8 Out of 10 Cats Does Countdown

This episode was filmed before any Covid restrictions.

Tonight on 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown...

Sean Lock,

Katherine Ryan,

Johnny Vegas,

Joe Lycett,

Christopher Bliss,

Susie Dent,

Rachel Riley,

and your host...

..Jimmy Carr!

Hello, and welcome to 8 Out Of 10 Cats Does Countdown.

It's either watch this or spend the next hour talking to your partner.

I thought so.

Welcome to the show.

OK, let's meet tonight's players.

First up, it's team captain, Sean Lock.

Sean has a unique look,

best described as fairground guy facing manslaughter charges

for not properly maintaining a roller coaster.

And Sean's team-mate, Johnny Vegas.

Johnny has a can-do personality,

and the number of cans he can usually do is 12.

Up against them this evening it's guest team captain, Katherine Ryan.

Woo-woo!

Katherine is part Canadian, part Irish and part silicone.

Yeah.

And joining Katherine tonight is Joe Lycett.

Welcome.

I'm frightened. I'm frightened. What's he going to say?

Don't worry, you'll like it. After one of his previous appearances on

Cats Does Countdown, Joe went viral, but he's feeling much better now.

Oh, that's nice, that's OK.

OK, it's your first time as team captain, Katherine.

How will you motivate Joe?

Joe and I are very good friends,

I know he's going to be great on the show.

Just in case, I've brought a single Twirl.

I love a single Twirl.

You can have it when you win.

Joe, have you got any annoying habits?

Yes, farting at the minute.

So, I've started doing vegan in the week.

Right.

Because I want to be a better...

Thank you for the round of applaud.

And I have a lot of legumes.

I love a legume, you know, like a nut or a pulse.

I love those, and I'm having loads of them and it makes me very gassy.

I'm so sorry.

And I don't know if you've tried the vegan lifestyle,

but the poos, Jimmy.

The only way I can describe it is like shoes falling out of a loft.

OK, Johnny, what is your greatest achievement?

Er, my greatest achievement in life is staying alive.

So, cos you lost all the weight last year, didn't you? You lost loads.

Jimmy, I did, right, and then I bought a cheeseboard at Christmas, a good really 'un.

So, you like cheese?

Yes, but I can't do a bit of cheese, I can't like, you know,

take a bit off the nose of the cheese.

A single slice.

Jimmy, if I could eat through me ears, I would, I'm mad on cheese.

Like, I'd have people forcing it in that way as I'm chewing.

You wouldn't be able to taste it, though, would you?

Doesn't matter, it's cheese.

I'm just saying, I'm just trying to give you some advice Johnny.

Put cheese in your ears, you won't enjoy it.

Thanks again to your wondrous wardrobe department,

and this green jumper they made me wear.

It's got that really lovely homeless hint, hasn't it? Mm.

Why are the sleeves so much longer than the jacket itself?

Why don't you take the top off?

Cose underneath I look like

somebody who arm-wrestles for money at truck stops.

What are you doing, Johnny? I'm taking my top off.

No, no, stay fully clothed. No, please, stay fully clothed.

Sean told me to. He didn't, no. I've got something on underneath.

It does feel like I'm working with a homeless guy.

That's better.

I feel more comfortable now.

It feels like Fireman Sam's been laid off.

Sean, have you ever had a feud with a neighbour?

No, but I had a duel.

And I won.

So, his widow had to take down the wind chimes.

Now Joe, have you got a mascot?

I realise on this show I'm not very good at playing the game

and I felt like the issue was that I'm not...

I don't believe in myself enough, and so my mascot is myself.

And I asked the team here to make a T-shirt

and a hat with my face on it, and they've done it.

That's the picture they've gone with,

which I'm gonna be honest with,

I'm not thrilled about.

It's at the sort of angle that you'd get and the expression

if you were wanking me off.

That's what you'd see.

And I've got it on a hat as well.

So, you're sort of your own biggest fan for the evening?

For this evening I feel like I'm gonna be really positive

and I'm hoping those positive vibes either win me the competition

or I get wanked off.

Well, you're on the right team, Joe.

Katherine, have you got a mascot? I've got a mascot, Jimmy.

I have decided that I would like to become attractive to men,

and it's not even difficult to do, no offence, Rachel.

I've researched it...

..and I think for the last 35 years of my life,

I've been putting men off.

I've been saying things like, you know,

"I don't want a boyfriend, I feel that men are like dolphins,

"they should be enjoyed on holiday", and I believe that.

But I think I need to be just more palatable to the average man.

There are men who like me now,

but they are perverts and foot fetishists.

I wanna broaden my horizons.

And so, I know that men like a smiley gal,

so I've got this so that even when I'm feeling cross,

then the men see me being very welcoming,

smiling and I'm immediately more attractive.

Nothing does it more for a guy than a girl without nostrils.

You know when you meet the perfect one and then you hear this...

Have you got any other plans to make yourself more attractive to men?

Yes, I do. I've got some tape here,

just to tape up my eyes because I've been wasting

a lot of time on Botox, Jimmy.

Cut to the chase, just tape them up so I look more friendly.

What are you taping up? What's the effect?

Just making myself look younger and more attractive.

Oh, babe, you look gorge. Thanks.

I've heard, Jimmy, that my hands are too large,

I've got kind of man hands.

So, men really enjoy it when you've got teeny tiny hands.

It makes me a lot more approachable.

Also, I will always be carrying around sandwiches

just to give and offer to any man.

I do seem more attractive to him, right?

If it goes very well, Jimmy, I might be ambitious with this one,

I've had a tattoo done that just says,

"Grateful for the opportunity."

Johnny, have you got a mascot?

I have. Well, I've got a few.

Are they cans?

You'll find out, it's really high-end, it's well done.

Erm, somebody constantly contacts me saying, "I did this picture of you."

I didn't realise Tiffany's did a full English.

Yeah, Jimmy, there's loads.

If you're gonna be obsessed with someone, go all out.

That's beautiful.

And there's a vulnerability to me there. Yeah.

This is me in...

Jimmy, there's more.

You look like a centaur there.

She sends them to me.

She's a genius, isn't she?

That's a proper tribute. And do you know what I like, Jimmy?

Go on.

When my agent says you lack range, read it and weep.

The next one's the best. I wouldn't say the next one's the best,

but it is does look like I've got a massive hernia.

If I seem on edge, it might be that the artist,

Josephine, is in the audience tonight and flew herself here.

Where's Josephine?

There, there!

Hello, Josephine.

Hi, Josephine.

Genuinely, Josephine, you did those?

Yes, I did. You did? Where have you flown from?

Denmark.

Josephine, what's your favourite one?

Um, I think the Ghost one.

I like the Ghost one. You know why?

Cos you've gone back to pastel.

OK, a round of applause for Josephine and her amazing art.

Thank you, Josephine.

Sean, have you got a mascot?

Yes, I have, Jimmy, yeah. As you know, I've always been very...

It's well documented, very envious of pregnant women.

Not because they have that magical opportunity

to grow life within them.

No, I've always envied that little bag

they keep by the front door for them to go to hospital with.

I thought, "Why can't I have one of those?"

I've always wanted a little bag and you just, if something happens,

you go, "Oh, I've got to go,"

and you just pick it up, then you're gone.

And I thought, "Well, what would be a good reason to have

"one of these bags?"

I thought, "Well, going to prison."

I don't wanna go, "Hey, cop, give me a chance to get my stuff together."

I'll just go, "Don't worry, I've been expecting you."

So what's in your prison bag?

Well, if you go to prison, one of the things you're going to need,

right, is lags' currency. Something to barter, yeah?

Right.

Something that they all want.

A big ball of Blu Tack.

Cos they love a poster.

Yeah.

They're not allowed drawing pins.