go back to Pakistan.

Look, I gotta be realistic here, all right? I mean, I gotta look ahead.

How long you been doing this shit? Seventeen years?

-Look. -Look what? Look what?

-I don't want that to happen to me. Okay? -You should be so lucky.

Hey, I got priorities here, you know?

You know, she's holding you back, man.

I mean, everybody says it. She's like Yoko with bangs.

They don't say she's holding me back, okay?

Look, all I'm saying is, don't go to L.A., all right?

Even if you don't got shit going on here, you got voice-over--

Let me tell you something. You stay here.

You stay here and you play Daddy, okay? I'm gone.

Jane.

So that was in '78, right?

I was supposed to be the new Aretha, but the old Aretha was the new Aretha...

...and I wasn't either one. I was something nobody'd seen.

-Sure. -So I'm getting the fuck out.

-Can I get some French fries? -Coming right up.

You know, head down to L.A., get some gigs going, get that heat happening.

That's perfect, because I can drop you there and then head on to San Diego on my own.

Great.

-You know, I used to sing too. -Oh, really?

Nothing professional. Mostly amateur talent competitions.

-What, like Star Search? -Sort of.

Only I never made it that far. I played the piano and sang.

What did you sing?

"Way Over Yonder," Carole King. "Close to You," Carpenters.

-It was the '70s. -"Close to You"?

Yeah, you know.

"Why do birds suddenly appear every time you are near?"

No, no, I know. I know.

-Why San Diego? -Well, why not?

-Here you go. -I'm in real estate.

And right now the market is just unbelievably bad.

And I think sometimes you have to make a change.

You have to take control and say, "Things are gonna be different.

I can make them different if I believe it in my heart."

Hey, fuck Star Search. You should have been Miss America.

-Okay, bring it on up. -Bring it up.

More. Good.

I hope you don't mind my mentioning this. No smoking in the car.

What do you mean, no smoking?

-No smoking in the car. -Whatsoever?

I'm going uptown. Can I give you a lift?

-Taxi! -No, I have a car.

-One in which I smoke-- -What do you think? I think it could work.

I'll let you know in a couple of days.

Because I really need to leave as soon as possible.

And I just don't wanna do it alone. I don't think that'd be safe.

And you were the first person that answered the ad.

I think that's a sign of something. And I think you'd be fine.

I mean, I think our personalities would mesh.

Look, Robin, right? You're a nice lady...

...and I'm sure there's a lot of things about yourself you just can't help...

...and I understand that, but I don't fucking think we mesh at all.

I'm sure somebody out there wants to go cross-country...

...with the whitest woman on earth...

...singing Carpenter songs and reliving childhood memories.

But it ain't me. Hey, that's my car, man!

Hey, that's my--! Hey. That's my car.

That's gonna cost at least $200 to get your car back.

Okay, Jane, good luck in L.A., man. Earthquake. Fire. Riots.

They got some real crazy bastards out in California.

I don't know why you wanna go out there anyway.

Careful. Easy, easy with that piano.

Good morning.

Listen, I have a friend in Pittsburgh.

-Do you mind if we stop and take her to lunch? -Oh, absolutely, no problem. Deal.

Smile.

My brother threw up right here, near Exit 7. I remember, we pulled over.

How come he's not making this trek with you down memory lane?

Or does he have a life?

He doesn't. As a matter of fact, he died of cancer when he was 6.

Oh, man, I'm sorry. I'm sorry.

Would you mind if I used your headphones?

-No, go ahead. -Thank you.

Hi. You've reached Nick and Holly. Leave a message--

There's a sick lady in the bathroom.

-Is she with somebody here? -She's outside.

-Is that your friend in the bathroom? -Yeah.

Girl, you better get in there. She in there throwing up.

Thanks.

Are you all right?

That stupid woman. I told her I was fine.

-You look like shit. -Thank you.

Allergies. I have allergies.

They come and go. Sometimes I think it's all in my head.

Do you ever knock?

Not in a public toilet, no.

I'm really sorry.

It's probably because I brought your brother up.

Oh, no, no, it's not. I'm fine.

I'll be fine if we just keep moving. It's nothing.

You smell like an ashtray.

I'm gonna go down to L.A. and see what I can find.

We're gonna go past-- What?

Are you getting HBO?

We're supposed to get HBO, and it's not on mine.

-I don't know. I'm on the phone here. -I'm sorry.

No, come in and check.

Come in.

Yes, I'm on my way to L.A. You know, I thought I'd stop by and see you.

No, no, I said Tuesday or Wednesday. Are you okay?

No, it's just....

All right, no, I'll wait.

The Way We Were is on.

Robert Redford? Barbra Streisand? The Way We Were.

I don't get out much.

It was 20 years ago.

Oh, great, you got it.

-Do you mind? -No, please, please.

No, I'm here.

No, I figured we'd come by tomorrow around noon.

Are you okay? I mean, is it Nick?

No. Fine, fine. All right.

Yeah, no, I'll see you then. Goodbye.

Damn.

-Is that your friend in Pittsburgh? -Yeah, if she is still my friend.

That's nice. I don't really have any girlfriends.

My mom always felt, you know, you can't trust women.

I don't know about that.

Oh, come on.

Men know all about PMS. Somebody talked.

Your girl is lovely, Hubbell.

Why don't you bring her for a drink when you come?

I can't.

I know.

That-- That kills me.

The way she, like, brushes his hair off his forehead.

Really gets me.

So, well, which one of them were you?

The one who loved too much or the one who loved too little?

Neither.

I'm the one who spent three years at happy hour...

...and never went home with anybody except the bartender.

-Well, the bartender's somebody. -Yeah.

He was somebody, all right.

I don't know.

I don't know about men.

I just don't get it.

Maybe you're not into them.

You mean...?

-No. -What do you mean, no?

I think I scare them away because I know what I want.

Oh, well, tell me, what do you want?

It's not very liberated, I know.

I want a husband with a decent job.

You know?

And I want two kids, a boy and a girl...

...in that order...

...and a saltbox colonial with three bedrooms...

...a sun porch, a stairway with a white banister and a convertible den.

You could have been Donna Reed in another life.

-Anyway, I didn't get it. -It's all right. There's always time.

Yeah.

Is that why you left New York? Because that bartender did you wrong?

Something like that.

Eight o'clock tomorrow, okay? If you wanna get to Pittsburgh by 12.

-Good night. -Good night.

Thanks for the movie.

So I looked around, got into real estate.

That's where the performing really paid off.

Sizing up situations, handling people...

...getting what you want from them without them really knowing.

-You know, control. -Don't worry. You don't have to come in.