Ann Droid

Do you think I've got enough prawn cocktail crisps?

Michael loves prawn cocktail crisps.

Maybe I should go and grab another one, what do you think?

Sue, there is over 14,000 calories in this trolley.

Oh, yeah. It's just that Michael and Renee

being back together for the foreseeable future,

it's just important we get together for these nice family dinners.

Sue! Oh for f... Sue!

Hello, Phyllis! Oh, gosh, that's a gorgeous dress!

I know! It's my birthday today! How old are you today?

Now, now, a lady never tells her age.

Your bone deterioration and muscle waste indicate you are...79.

I'm so sorry, Phyllis.

She's been malfunctioning lately.

Going somewhere special?

Jeffrey's booked out the golf club.

He's been very secretive. The whole family are pretending

they've forgotten, but they're up to something.

Why don't you come? Oh, sorry, I can't.

Michael and Renee are coming over.

Well, come afterwards. Or bring them too!

We'll be going on all night and Jeffrey never invites my friends!

Oh, look, there's Alison,

Alison Farris. Alison!

Alison! Ali...

Good God, honestly, poor soul, she's as deaf as a post.

SHE LAUGHS

So you'll come?

We'll see how we get on... Wonderful! Sue...

..it is at the golf club, so wear something nice, won't you?

I've got to dash, I must buy some sunscreen.

I spied a suitcase, think I might be

in for a surprise birthday holiday.

I'll see you later.

I wonder what on Earth happened to Alison.

Did you see how she said that, "wear something nice"?

Did you see that? Yes, Sue, I saw that.

I've got plenty of nice outfits! I don't dress badly.

Do I dress badly, Linda?

No, Sue, you are a real Bobby Dazzler!

SUE CHUCKLES

Oh, hi, Alison!

Phyllis, Alison is here!

Oh, Alison! Oh, sorry...

No peeking now, close your eyes!

I do not need to close my eyes,

you can simply change my setting to...sightless.

Oh...

Sightless.

Oh, this dress, it was Dave's favourite.

Do you know what Dave said the first time he saw me in this dress?

No. He said, "I'm the luckiest man alive."

Dave thought you were a man.

No, you idiot.

Oh, forget it... Ta-ra!

Oh, my God!

Oh, um... Sight?

You will be the belle of Phyllis' ball!

Oh, I'm not going to Phyllis' stupid party.

I said, "We'll see how we get on," that means you're not going.

SUE CHUCKLES

Ooh! This dress has convenient holes for toileting.

Oh, my God!

Oh, no! This was Dave's favourite dress!

Dave wore this dress too?

Let me see what else I've got.

Moths have been at everything!

Maybe Phyllis has got a point. I haven't bought a new outfit

since before Dave was sick.

I will reverse image search Dave's dress and order same day delivery.

No, no, no, I don't do online shopping.

There's still time.

We can go out and buy something nice for tonight.

But you do not like Renee. I can't stand her!

That's why it's very important we have a nice family dinner.

So she can ram that up her hole!

Search "nice family dinners".

He's a useless coward. If he does come at you, just kick him.

Go on.

Hello, Michael.

What do you want, Keith?

I have some bad news - today is your last day here.

What? I am sorry, but Mark feels...

"you aren't the right fit with the culture of this workplace".

Mark? What the shit?

But as one door closes, another door opens.

Fine... Fine. I'll finish up my shift, and then I'll go,

because I'm a professional, Mark! It is effective immediately.

Please, can I just stay till 11? Renee's just said she's dropping by.

I can't look like some complete loser who's just lost his job

to some dickless robot.

Mark!

Yeah, well, this is a stupid job, I didn't want it anyway.

Michael, could you please step off the property?

Piss off, Keith. All right, you don't speak to my staff like that!

Hi! Balls. OK, Mark, yeah, you got it, mate!

I mean it, Michael. I know you do! Ha-ha, he's so funny,

it's like working with Jimmy Carr.

Wow! This is amazing!

It's for your mum.

It's from the Australian jungle, so it has forest immunities

and like good bacterias that date back literally millions of years.

Where are we going? Hm?

Oh. Um... We're going to have to put it in the car.

Mark's just banned social visits in the shop.

He's such a controlling prick!.

You just said he was funny.

Well, like most comedians, he's got a dark side.

I've actually been thinking a lot about quitting.

But no more surprise visits, OK? LAUGHS NERVOUSLY

Seriously, don't just... Don't just drop in.

OK? Yeah, all right.

My 11am just cancelled,

so I thought I'd get something really special for your mum.

I just... I don't know why I'm nervous.

We're just going to ask her for money, not a vital organ.

Exactly. And you're so great with people.

Being a people person is a really big part of my job.

I treat the whole person.

I inspire them, I encourage them, I uplift them.

Otherwise, the fat fucks just give up.

Like Gillian. Who's Gillian?

My 11am.

"Family bereavement", my arse!

As if she didn't think I'm going to check her social media!

Lying is...so pathetic. See you after work?

Yep!

Time for me to inspire.

Gillian? It's me, Renee.

Just checking you're OK. Oh, quick question...

Do you enjoy being a tubby little liar with no discipline?

I've seen the pictures, Gillian.

Let me ask you a question.

Do you want to be a big fat balloon? Are you eating?!

I know you're eating, I can hear it. Spit it out!

HOOVERING

I'm here!

Hello, Phyllis.

Well, this is all very intriguing.

This place looks pretty deserted.

Well, I wanted somewhere quiet...

..and neutral. Quiet and neutral?

Oh, Jeffrey!

Switzerland? I knew you were planning something!

For my birthday. Oh...

OK...

Very funny!

Where is everybody?

It's just us. Oh, sure, what, everyone has...

Everyone has forgotten...

..my fucking birthday? Are you joking?

I remember everyone else's stupid birthdays!

I can't even... You know what, let's do this another day.

Do what? I mean, what on earth are we "doing" in here?

Right, OK.

Good.

Ahem.

Someone once said "that he heart wants what it wants".

That was Woody Allen. Was it?

Yes, he said it when he married his daughter!

Oh... I didn't know he said it.

But he makes a valid point.

About incest? It's not incest, if the person's adopted.

Yes, it is. I don't want to talk about Woody Allen.

You're the one quoting him. And the point of the quote

is that love and attraction are unpredictable.

Look, if you and Kristen are back on again,

I really couldn't care less. It's not, Kristen.

Fine. Kristen, Polly, Dee-dee...

I've always been realistic about... It's not a woman.

CAR HORN

Oh... That was...

..so uncomfortable, my back is killing me.

Do you want a baby or not? My ovulation window is closing.

Hey...

That outfit is great, Mum's going to love it.

Just wait until she finds out we're going to make her a grandmother.

Do you think we should mention that?

I mean... We've only just started trying.

Oh, my God, Michael, people announce it!

TTC, Trying To Conceive.

One of my clients had a TTC reveal party,

she served yellow cocktails with ovulation pee sticks in them!

What did she serve for semen? Don't be so gross, Michael.

Sorry.

I just don't want to get Mum's hopes up, what if it takes a while?

If you're going to ask for this sort of money,

you either have to be dying or producing a grandchild.

And believe me, when you tell people you're dying,

they ask for all sorts of supporting evidence.

Let's just not say anything until we're pregnant.

It's a lot of pressure.

Well, guess what, I don't crack under pressure.

I have a tendency to.

Shall we do it again? Oh...

I think those hikers are watching.

People can watch bukkake on their phones 24/7,

no-one's going to wanna watch your hairy arse pumping away in a lay-by.

Aw!

I definitely think they're watching. Just block it out and focus!