The Incredible Adventures Of Professor Branestawm

That's it.

Backs straight.

Heads up. Keep your feet dainty.

Dainty, Martha.

You look like a wounded Heffalump with a wooden leg.

Smile, Connie, smile.

You will never get yourself a good husband

until you learn to smile and be pretty.

SHE STOMPS Ah!

I won't. I simply won't.

It's silly and pointless.

Deportment is not silly and pointless, Connie.

I want to learn proper things.

I want to learn science and maths and civil engineering.

There is no point in teaching girls science and maths

and civil engineering.

All you need to learn to snare a husband is cooking and sewing

and being nice

I don't want a stupid husband.

I don't want to be nice.

I want to do great things.

I want to make medicine that saves millions of lives.

I want to build hydroelectric dams and rockets that will fly to the moon.

MISS BLITHERINGTON LAUGHS Don't be so ridiculous, Connie!

A GIRL will never do things like that.

Now, carry on with your lesson. I won't.

Then I'm sending you home, until you learn how to behave.

I won't. Your mother will not be pleased.

If only your father were still around to discipline you properly!

Well, he's not around any more, is he?

But if he was I bet he would come in here right now

and tell you off for not teaching me useful things.

Hello, Connie.

DOG BARKS Whoa! Oh!

Hello, Connie.

I wonder if I might tell you about my scheme to send

hand-knitted waistcoats to the citizens of... Oh!

Ow! Ow!

Watch where you're going, you young hooligan,

you nearly knocked me over.

Come along, Angelica.

Is she all right? Of course she's all right.

We're the injured parties here.

I've a good mind to sue her.

Ah, hello, Mr Bullimore.

I wonder if I might tell you about my scheme to send

hand-knitted waistcoats to the citizens of South Crashbania?

Oh, good day.

Connie? What are you doing home from school so early?

Is everything all right, lovey?

No, everything is NOT all right.

School is stupid, and the lessons are stupid and the other girls

are stupid and Miss Blitherington is especially stupid.

Oh, dear. You haven't been arguing about your lessons again, have you?

I might have been.

I want to learn stuff, Mum.

Useful stuff.

Oh, lovey, whatever are we going to do with you?

CLOCK CHIMES

And what are we going to do with this clock?

That blooming Branestawm man was supposed to have fixed it.

You never went to see the professor? It was your Aunt Maggie's idea.

She thought he might get it working again.

Nothing's right in the world.

Here, Connie, I've got an idea.

Seeing as you're not at school,

you can make yourself busy and run an errand for me.

Oh!

Would you take this clock back to the professor?

Really?

Really truly?

You'll let me visit the professor? Just this once.

If it'll cheer you up.

But you've always said it would be too dangerous for me.

Are you bothered?

Connie, you've still got your books on your head, love.

Oh.

That's clever.

Now, you be careful and hurry straight back.

Professor Branestawm, you have a visitor!

Argh!

Ouch! Please enter.

EXPLOSION

Argh!

Oomph!

Hello.

Hello?

Hello?!

Hello.

Are you all right. Quite all right, thank you for asking.

Only you just flew out a window.

I'm doing some spring cleaning.

Oh. Spring cleaning is a silly, messy, tiresome,

time-consuming business and my housekeeper, Mrs Flittersnoop,

doesn't enjoy it one bit, which is why I've invented a machine

to do it for her - the Professor Branestawm House Cleaning Machine!

How does it work? Well, it's quite simple, really, collects up all

the rubbish and whatnot and wherefore and why on Earth,

and throws it out! That's clever. Yes. Isn't it?

It throws out everything - dust, dirt,

fluff...

..chairs...

..wardrobes...

MEOW!

Hmm, that looks like a cat...

A WOMAN SCREAMS

..and people.

I think I might have the cleaning level set rather too high.

The machine's getting a little carried away.

Do you have some paper?

Yes...

So, if the apex of the triangle ABC bisects the line DE...

Just as I thought!

Left to its own devices it might destroy the whole house.

Interesting.

I can only hope that it...

SQUEALING

There we go. It's thrown itself out.

Oh! Ah!

Ah, Mrs Flittersnoop!

Hello, Auntie Maggie.

Is it dangerous? Highly.

Don't you think we ought to stop it?

Most probably. Which is why I've called for Colonel Dedshott.

Who's Colonel Dedshott?

Who's Colonel Dedshott? Who is Colonel Dedshott?

Great heavens!

Oh, my goodness me, and all that.

That is Colonel Dedshott of the Catapult Cavaliers.

What has happened? And why? And how?

Accident? Explosion?

Insurrection? Spring cleaning.

This is more serious than I thought! Battle stations!

Man the catapults!

Charge! The colonel has never missed a train, an enemy,

or an opportunity of getting into danger!

Ooh!

Ah!

CLATTERING AND CRASHING

I really think we ought to do something.

Hmm. We could have tea, I suppose. Oh!

What was that? I think it was a vase.

Yes, Ming dynasty, early 15th century...

No, Woolworths.

Why do you have so many pairs of glasses?

Oh, well, these are for reading, these are for writing,

these are for looking at things very close up.

Good lord, a little girl!

These are for looking at things very far away.

Hm, somebody in Germany is setting fire to their trousers.

These are for looking at you over the top of.

Hm, another little girl. Are you twins? Interesting.

These are for outdoors.

And these...

Hm, these aren't mine. Don't know how they got in there.

And these... Ah!

These are the most valuable pair! What are they for?

They're for looking for the others when I can't find them.

Glasses have a nasty habit of hiding from you.

Ooooh! Come back here, you coward!

Hello, Auntie!

Stop that man!

SHOUTING AND CRASHING

Get this thing off me!

Ah, well done, that man!

I'm glad I had the foresight to invent an off switch for my device.

I really am too clever for my own good sometimes.

Really, this is intolerable!

CRASHING, MACHINE POWERS DOWN

Oh! I couldn't agree more. Spring cleaning. Bad business.

Miss Silt, I want you to keep a complete record of proceedings.

Take down everything I say. Yes, Mr Haggerstone, sir.

Now, you, I presume, are Professor Branestawm.

I am he. Yes, I am. Marmalade?

He am. He is.

I can vouch for he...for him.

The man is a phenomenon, absolute genius.

I can't understand half the things he says.

In fact, to tell you the truth, I don't understand a word of it.

Much too brainy for me. Makes my head go round and round.

Hm.

I am Councillor Harold Haggerstone, of the Pagwell Town Council,

and I am here to tell you that there have been complaints, Professor.

Complaints? Complaints?

Complaints. Complaints.

What sort of complaints? Complaints? Complaints.

Of noise, and mess and, I don't know,

explosions and general disruption, that sort of thing.

That sort of thing.

I've not met General Disruption. I know a Colonel Dedshott.

In fact, there he is! Standing right there. What a coincidence.

Colonel, we were just talking about you.

Pleased to meet you, Mr Horrid Hag. Haggerstone.

Haggerstone. If you say so.

I have reason to believe, Professor,

that you have constructed an unlicensed workshop

in your garden that poses a threat to health and safety,

and I have orders for it to be torn down.

There must be some mistake. The professor has permission

to build his laboratory from the council. I'm quite sure of it.