Shotgun Wedding

To whomever it may concern,

if you're seeing this video, I am most likely dead.

You've heard about the gruesome, tragic events that befell the Milton-Fletcher wedding.

It's been all over the news.

But what you don't know is the truth--

the real story, the story that my cameras captured.

There are dangerous people out there...

who are willing to do whatever it takes to suppress the truth.

But my art will not be suppressed.

Whoever you are, if this file finds its way into your possession,

please mail a copy of it to the F.B.I.

Mail a duplicate copy to the Sundance Film Festival.

Okay? Make sure you attach a note. Tell 'em it's a rough cut.

You know, still working on some things. But mostly it's all there.

Just gotta put the title sequence in, it'll be all set.

I've stayed too long.

Farewell.

I call my film Shotgun Wedding.

Robert. Hey, buddy.

How about a few words for the camera from the groom?

Oh. The video.

Right. The wedding video. We--

We wanted to record everything.

- - We could go back and relive this special moment.

- I could never forget today. -

- -

- -

No matter how hard I tried.

You-You must have something to say about your wedding.

Robert, you okay? Robert.

You got it? We're rolling? I got you.

Check, check, one, two. One, two, check. Got that?

Slated.

So, um, what exactly are we focusing on?

I don't-- Everything, man. Uh--

Family moments, problems, funny shit.

Nip slips. Just let it run. You know what I mean?

Just don't stop running the camera. That's all, basically. Get everything. Blaze?

You got it. Get it all.

**

* You *

- Who are you? - I had one of those going on.

Just wanted to thank you all for being here on-- with us.

We know that you all had to take time out of your busy, busy lives,

and some of you had to fly across an ocean, and it really means a lot to me.

And to me. Well, to us.

I, uh-- Wow, man.

The Miltons, I just--

A family anyone would kill to be a part of.

I just feel so lucky to feel so outclassed.

No. No! Oh, now.

To those of you who witnessed my embarrassing display of skeet shooting this morning,

I'm a much better shot than that.

I know my dad was probably sitting there going,

"What? Did he not learn anything in all those duck hunting trips?"

Uh-- I blame the wedding jitters.

- Oh. - Not that I have the wedding jitters!

Everyone, the Honorable Judge Philip "Flip" Milton.

Just so everyone knows, he likes to be referred to as "sir," so--

No, no. That's not true.

I prefer "Your Honor."

Okay. Well. Here's to Rosemary and Robert, huh?

Yay. Thank you. Thank you.

I'm Ted. I'm the best man, and--

Best man. Hear, hear.

Guilty. Guilty. Guilty as charged.

I have been best friends with Robert since high school.

And who would have thought both of us would end up marrying such classy dames?

Um-- Actually, my wonderful wife, Elizabeth,

is to blame for this whole thing,

'cause four years ago, she said to me,

"You know, my friend Rosemary is smart and beautiful and rich.

But she's got terrible taste in men."

She said, "Why don't we introduce her to your friend Robert?"

You were great, Ted.

I was Rosemary's first...

boyfriend.

I don't think my poor mother has ever quite forgiven me for letting her get away.

Ha, ha.

So, Robert--

do not let her out of your sight, mate.

I still have almost 24 hours in which to win her back.

But seriously.

To Rosemary... and Robert.

- Cheers! - That guy's hilarious.

I'm in the middle of my speech at the rehearsal dinner.

Yeah! Um--

Robert and Rosemary, you are the perfect couple.

And even though I haven't known either one of you that long, really,

I just want you to know that...

I'm so honored that you chose me to be your maid of honor.

Hug time. Yay.

Big hug here. Yay.

I'm so happy you're here.

She only has 200 views. That's sad. Maybe I should subscribe to her channel.

We love you. I love you.

Rosemary! Ahh!

Right?

- My favorite cousin. - Oh. It's true.

I am super honored you guys all believe in me enough to deejay the reception.

- He's deejaying? -

There was a time back in Afghanistan-- Oorah!

that I thought that I would never find something...

in the civilized world to connect to.

Yeah, after being in the shit.

Until I found my true calling...

as DJ Awesome-sauce,

crankin' out dope jams for good Americans-- Oorah!

I, uh--

I wondered if my only talent was killing people.

You know?

- Every time I close my eyes, I can still smell the blood. -

I was starting to worry...

that he was waiting too long to get married.

Possibly because of how things went...

with his father and me, you know.

We're divorced.

Messy! Messy.

Rosemary was so beautiful and smart.

There was no way he could fall any more in love with her...

than I already have.

- -

Robbie, after you brought her home that first time,

four years ago,

the very next day, I baked a wedding cake.

Yes!

From scratch.

And I have it here right now.

- - Here we go.

- Uh, no. -

Ay, yi, yi, yi, yi.

- - Nice.

Ooh, a vet. I don't know how you keep your figure so slim.

StairMaster. Old school.

Anyway. You having a good time?

Oh, man. Thank you so much. It's--

Of course. Of course. Look at this.

Hey, listen. Why don't you kids go out, have a good time. Okay.

Gonna stay here and clean up. All right.

The first round will be on the father of the groom, Hank Fletcher.

- - Oh!

No, no. I'm just messing with you, Hank.

No, no, no. Hank?

First round is on me. Are you sure?

And then you freeloaders are on your own, okay?

Now just, uh, don't get in trouble, okay? Of course.

We want to stay out of the papers, don't we, honey?

**

Last cameraman standing.

- What, are you going home? - All right, ladies. Here we go.

Leave these boys to their revelry.

I want to stay and revel too.

Ooh! Can we do shots?

Keep an eye on these guys for me, okay?

**

To this guy. To him!

* Raise it up, raise it up, raise it up *

He's not that good.

- ** - Yay!

We made it. Last stop.

What is the damage, my friend? Sixty-five.

- Sixty-five. - Could the judge live any farther from civilization?

Hey, guys! Hey, hey!

Wait for me! We're down to Pensee.

Hey, did everybody see my pearl necklace? My daddy bought it for me.

Where are we going?

** I love you.

They love each other.

Stop it!

Camera guy!

Listen! Listen! This is where we live.

You'll see Mika with our camera.

She can see us. Look at this. Hello!

Oh! Aim for the rim. Aim for the rim.

Pretty hungry-- Hey!

You guys ever feel like every day is, like--

Like every day is like trying to get...

a fuckin' cashew in the hat.

Vows! Vows! Vows! Vows! Vows!

"I, Robert, take you, Rosemary,

to be my lawfully wedded wife,

in sickness and in health, in richness and in poorness--

hopefully more richness than poorness"--

Hey-oh!

"good hair days and bad hair days,

when you're looking smoking hot...

and on those occasions when maybe you're feeling a little bloated"--

Whoa! Oh, hell, no!

I don't think you should put jokes in your vows, man.

No, guys. Rosemary thinks I'm funny.

She likes it when I'm funny.

But not when you're supposed to be pledging your undying love and fidelity.

Yeah, man. They're really terrible.

She'll hate it, and then she'll hate you.

You should take another pass on 'em, seriously.