Rick and Morty

It came as a shock to many...

But with the power vacuum left by the heartless

consumption of our dictator,

we shall impose even more Draconian cookie law,

one be-cookieing at a time!

Hah!

Oh, thank you!

They took power immediately after you and your grandpa left.

Err sorry about that, Rick doesn't really do

'transition plans,' I-I think he was just hungry.

Well, now with you here, perhaps a new system of government?

King Morty --Sorry, look I gotta run,

I-I'm sure you guys'll figure it out,

I-I believe in you!

Morty! Can you help us with this UFO-shaped hole?

Sure, geez, but y'know only because

I was in the neighborhood.

Morty, thank God!

The beast emerged right after your grandpa left

and its gem went missing --Geez, that is a crazy coincidence

that I-I if I were you, probably just best left alone.

He's right. We-We should celebrate.

Feast? No time.

S-S-Sounds pretty classic though,

don't let me hold you up!

Son of a bitch. He marked it.

Ah!

Phew.

Hah.

What the --

Hey, what the hell?

Agh! Jesus!

You got some of that green stuff on you too, huh?

Th-Th-This is bad. Th-This is really bad.

Hey, how do you think I feel?

I had the ultimate stash hole and now I got a kid in my thigh.

Look, you seem like a perfectly nice guy in my hand hole,

but if I can't sort this out I'm dead --

What the hell, dude? Gross.

I-I-I was just trying to... You're just trying to what?

Where'd this stuff come from?

Garbage Goober, get out here and eat this garbage.

Mmm, trash, I love trash, yum yum trash,

I wanna eat trash --Hell yeah, I love that lil guy.

Wait a minute.

Is that Mountain Dew in my quantum transport solution?

I-I saw you were marking the levels

so I-I had to top it off."Top it off?"

Do you know how dangerously toxic this stuff is?

And you added it to my portal fluid?!

Only because you don't trust me!

Oh, that's great logic, Morty --

forgive me for not doing the kissy chef gesture

since you probably spilled this shit everywhere

and I don't want to teleport my lips.

I did I did not spill it!

I won't take your word for that and I shouldn't have to,

which is why I have sidekick rules.

If you can't follow them --

I can be replaced, yeah, yeah, so you keep telling me.

Excuse me? Did you just try to call my bluff?

Have you ever seen me bluff?

Fine. You know what, replace me!

Replace me, Rick! Just do it.

Good luck finding someone that can be told

80 thousand times how replaceable they are!

Okay. I'll see your bluff call and raise you reality.

I can't pretend I haven't been looking forward to this.

Behold my Wheel of Better Things Than Morty.

Wh-What are you eight? I-Is this macaroni art?

You expect me to believe you built this

because you don't care?

No, I built this because I don't expect shit from you.

Come on, anything!

Anything but Morty, let's go!

Come on baby, no whammies!

Duh-duh-duh-duh stop!

Okay, that's it. Two crows.

-You're fired! -You know what? Eat shit.

You're just trying to make me feel worthless.

I never said you're worthless.

In fact, I've given you a very

Two crows.

Man, that is not a healthy relationship.

I hope you don't mind me eavesdropping.

Maybe we can figure out some sort of

sound-proof bandage solution.

Hey did Garbage Goober eat my porno magazines?

So, were you like, a friend of Rick's?

-Were you? -Good question.

W-What's he doing, i-is he out there making sure

you see him collecting two crows?

And now you're thinking, gee, maybe if he cares enough

to hurt me this bad...

dot dot dot.

Break the cycle, Morty.

Change the things that you can change.

That's what I did. And now I'm free.

Only cramming six years into six minutes, fellas.

Take your time!

Now that's what I'm talking about!

If ya nail this next one, I've got bird quaaludes.

And I might even share.

Y-You know you can stop doing that for my benefit.

Y'know or-or keep doing it. Doesn't matter. I'm out.

-I'm walking away. -Wait. Morty. Don't go.

Not until you see this!

Commence bird on a wire!

Yeeeeaaaahhhhh!

Jerk.

Hey, let's hang out.

We're like brothers now, we both got away y'know,

w-where are you at?

Ooh, you know what, shoot, can't.

I'm an alien, um, so --That's okay,

Rick turned my bike into a spaceship

for "solo adventures" like picking up

his Venusian foot ointment.

God I'm seeing it so clearly now.

Oh. Wait. I-It says here you're on Earth.

Yeah. Ah. Don't come here. Why not?

Look, I-I get it, my room is sometimes messy too,

I'll-I'll pick you up right outside your...

-...mental asylum. -Busted.

You literally said "I'm free."

I'm literally not free.

Stop! That's my blanket!

How do you know Rick?

Look I came to your place with him one night

after the bar closed.

I started messing around in your garage

and I spilled that portal stuff on me and he...

kind of launched me to Australia...

like with this weirdly primitive catapult, but --

but the ammunition is an airtight carbon chamber,

yeah, that-that -- that's how we lost our cable guy.

Anyways, that kind of experience shakes you up.

So, sorry I misled you, have a nice life.

Nick. You got a visitor.

Damn, what happened to you?

The guards like to beat us on Sundays.

Still better -than Mondays. -Geez, what happens then?

They lick our faces when we're tied down.

-Plus it's meat loaf day. -Well...

-you're leaving now, buddy. -Whoa, whoa, whoa!

I-I swiped 'em off the guard on my way in.

I-I mean, sure, yeah, I could undo my lock, but then what?

After the smartest guy in the world's done with ya,

it's kinda hard to find a footing again.

That's why I need to get you out of here.

We're not the problem, he is.

And if you can have a fresh start, then maybe I can too.

It's not like it's a prison break.

We're just leaving, like, a hospital

that wants to help you extra bad.

Follow me!

Hey get back here, you better open this door!

I can fly! Keep running, Nick.

The more you sweat, the saltier your cheeks.

-Lick this! -Thanks, Morty.

That dude's got a tongue like a cat.

Stop those Portal Boys!

Did you hear that? That's gonna stick!

Damn. Just like Jackie Chan!

Hah! I guess that makes me Chris Tucker.

I-I guess?

Gonna get you!

Holy shit! Did you see that?

I mean you blinded a guy with puke!

Oh, it was insane.

-Gimme dap. -Am I doing it right?

D-D-Did I give you a dap yet?

Look at us. We got out.

And not just from the asylum but from Rick.

You get to say what an adventure is now.

You still got that list?

Dude, we can't do that stuff without Rick's tech.

Then it's time the Portal Boys get themselves a portal gun.

Remember your training, crows.

The idol should be around that corner!

Do you guys just follow training when you feel like it?

That's not being trained, that's being dicks.

Ah, now I see. The real treasure is empathy.

And that's worth way more than any knick-knack.

You guys just earned yourselves another adventure!

The adventure is, you're fired.

Sorry, guys, if I wanted another bleeding heart,

I'd inject reanimator serum into an actual bleeding heart.

Relax, this is an avian planet

with 40 million species of bird,

even one day of working under me

will make you apex geniuses down there.

Now hop into these pneumatic canisters

they used to use at bank drive-thrus in the '70s.

What the... Hey! Who's tractor beaming me?!

Nobody tractor beams me --

Nobody descrambles my tractor beam scrambler to boot.

Sorry for the tractor beaming,

but did you lose these two crows?

Oh, uh, yeah, no I-I dropped 'em off 'cause