iCarly

Wherefore art thou new red lipstick?

Deny thy pigment and refuse thy gloss.

It's matte.

And we're clear.

Excellent sketch, milady.

You flatter me, good sirrah.

But in a professional, dignified way

that's totally appropriate for two adult friends.

: Thou hast hit it.

How you doing, kid?

Any sign of your knees buckling?

You want me to strap you to a board like Hannibal Lecter?

I'd say I'm good for someone who recently realized

she has feelings for her best friend,

but he just went through a breakup

and wants to focus on our friendship,

which she totally agrees is the right call!

Cool, you seem fine.

Make it stop.

We get it, an elder is in danger.

Huh. No, it's just trying to get me to do the next stupid update.

Doesn't matter.

Doesn't matter?

The last update put the calendar notifications on the bottom.

Who knows what they'll dream up next.

You can't keep it together

'cause of this ham sandwich?

Okay, it's ready!

Time to test my latest sculpture.

I call it-- mm--

Memory Lane.

-Ooh. (laughs) -Thanks.

-Uh... -Is this memory from when you were blackout drunk?

* I know *

* You see *

* Somehow the world will change for me *

* And be so wonderful *

* So wake up the members of my nation *

* It's your time to be *

* There's no chance unless you take one *

* And the time to see the brighter side *

* Of every situation *

* Some things are meant to be *

* So give your best and leave the rest to me. *

Live, damn you!

Carly, the surge killed your phone.

It's time to let go.

Fine.

-Let's call it. -It's okay.

We'll go to the Pear Store, and we'll get you a new phone.

-I'm an honorary genius there. -You get a discount?

No, actually, I pay a little more.

Okay, I'll get my backup.

Hey, h-have you guys seen my hard drive?

It has all my photos from the last 15 years on it.

It's purple with glitter, and it's labeled

"Carly's Bitchin' Purple Hard Drive."

Spencer, you used my actual backups for your sculpture?

Why couldn't you just use an empty hard drive?

If the hard drives were empty, the meaning would be, too.

Hey, you still have a backup in the cloud, right?

You know I don't trust the cloud.

How does it even work?

You throw your phone in the sky and wait for it to rain?

Mm, that's an oversimplification, probably.

Oh, my God, it's really gone, all of my photos.

It's okay, it's okay. We can fix this. We'll...

recreate your memories.

How? Are you gonna give me amnesia

so I can reexperience everything for the first time?

Wait. Did you already do that and I already had this idea?

No. We'll act out your favorite moments and take new photos.

Good sir, you would do such a thing for me?

Carly, I wouldst do anything for thee, milady.

My man. (laughs)

Oh. Excelsior.

Nonny Nonny. (laughs)

Ooh, tell me.

-Crumpet. (laughs) -Ooh, for who?

Oh, my God, another blackout?

No, I just needed that to stop.

* Come on *

* Yes, I can, yes, we can *

* Watch us, we're unstoppable, so clap your hands *

-* Listen up. * -(music stops)

Excuse you! Don't you knock?

Literally not once in the entire time you've known me.

I don't want to alarm you, but it's an emergency.

Is it?

You also said it was an emergency

when Queen Elizabeth was trending.

She died.

And they replaced her with some new guy.

See? Everything is fine.

Everything is not fine.

I bought the first dress I tried on.

Can you believe it?

Oh, I believe it.

-So, you'll help? -When a doctor sees a passenger

on a plane having a heart attack,

do they have any choice but to act?

You think what you do is like surgery?

In some ways, it's harder.

Can I just ask... (laughs)

"Naughty girl?"

Isn't it so feminist?

Yeah. What-what do you think "feminist" means?

For years, I was only seen as someone's mom,

then someone's grandma.

But with my Lewbie, I'm my own magnificent,

sexually empowered being.

Finally... (deep inhale) I'm Marissa.

And Marissa is a naughty girl.

Oh, damn. That's exactly what feminist means.

Well, what if we just gave you some options?

Ooh, that I can vote on?

-Yeah. -I'm like a suffragette.

Focus.

I'm worried recreating these memories is

just gonna make me want to kiss Freddie on his big stupid face.

I don't know why I called his face stupid, I like it so much.

You sure you don't want to tell him how you feel?

You'd be great together.

No. I just want to get through these memories

with as little pain as possible.

Then give me that list.

Nope. Nope!

The time you slow danced at Nevel Papperman's wedding?

Oh, my sweet Carly,

so pure of heart, so simple of mind.

You need someone who can pick

the most disgusting memories of all time.

Now you see why I came to you.

All right, who's ready to make some memories?!

Okay.

Carly, wake up!

Did I really scare you?

You could never scare me.

Ah! Damn it, people, back to one!

Do we really need to recreate the time

my mom put cloud block on me in front of the whole school?

Yes, we do, Fredward.

Pretty gross, huh?

Disgusting.

From the top, people!

You can do better than this.

Maybe you didn't hear me. I said, "Better."

I look like I'm going to the Oscars.

Too bad this is for my wedding.

I get why the fans like Baggles more than me.

He's pretty cute.

Still cute?

Adorable.

I can't work in these conditions!

Are you ready to say wow to the gown?

She's the one.

Yeah, work the trash.

Be the trash.

You are the trash.

Wait, I'm the trash?

You are not the trash.

* Living without you... *

Hey, wasn't this the song that was playing when...

When we slow danced here after that terrible school dance?

: Yeah.

Would you maybe want to...

you know, just to get the photo.

I guess, just for the photo.

* And if you want my heart *

* Just let me know *

* 'Cause you were meant *

* 'Cause you were meant for me... *

You know what I just realized?

What?

There's no one here to take a picture.

* *

: No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no!

No!

* *

I tried everything I could think of.

Some people don't want to be helped.

They just want to be naughty girls.

I never thought of my sister that way,

but I guess you're not wrong.

Who gets the best big brother award?

-(chuckles) -How can you...

at a time like this?

When our plan was a total failure?

Exactly! Look, forget the old plan.

When Freddie called me trash and asked me to dance,

it opened the door a crack,

and now I am going to kick it down.

So you're gonna tell Freddie how you feel?

Please, Harper.

I'm giddy, not stupid.

The ball's in Freddie's court.

But if I set up the perfect romantic memory,

-he'll confess how he feels. Ooh!

You could use one of those memories

I vetoed from your list!