The Private Life of Henry VIII

- So that's the king's bed! - Yes.

And he's not long left it. Feel!

- - Ooh!

- I wonder what he looks like in bed. - You'll never know.

Well, you needn't be spiteful about it. Need she, Mistress Nurse?

No, my dear. And you've as good a chance as anyone else...

if the king's in one of his merry moods.

Oh, I never meant-I never thought-.

- Didn't you, darling? -

Now, ladies, you're not here to quarrel but to get busy with your needles.

Now all these A's have got to come out and J's go in.

On.

That's it.

- There you are. Hurry, hurry, ladies. -

Anne Boleyn dies this morning.

Jane Seymour takes her place tonight.

What luck.

For which of them? I wonder.

- Here I am, darlings! - Come along. Sit down.

Oh, thank you!

Oh, poor Anne Boleyn.

- I do feel so sorry for her. -

Excuse me, madam. Do you mind taking off your hat?

We can't see the block.

Thank you so much.

Anne Boleyn. Was she guilty, do you think?

- All her lovers confessed. - Under torture.

She was as innocent as you or I.

Thanks for the compliment.

She dies so that the king may be free to marry Jane Seymour.

Yes. That's what they mean when they say, “Chop and change.”

Oh, don't, girls. It's no jesting matter.

The other mirror, please, Lady Marbury.

Will the net hold my hair together when-

when my head falls?

Yes, madam.

Isn't it a pity to lose a head like this?

Still, they will easily find a nickname for me.

Among the queens of England I shall be “Anne sans tête.”

That means “Anne who lost her head.”

Ah.

There is a blade for you. Fit for a king.

Or in this case, a queen. N'est-ce pas?

- Not fit for our queen. - No? Why not?

She's an English queen, ain't she?

Well, what's wrong with English steel?

And come to that, what's wrong with an English headsman?

Ah. Meaning yourself?

Why not?

I was good enough to knock off the queen's five lovers, wasn't I?

Why'd they want you?

A Frenchman from Calais!

- I will tell you! - No!

I'm telling you.

It's a crying shame...

with half the English executioners out of work as it is.

And why are they out of work?

Because they are only fit to sever the bull necks of their countrymen...

with a butcher's cleaver.

But a woman's neck, a queen's neck-.

That calls for finesse, for delicacy...

for chivalry.

In one word, a Frenchman.

I could think of another word.

Jane Seymour, of all people. Whatever could the king see in her?

Oh, she's very sweet.

Yes, but does the king like honey with his milk and water?

- - Listen!

- Wasn't that the gun? - What gun?

Will there be a gun fired?

When Anne Boleyn's head falls, a gun is to be fired from the tower...

another from Westminster, and a third from Richmond...

so that the king may know the moment he's free to marry Jane.

What a pretty arrangement. The joint goes out, and bang-the sweets come in.

- Oh, Katherine! - Oh, well, if the king were not a king, what would you call him?

- What would you call him? - I'll tell you.

No. Tell me.

If I were not a king, what then?

All right, ladies.

Come here!

Look at me. What would you call me?

I should call you, Your Majesty...

a man.

Ha! So I am and glad of it.

And you may be glad of it, too, one day.

Blushing? She must be new to the court.

- What's your name, wench? - Katherine Howard.

If it please Your Majesty.

It does, Katherine!

It does.

- What's that noise? - The crowd, madam.

Just like my wedding day.

Cromwell, if England were as rich as Portugal or as big as Spain, you might be right.

But this little island of three million souls is no match for all Europe.

- All Europe? - Yes!

If those French and Germans stop cutting each other's throats, what's to stop them cutting ours?

A wise diplomacy, sire.

Diplomacy! Diplomacy, me foot!

I'm an Englishman. I can't say one thing and mean another.

What I can do is to build ships, ships and then more ships.

- You mean, double the fleet? - Triple it!

Fortify Dover. Rule the sea.

To do this will cost us money, sire.

To leave it undone will cost us England.

- -

Thomas Culpeper!

Will you see what's become of the queen?

A gun will be fired from the tower, Your Majesty.

Yes! I did not mean-.

Will you see if the Lady Jane is ready?

- And now the headdress, madam. - Oh, yes.

Now, which one shall I wear? The velvet coif or the pearl chaplet?

- Oh, the chaplet. Wear the chaplet. -

The king wishes to know whether you are ready, madam.

Oh, but I don't know whether to wear the pearls or the-.

Oh, of course. I'll ask the king.

With a strong port in Dover and a strong fleet in the channel...

we can laugh in their faces.

But it's the money! The money! We must have the-

Henry!

Softly, sweetheart. We have affairs of state here.

Oh, but, darling...

this is really important.

Henry. Henry, which one shall I wear?

My Lord Archbishop, will you await us in the chapel?

Henry.

You haven't said a word about my wedding dress.

Don't you love it?

Twenty-one little buttons.

One for every year of my life.

- Don't you love the back? - The back? Marvelous!

Do be serious. Which of these?

Pearls for a pearl. Now run along, my sweet, and put them on.

The bishop waits.

Thomas, me hat!

Is it... time?

I was told that the executioner was very good.

He is very good. It does not hurt, madam.

It's all over in a second.

And I have such a little neck.

Haven't I?

Well, Thomas. What do you think of the new queen?

- Wonderful, Your Majesty. - Beautiful?

- Lovely. - Clever too?

A miracle of good sense, Your Majesty.

Liar.

No, Thomas. Not clever, thanks be to heaven.

My first wife was clever. My second was ambitious. My third-

Thomas, if you want to be happy, marry a girl like my sweet little Jane.

Marry a stupid woman.

What a lovely day.

What a lovely day.

Well, one must admit, she died like a queen.

Yes. And that frock.

Wasn't it too divine?

- Was it? I didn't notice. - No, you wouldn't.

You wouldn't notice that I haven't had a new gown for a year.

All right. All right. You shall have one... for your execution.

What-

Knights, ladies, gentlemen and gentlewomen.

Attend the king, his Royal Highness by the grace of God...

Henry VIII, King of England and France, Lord of Ireland.

Jane.

- Warming pans. - Warming pans.

Warming pans.

Rosewater.

- Rosewater. - Rosewater.

Officer?

Here. What's this?

No one is allowed near the king's marriage bed once it's been made ready.

But the marriage bed isn't made ready.

What do you suppose I've been doing for the past hour?

Swallowing the poker, by the look of you.

Hold your tongue!

- And get out of here, my good woman. - Who are you calling a good woman?

Nice name to give one who's been 40 years with the king.

Nice or not, you can't stay here.

- What is it you want? - Haven't you heard of my charms?

- Your charms! - I don't mean charms of face and figure.

- I mean charm of magic. - Oh! Magic!

Yes, the magic I put under the king's pillow to make certain he'll get a son.

Oh. Those things can only come about by chance.

Prince of Wales can't be left to chance.

How do I know that you're not up to some mischief?

Fool! I, harm the king, who nursed him from his birth?

Now, you'll see.

It will be a boy.

Oh, no, baby.

Yes.