Two and a Half Men

Hello, I'm Charlie's brother, Alan.

I wanna thank you all for coming.

I know this is a very sad day for all of us.

Speak for yourself.

Okay, I understand that some of you have "mixed feelings"...

...but I think we can all agree that Charlie lived life to its fullest...

...and gave it everything he had.

He gave me herpes.

Chlamydia.

Vaginal warts.

Excuse me, this is my dead son we're talking about.

I loved him and I'm devastated that he's gone.

Leaving me with nothing but my memories, and my regrets...

...and the listing for his beautiful beach front Malibu getaway...

...with three bedrooms, three and a half baths...

...and a beautiful, panoramic ocean view.

Help yourselves to brochures out by the coffee urn.

Thank you, Mom. Anyway-

Open house is Sunday, 1 to 5.

Okay, I'd like to take a moment to talk about my brother...

...and his incredible love for life.

He also loved being spanked.

While wearing my panties.

He used my panties to make tea.

My point is that Charlie lived life on his own terms...

...and never apologized for who he was.

Yeah, blah, blah, blah, why can't we see the body?

Yeah, I didn't come all this way to spit on a closed coffin.

Okay. I understand how you feel.

But, unfortunately, due to the circumstances of his passing...

...the remains aren't exactly spittable.

I have a question.

Okay, I wasn't planning on doing a Q&A, but go ahead.

Thank you.

Charlie owes me $38,000 for some, let's say, pharmaceuticals.

Who do I talk to about that?

That's something you'll have to discuss with the lawyers.

Yeah, I'd rather not involve the law. Heh.

And now, I thought we'd take this moment...

...to hear from the person who was with Charlie at the end.

Thank you, Alan.

Charlie Harper was the love of my life...

...and a wonderful, wonderful man.

Selfish pig. Ahem.

Sure, our relationship had its ups and downs...

...and the occasional restraining order.

But at the end, we ran away together to Paris...

...where he asked me to marry him.

I said, "yes," and the next few days were the happiest of my life.

Nothing could spoil it.

Not even when I came home from shopping...

...and found him taking a shower with another woman.

- That's Charlie. - That's Charlie. Yeah.

But I forgave him because I loved him unconditionally.

So you can imagine my horror when the very next day...

...he slipped on the Metro platform and fell in front of an oncoming train.

Never cross a crazy woman.

I just want you all to know that Charlie didn't suffer.

His body just exploded like a balloon full of meat.

Thank you.

I'm hungry. Anyone else hungry?

Charlie was the best boss I ever had.

I needed a day off. "Sure, Berta, no problem."

I needed a couple extra bucks. "Sure, Berta, no problem."

All he ever asked in return was clean sheets...

...and hosing the vomit off the occasional drug-addled hooker.

What a beautiful story.

Can you keep the house clean till I sell it?

Can I count on you to keep paying me?

There's virtually no money in Charlie's estate...

...but I'd pay you once the house sells.

Then that's when I'll clean it.

I still don't see why we have to sell.

He left it to me, he wanted me to have it.

- Can you make mortgage payments? - No.

- Can you pay the property tax? - Not per se.

But I was kind of hoping you'd help out.

I mean, after all, your grandson lives here part-time.

Good job raising him.

Darling, I can't afford...

...to maintain my house and your house at the same time.

But you're my mommy.

Good job raising him.

Once I sell this place, you can come live with me.

But why would I have to? Won't I get a lot of money from the sale?

Oh, please. Charlie had three mortgages on this place.

Once we deduct closing costs and escrow fees and my commission...

- ...you'll be lucky to break even. - Planning to take a commission?

She doesn't work for free. Why should I?

Don't think those silent ones are fooling anybody.

- Hi, I'm here for the open house. - Come right in.

Thank you.

Three bedrooms, three and a half baths.

Sixty feet of prime Malibu ocean front.

Wait a minute. I know this place. This is Charlie Harper's place, right?

- It was. - Then I can't buy it.

Uh- What? Why?

Bad memories.

Charlie and I had this drunken threesome with a crazy chick on this couch.

Sounds like a good memory.

Yeah, unfortunately, she passed out, and Charlie and I kept going without her.

Bad memory.

Oh, the feng shui is great.

I mean, the place just oozes positive energy.

It's not practical.

The commute downtown would kill me.

Don't worry, sweetie. Just let the universe provide.

The universe doesn't provide. I provide.

I bust my ass 80 hours a week.

Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody needs to meditate.

Uh-oh. Sounds like somebody needs to file for divorce.

Really? You wanna play that card?

I will take you and your uptight, bourgeois family...

...for every penny you've got.

Bye-bye.

Bye-bye. Keeh!

What a fun couple.

Sorry, the open house is over.

I got a package for Alan Harper.

- Oh, that's me. - Sign here.

Oh, how exciting. Heh.

I wonder what it is.

It's from a crematorium, so that kind of narrows it down.

That's my brother.

Berta, Charlie's here.

- Thank you. - Enjoy.

Well...

...here we are, buddy.

Just like old times, huh?

I'm talking and you're in a bottle, ignoring me.

I wanted to tell you that I loved you...

...and I will miss you...

...and I will always be grateful for you taking Jake and me in...

...letting us live here all these years.

So now the question is...

...what do we do with you?

I know what you said you wanted...

...but I don't think Pamela Anderson will agree to swallow your ashes.

I mean, I could take you with me to live at Mom's...

...but that's how horror movies start.

Hey, maybe I could sprinkle you on the beach.

I mean, it's simple, it's dignified...

...and pretty girls covered with oil will be sitting on you all day.

Kind of like your life.

Except for the dignified part.

All right.

Well...

...I guess now is as good a time as any.

I ain't cleaning him up.

Can I use your phone?

Sure, I guess.

Are you okay?

Yeah, I'm fine. I was just trying to drown myself.

- You tried to commit suicide? - Yeah.

But I had no idea that the water would be that cold.

I could've worn a wetsuit, but who tries to commit suicide...

...in a wetsuit, right?

- That phone right there? - Yeah, yeah.

Thank you.

- Oh, you got a towel? - Oh, sure.

Thanks.

Hi, it's me.