Red Dwarf

Okay. Five-card draw poker.

You in, Cincinnati?

Of course he's in.

Come on, Rimmer. Deal the cards.

Matchsticks, nothing more.

If you think you're winning my back issues

of Morris Dancer Monthly, you've got another think coming.

Here we go!

One, two, three, four, five.

Let's see what we got!

Where are our cards?

You ain't getting any.

Without cards, we can't win.

Exactly.

What kind of game is that?

A good game!

A game I'm gonna win.

Look, let's try it another way

so that we all get five cards

and we all get a chance to win.

You might just enjoy it.

How many cards you wanna change?

None! Are you crazy?

You've got a really good hand, right?

How did you know?

- Have you never heard of a poker face? - Huh?

You get your cards and you look at them like this...

and you don't give anything away.

All right? Let's try it again.

How many cards do you wanna change?

Five!

- - Sirs, we're picking up an SSL.

It's in the neighbouring vector.

Okay. Start her up.

As silky as the first day we got her.

Moon base coming up on our starboard side.

What is this place, Krytes?

Mm, according to the ident,

it's a United America scientific research station.

- United America? Who's that? - Well, at the end of the 23rd century,

America attempted to bring peace to the world

by asking every nation on Earth to sign a peace treaty.

Any nation that refused, they invaded.

Now, a war ensued that was called the War Against War.

Those countries who went to war because they were so against war,

they were prepared to go to war to fight in a war against war,

called themselves United America.

But why would these United America Johnnies

want to build a research station way out here?

By the looks of their manifest, they're loaded with tech.

Maybe we can finally fix Starbug's thruster.

I'm sick of always having to turn left.

Alrighty. Bringing her in.

There's a sandstorm coming in; 18 on the Newton scale.

Looks we're going to be stuck here for a while.

Any idea what they did here, Krytes?

Well, it appears they were testing a cure for evil, sir.

Evil? But you can't cure evil, that's ridiculous.

What did they do, hand out tubes of evil ointment?

"Gently rub into your frontal lobes when feeling psychotic."

To be honest, I've never really believed in evil.

You should try inhaling your socks sometimes!

Well, Okay.

Some people do terrible things, but not because they're evil.

It's 'cause they're mentally bonkers.

I never realised you read up on the subject, Listy.

"Mentally bonkers"? I'm struggling a bit to keep up here.

You mean, they're psychopaths.

Well, not all psychopaths kill, of course, sir.

They don't?

Most psychopaths lack empathy for others and have no remorse,

but, as a rule, they don't actually physically harm anyone.

So, what do they do, then?

Well, many go into banking.

Many others are CEOs, businessmen, lawyers, even politicians.

Ruthless men and women drawn to positions of power

and the reward that brings.

This evil cure, Kryten, any idea who they tested it on?

You think there might be wall-to-wall crazies in here,

running around rioting, screaming and stabbing people?

You make it sound like my old school!

I want all the bazookoids' safeties off, ready to fire.

All the bazookoids are back on Red Dwarf, sir.

Have we got any guns with us?

Just your staple gun, sir.

Fill her up.

Hey, cryobooths.

Look at this.

"Vlad The Impaler, cured."

"Josef Stalin, cured."

"Messalina, cured."

"Adolf Hitler, cured"?

"Rupert Murdoch.

"Not responding to treatment."

Hitler? Isn't he dead?

I thought he died playing golf.

He was in Berlin, you goit, in a bunker.

He poisoned his partner and shot himself.

Ha, golf can do that to you!

All these people are from ancient history.

Where did they get them from?

It appears they tracked down their descendants

and then, with DNA regression technology,

travelled back down the ancestral line

via their mitochondrial DNA

and recreated them.

But Hitler didn't have any kids. His ancestral line died with him.

I read this conspiracy book once and it proposed the theory that

at the end of the Second World War,

Hitler killed his wife and his body double to make it look

as if he'd committed suicide.

Then, he snuck off to Argentina in a stolen U-boat

with art treasures looted from the museums of Europe.

Hitler, the more you hear about that guy...

The story went that when he reached Argentina, he had kids there.

Well, there's a long-held belief

that memories are indeed encoded in DNA, sir,

and passed down the ancestral line.

It explains why humans have seemingly inexplicable phobias.

- Like? - Fear of rats, for example.

Fear of rats, descendants beware; they spread bubonic plague.

- Precisely. - Fear of clowns.

Descendants beware of weird-looking children's entertainers,

they can be really dodgy!

So, who's this Messalina?

The third wife of the Roman Emperor Claudius,

possibly the most depraved, brutal

and murderous nymphomaniac in history.

Not all bad, then.

These are some of the most damaged and deranged humans who ever lived.

They're worse than the 1970s Leeds United team.

So, how did they cure these people?

In people labelled evil,

a misfiring gene has often turned empathy off.

So, they can just flick it back on like a light switch?

- As easy as that? - Hey, light switches can be tricky.

I don't always get them first time.

There's another cryobooth here.

Professor Shawl Telford.

Maybe he can help us?

I suggest we release the professor

and ask him if they have the tech here to repair the thruster.

Hey, this one is empty.

Indeed it is.

Good day, gentlemen.

Your arrival here

automatically triggered the cryobooths to release mode.

Wait, when you said we automatically triggered the cryobooths,

did you mean all the cryobooths?

You have nothing to fear.

My patients have been cured for many centuries.

Come, join us for lunch.

Let me introduce you.

Josef Stalin.

Idiots, erm... call me Joe.

Adolf Hitler.

Please, call me Dolfy.

No "mein fuhrers", that's the old me.

Messalina.

Call me, er, any time.

She is such a joker.

It is so lovely for us to have guests.

Some wine? Let me be mutter.

Now, appetisers.

Pumpernickel canapes, we just got them out of cryo.

I made them myself.

Dragon fruit?

Ha-ha-ha-ha! It's a keeper.

Oh, and you must try his puddings.

Dolfy makes the most divine choux pastry.

Messy, please, you're embarrassing me. She's terrible.

Oh, sorry I'm late.

May I sit here?

Sure.

I'm Vlad The Impaler.

Ah! Are you on your own, or is there a Mrs The Impaler?

What about all the other scientists?

I mean, surely you weren't here on your own?

Well, many years ago, they sent a special task force to eliminate us,

but with our pooled skills, we managed to survive.

Why would they try to eliminate you?

A cure for evil would mean an end to war.

An end to war would mean no arms industry.

Which would mean trillions of lost dollar/pounds.

The First World economy would slump.

The Second and Third World economy would boom.

There would be no one to exploit.

Society wouldn't work any more.

Yes, they couldn't allow the end of evil to happen.

So, they marooned us here

with no hope of getting back to Earth.

But enough!

Let us eat. There is much to do.

After lunch, we must show you our engineering department.

In the meantime, a toast.

To new friends.

New friends.

New friends.

Selfie!

Tea? Or as you English say,