Mickey 17

How did I survive that?

It was some damn fall.

- -Oh, shit. My comm's busted.

My thermal's busted too.

I should have got snapped in half

and died on the way down,

instead of slowly turning into a meat popsicle.

Timo?

Timo!

Timo, I'm down here.

Ow.

Timo.

Mickey?

T-- Timo!

-Timo, I'm down here. -Mickey. Whoa.

-You haven't died yet? -

-No. -Hold on.

Oh, shit.

-Your flamethrower's still good. -

Not a single scratch.

It's a good thing I thought to come down here.

Weapons will be happy to see this.

Hey, I'm gonna turn this in, okay?

I can take it.

You're not mad, right? That I'm just taking this?

I mean, it's not looking very good for you, right?

-Also, line only goes this far. -Uh-huh.

Yeah, no, we-- we're cool.

You shouldn't have to take the risk.

Yeah, that's what I'm saying.

Plus, they're gonna reprint you back out tomorrow anyway.

Yeah.

Hey, Mickey.

Yeah?

What's it feel like to die?

I'm sure you're used to it by now. Still...

How many times is this?

You're Mickey... 16?

17. Jerk.

18 after this one.

Well, it was nice knowing you, have a nice death.

See you tomorrow.

Oh, great.

Why not?

That's a pretty big one.

Hopefully, I'll just get swallowed in one go.

It's got to be better than slowly freezing to death.

I guess.

- Or maybe not. -

But they just printed me out again

every time I died.

All my data is saved, and I just get a whole new body.

They do all this, kind of, regular uploads of memories

-and my personality traits... -

...and re-implant it back in my brain.

That's some crazy technology, man.

Let's just say it's-- it's advanced.

It's very advanced.

- -

- Yes. -

Oh, come on, come on.

Wait. Would you just hold on a second?

Just like-- Calm down. Calm down.

Just relax, breathe. That's right, breathe.

- Oh! - Yes!

The whole body printing

and memory transplanting thing,

to be honest, was so ridiculously ahead of its time,

that it caused so many, like, ethical fights

and religious blah, blah, blah,

that it was actually banned on Earth,

and they only allow it now in outer space for Expendables.

Like me.

So, from the second we left the atmosphere,

they made me work my ass off all the way to this planet.

Gave me one mission after another.

Uh, Tech, what's going on? The extra cable's here already.

Um, the thing is, Mickey...

Hey, Medical, you wanna tell him?

Tell me what?

Hi, Mickey. How're you doing?

Are you experiencing any vertigo, nausea or dizziness?

Uh, I-I guess I am feeling a little dizzy.

It's only gonna get worse from here, Mickey,

with a nice fever too.

Truth is, you're exposed to

unthinkable levels of radiation right now,

which is why we sent you out in the first place.

Okay.

If you could give us a full

description of your symptoms.

So, a couple things I wanna go through

on our cosmic radiation checklist first.

How long until your skin starts to burn?

Then, how long until you go blind?

And of course, how long until you die?

That's the real nut we're after.

There was this one time

in my fourth grade science class,

I messed with a lab frog.

I just figured this all must be my punishment.

Mickey, take off your glove,

so I can see what's happening under your space suit.

- -

Oh! Oh! Wow! Did you see that?

Good morning.

-Good morning. -Keep yourself hydrated, Mickey.

You'll start to feel extremely parched.

Arkady, I think the dose was too high.

Who cares, Dorothy? He's gonna be dead in ten minutes.

Just focus on getting all the blood samples.

He's gonna bleed through his eyes,

nose, mouth, ears, and rectum.

Make sure to collect separate samples from every hole. Okay?

And keep the memory upload going at the same time.

This Mickey's special, you know that, right?

Out of all the Mickeys, you will have the shortest lifespan.

-I heard. Ten minutes. -Well--

Actually, good news, it's more like 15.

-Much better, isn't it? -

I would have been filthy rich by now

with life insurance, except...

...obviously, Expendables are uninsurable.

There's no workers' comp, no unions, no pension benefits.

Now, I wouldn't be surprised

if you were thinking at this point,

"Well then, why-- why did you do this to yourself?"

Well, because I had a friend who told me

that one day macarons would sell better than burgers.

And because I trusted this shitty friend,

and I got an enormous loan

from a wonderful gentleman to open a macaron store.

- -

- - Oh, shit.

- -

- -

- -All right, all right,

calm down.

I'm well aware that you have four weeks left.

Just think of this as a little field trip.

A taste of what may unfold

should you fail to reimburse us in a timely manner.

Besides, you two have a lot of time on your hands,

with your little macaron shop gone under.

This is quite a show you got on here for me, quite a show.

The message is clear, I hear you. I hear it loud and clear,

"I'm late. I'm late. The money is late."

It's coming. Two people behind...

Darius Blank. A name I wish I'd never heard.

Mr. Blank isn't all that concerned with money.

He has plenty.

This building's just one of his many assets.

Watching his delinquent borrowers die,

savoring the details of death...

that, he truly enjoys.

The message is clear. You can stop now. We can stop, you know?

It's-- It's... I hear you.

You know, two weeks, two weeks is all it takes.

All it takes now. A-A-And more is coming,

there's more coming, more money is...

- -More money is, is, is...

We caught that gentleman four days ago

in Ulaanbaatar, Mongolia.

Looks expensive.

Rest assured, anyone who misses the deadline,

we chase them to the ends of the Earth.

So we decided to get off of Earth.

Nothing was working out, and I got no family relying on me.

So, I applied to the colony expedition,

but there's, like, a million other people

with the same idea.

Seems like the whole of this rotten planet

was running away from something.

I guess everybody's got money problems.

But anyway, we had to get on this ship,

because it was the last one of the season.

Waves upon waves of people desperate to leave Earth.

It's clear anti-migrationists are talking to a brick wall

when they insist on fixing up the Earth,

instead of risking lives by migrating to another planet.

It feels like these passionate applicants

are already off in space.

More importantly, this is the expedition

led by former congressman, Kenneth Marshall,

who lost his last two elections.

Is this failed politician