'Allo 'Allo!

Would you believe it possible that the plot has now thickened?

Herr Flick thinks that the general and the colonel

are planning to blow up Hitler.

Herr Flick can do nothing about this

because he has been imprisoned in the dungeon of the chateau

disguised as a woman.

If my hands are shaking,

it is because Michelle of the resistance,

in a plan to blow up the general,

placed a bomb in the wheelchair of my wife's mother.

Unfortunately, the attempt misfired,

and my wife's mother survived.

She was last seen disappearing at very high speed

with a cloud of smoke coming from the bottom...

Of her wheelchair.

Oh heck, here comes lieutenant Gruber.

This is the one that fancies me.

Good morning, Rene.

Ah, good morning, lieutenant. Your usual?

Later, thank you, Rene.

Rene, I have a problem

regarding my sleeping arrangements.

Oh yes?

The colonel has ordered captain bertorelli

to sleep with me.

Well, the Italians wanted to join the war,

they must accept the consequences.

The man is a peasant, Rene.

The moment his head touches the pillow he is asleep.

How insensitive.

Then his snoring keeps me awake all night.

Have you a spare room here?

You would not want to sleep here, no.

My wife snores; I snore; The girls snore;

monsieur Leclerc makes terrible noises;

from midnight the whole place sounds like a sawmill.

No, not for me.

I meant a room for captain bertorelli.

Oh, I see.

Good morning, lieutenant Gruber.

Edith, the lieutenant wants

the captain to come and sleep here.

The handsome Italian captain?

Yes. We have no room, have we?

Well, of course we have.

He can sleep between Mimi and Yvette.

You French, will I never understand you?

No, she means the spare room

between Mimi and Yvette.

Oh, good.

I will pay for his room.

Will you be visiting him often?

The lieutenant is paying for the room

because he cannot stand the captain's snoring.

I blow in Rene's ear when I want him to stop.

I will remember that.

That is settled then.

1000 francs a night, eh?

The woman prisoner Von kinkenrotten is in here.

You have five minutes.

10.

But that is the limit.

Herr Flick.

Oh, it is terrible to find you

in such an unusual position.

It is very painful.

I am taking notes.

Is there anything I can do to relieve your situation?

I cannot endure the pain in my legs.

Do you have any scissors?

Yes, but they will not cut chains.

They will cut my tight knicker elastic.

These finger trappers are killing me.

How could general Von klinkerhoffen

do this to an officer of the gestapo?

Since I am in disguise as a woman of the opposite sex

and have no papers,

he is pretending he does not recognize me.

Be of good cheer, herr Flick.

Your assistant, Von smallhausen, has a plan.

This does not make me of good cheer.

He is a barbarian twit.

He is our only hope.

Herr Flick,

may I kiss you?

What? Kiss me?

Chained to the wall, and dressed in the underwear of a woman?

Of course.

Mimi,

when madame Edith sings,

always have ready a dustpan and brush.

Rene, psst! You are wanted in the back room.

- Who wants me? - I do.

Oh, Rene,

my whole body aches for you.

My lips ache for you,

my arms ache for you,

my bosoms ache for you,

my legs groan for you.

How is your back?

You must try to relax more, Yvette.

It is the tension from being so madly in love with me.

Oh, Rene.

Do you not ache for me just a little bit?

From time to time I do get a little bit stiff,

but I put it down to age.

It is urgent I speak with you all.

I will get the others.

Monsieur alphonse, what are you doing here?

I brought this intrepid lady here

in the back of my small hearse with the small horse.

Monsieur, if she is discovered you could be shot.

I know,

but it is worth it.

He does this for France.

And 300 francs a mile plus waiting time.

The flag is now down, mademoiselle.

Gather round.

Now listen very carefully,

I shall say this only once.

Just a minute...

Who is looking after the bar?

Monsieur Leclerc.

I have the key to the till.

Listen very carefully...

I'm sorry I am late, I was serving the customer.

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this only once.

Here.

How am I supposed to give change

if I do not have the key to the till?

Give it to him.

And bring it back!

Ah! Bring it back, bring it back...

Now, you were saying, Michelle?

Listen very carefully,

I shall say this only once...

You are now on double time.

If these interruptions continue,

I shall not say it at all!

All right, all right, we are ready.

Now listen very carefully,

I shall say...

Here is the key.

Now, if I get another big note,

I shall require it again.

Right, that is it. I am going.

125 francs.

No, no, Michelle, come back.

What is it you are going to tell us?

Only once?

We have the camera with which we are going to photograph the safe in the chateau

which contains plans for the invasion of england.

We will show this photograph to monsieur Leclerc,

the forger and safebreaker,

so that he may identify it

and make plans to open the safe.

When he is confident,

we will take him into the chateau

and he will open it,

and we will photograph the plans.

These photographs

will be made into micro-photographs,

which will be tied to the leg of a pigeon

supplied by the R.A.F.

So that the photograph of the plans

may be studied in London.

All that seems perfectly straightforward.

Was there anything else?

225 francs.

We have a problem.

There is no film for the camera.

That would be a problem, yes.

Where are we to get the film?

All film has been confiscated by the Germans.

The colonel has a camera.

We must think of a way to steal from it the film.

I could pose for him, in my scanty underwear.

Madame Edith, I cannot allow the woman I love

to expose herself in this manner.

Oh, dear monsieur alphonse,

always he has respect for my feelings.

And the colonel's.

Always he is asking to photograph me

wearing the flying helmet and brandishing the wet celery.

Why would the colonel want such a picture?

Celery is in very short supply in Germany.

While you are distracting him,

I will steal the film from the camera.

It is a good plan.

Yes, and as usual, we have to do it.

Do you want my job?

500 francs, plus waiting time and service.

I could not afford the taxi.

General Von klinkerhoffen.

I wish to speak to the colonel.

- Announce me. - Yes, general.

General erich Von klinkerhoffen!

Ah, general.

Heil Hitler.