The Guilt Trip

Oh! Ooh.

New message.

Are you there? Are you up?

Oh, my God! It's too early there for me to be calling.

7:52, 6:52, 5:52... I forgot. Three hours earlier.

- Forget I called! Message deleted.

New message. Honey, it's Mommy.

I know I only get you for the weekend before you hit the road,

but I thought I'd pick you up a few things.

Do you like Greek yogurt? It's the rage.

Message deleted.

I'm so proud of you, honey.

I can't believe you're gonna do a tour of all these companies and your product.

I mean, I... My little Donald Trump.

- I'm so excited to see your sweet face! Message deleted.

Hi, Andy, it's Mommy. Last call.

I just wanted you to know that I'm going to park and come inside tomorrow

because parking curbside at Newark is a zoo!

And I don't want to get a citation. That's all.

Oh, I may go to the Gap today,

so let me know if you need slacks or a scarf or anything, you know.

Uh... I got you a pass for my gym, if you want to do Pilates with me.

I have this new instructor, she's a lesbian.

Message deleted.

New message.

All these messages about tomorrow

and I forgot to wish you good luck today!

They're going to love you! I know it.

Who could say no to you?

Andrew Brewster? We're ready for you.

Thank you.

What do you have for us, son?

What I have for you is a groundbreaking product

that Kmart has the opportunity to have on its shelves

before anyone else has it on their shelves.

First, some background information on me.

I have a Master's Degree in chemistry from UCLA.

For the last three years,

I worked at the Environmental Protection Agency.

And trust me,

I didn't stay three years because of the ladies.

I stayed because I was fascinated by the work I was doing there!

Primarily that was the sustainable technology

sourced by renewable resources.

I know what you're thinking...

"Boring Chemistry Alert!" Right?

Wrong!

One day, I had a breakthrough.

I created a micro-emulsion suspension

that harnessed the natural cleaning power of

coconut oil,

palm kernel oil,

and

soy!

Not soy sauce,

but soybean oil.

And this comes together to create what I like to call...

Can you see that? I thought the table would be smaller.

Can you see it?

Scieoclean! Scieo-clean!

Science and clean in one word.

Okay. Very thorough. Thanks for coming in.

And we'll be in touch, down the road.

I have full FDA approval,

and I have enough financial backing...

Actually, we're already in talks with major companies...

Yeah. Whose products are toxic and harmful.

...as well as established organic companies.

But develop some brand recognition

and maybe, in a year or two, we'll revisit.

New message.

So, how did it go? I know, I know. I'm driving you crazy,

but I'm on pins and needles here, Andy!

They loved you, I bet. Kmart!

I can't believe it! My son at Kmart!

Message deleted.

Hi, this is Joyce, leave a message, bye!

Hey, Ma, got your billion messages.

Here are some answers to your questions: Kmart went great,

do not buy me slacks,

I do not want to do Pilates,

and I'm excited to see you, too.

Andy! Andy!

Whoo-hoo! Yoo-hoo!

Andy! Andy!

Andy! I'm over here!

- Honey! - Hey, Ma.

- I'm over here! - I see you. Hey!

- All of Newark sees you. - Hi!

- Hi, there. Hey, Ma. - Oh, my baby.

Oh, my God! (KISSES)

- Good to see you. - Look at you! Look at you!

- Yes. Look at me. - Oh, my God! Oh, my God.

Yeah. Okay. Let's get out of the way here.

Are you wearing a sports jacket?

Yeah, I am.

How did you know even to buy a sports jacket?

- I took a class in it. Yeah. - Look at this.

Oh, my God! Honey, look! You left the price tag on.

J. Crew? My fancy-schmancy son!

Yeah, that's me.

I'm just gonna keep it, in case it goes on sale.

- Okay, great. Thanks. -(EXHALES)

Is it hot in here, or is it just me?

- Just you. Not hot at all. - Just me?

- You're kidding. - Nope.

- I made chicken for dinner. - Oh, awesome.

And I invited some of the girls over

because they really can't wait to see you.

Ugh. You know, I'd kinda rather you didn't.

I just got off a long flight.

- I don't know if I want to... - Oh...

- You're tired and everything? - Yeah, I have jet lag a bit.

The last thing you need is to put on a show for my friends.

- Right. - Yeah. Exactly.

Thank you, Ma. Thank you for understanding.

I just made so much chicken is all.

Hmm.

I can't believe little Andy, all grown up!

And wearing a sports jacket.

It's from J. Crew. Show them the label.

Yeah, it's pretty affordable.

Did you know that Andy is starting his own business?

- Oh. - Is that right?

Yeah, he invented a new product

and now he's going to go travel door-to-door selling it.

Isn't that right, Andy?

No, that's actually not even close.

You know, it's dangerous to go door-to-door.

I'm not going door-to-door.

They stopped doing that decades ago.

Did I hear wrong, honey?

It's okay. It's complicated. That's close enough, I guess.

Andy, it's so nice to finally meet you.

You, too. Yeah.

I have heard only great things about you.

Oh, that's nice.

Gayle is our new friend.

She's our Weight Watchers leader. Her husband's dead.

I'm really sorry to hear that.

I'm not. (CHUCKLES)

He couldn't drop dead soon enough.

He was horrible!

She couldn't wait to get rid of him, honey.

Andy, you have to help me.

Please convince her to come to my singles event with me.

- One night. Oh, yeah!

- Come on. Don't say that. - You gotta do it!

I don't want to go there.

I am telling you, you will be the belle of the ball.

More like the belle of the "bald."

I don't need it. I'm very happy.

Got more frogs since Thanksgiving, huh, Ma?

Yeah, you can't imagine how many places sell frogs.

I hope you're drinking water, Andy.

Mmm-hmm.

Good. Good boy.

Because I'm up to six bottles a day now. You know?

It's very good for your skin.

Good. That's why I'm doing it.

I'm so glad you do that, honey.

What are you doing right now?

I'm refilling my water bottle.

'Cause it's silly to pay big prices

for a case of bottles, basically, you know,

when you can use this over and over again.

So you're really gonna drive cross-country

for these meetings?

Yeah. All the way to Vegas, yeah.

You seeing anyone?

No. Not at the moment.

No? I thought you were seeing that girl with the exotic name.

- Bethany? - Yes!

Bethany. What happened to her?

Yeah, that just didn't really work out. You know...

So what about the one before her? The Oriental.

That is not remotely an acceptable term anymore, and...

I don't know, it just didn't work out.

You'd think one of them would have worked out by now, hmm?

What about you? Are you seeing anyone at the moment?

Andy, please don't be disgusting.

You want me to go to one of Gayle's miserable singles events?

That's what you want? You want me whoring myself out?

Put on a thong?

I'm going to sleep now, Ma.

- Oh. - Yeah.

I took out the old home movies and I thought we would watch it together.

You know, I just... I'm not adjusted yet.

I'm still jet lagged. I just...

- Oh, I understand. Yeah. - Good night.

Good night, honey!

I bought some underwear for you at the Gap.

Okay.

We can return it tomorrow if it doesn't fit!

That's pretty gross.

They know me there! - Okay.

(ON TV) Can I turn this thing off?

We've been doing this for two hours.

(ON TV) Just a few more minutes, okay?

- Look how cute he is. -(SIGHS)