2 Broke Girls

- Max? - No.

Don't come over here with that "I'm the boss,

"you're the waitress" look.

Cause I could just as easily give you the "I'm the murderer,

"you're the victim" look.

The muscular woman at table two

is sending her bagel back.

She said she ordered a plain one.

I'm sorry, did you say she wanted a multi-grain?

No, plain.

Whole grain?

No, plain.

Garlic? No.

The plain! The plain!

It took me two years,

but I finally got him to say it.

Are you telling me you don't hear that cat?

We have to let it in.

It's clearly a stray,

or this Marine I met last week at a blood drive.

Last week there was a man outside our door screaming,

"I've been stabbed,"

and all you did was yell, "Shut up."

Because he said, "I think I've been stabbed."

You're either stabbed, or you're not stabbed.

Listen, it sounds like the cat's saying hello.

Hello, hello.

Listen, it's talking.

It's saying, "Help. Can I come in?"

Really?

'Cause I think it's saying,

"I'm fine. Go back to sleep."

Come on, it clearly just said,

"Let me in. Ignore the blonde.

She's a bitch."

Look, you can't just let in everything

that shows up at our door and says hello.

Yeah, I can. I've done it.

Max, we can't.

We can't become cat ladies.

And it always starts out innocently,

rescuing a stray,

but then you have to get another one

so that they can entertain each other

while you're at work.

And then somewhere along the line,

four more sneak in, and you think,

"We're good. We're cool.

We're the cute girls with six cats."

And then, one day, there you are on Animal Cops,

screaming, "Don't take my babies!

These 27 angels is all I got!"

That's how it goes, Max.

Once you get one, you get 27.

Not true.

Really?

How many garden gnomes

do you have under your bed?

27.

What?

They understand I'm only keeping them there

until I get a yard.

Come on. I want a kitty.

Kitty for Max. Kitty for Max.

Max, we already have a horse.

We can't afford another animal.

We're broke.

Come on.

Chestnut needs a friend.

He is dying to trash us to someone,

and all he's got is that rat

who is super self-involved.

Who the hell is that?

It's so late.

It's probably the cat,

or the guy who's raping girls in Brooklyn.

Open the door, and roll the dice.

Oh, please.

Please, somebody tell me

they killed that damn cat.

And where did it learn how to say hello?

Told you.

It's been keeping me up all night.

This poor cat has been crying at our door

every night trying to get in,

trying to get a little warm milk,

maybe a skosh of tuna.

Max, that's our dinner tomorrow.

Wait. Be careful.

A cat is not always a cat.

Oh, please continue.

In Poland, we believe if you die outside,

you're reincarnated as a cat.

Am I the only one who thinks Poland

sounds like a real freak show?

So never let a cat in,

because it's just a person

that's been reincarnated

and will bring in all the bad jus.

I think you mean juju.

Oh, do I?

Nighty-night.

Look, we just have to put up with it,

and after a while, it'll go away on its own.

Go away on its own?

It's a stray cat, not my father.

Good night, Max.

Fine. No kitty for Max.

No kitty for Max.

See, Max, I told you the cat would stop.

Max?

Max.

Can we keep it, ma? Can we keep it?

Earl, you don't want a cat, do you?

A cat? God, no.

Cats steal your weed.

See, Caroline?

Nobody wants the cat.

We're keeping it,

and I think we should start celebrating right meow.

Max, you didn't even try to convince him.

Come on, Earl.

Don't you want a cat?

Kitty for Earl. Kitty for Earl.

I'm too old to have a cat.

I'm about six months away

from crapping in a box myself.

Oleg, how do you feel about cats?

Loved it. Saw it nine times on Broadway.

Very clever show,

but a little expensive.

The most I've ever paid to see a pussy dance.

So far we're keeping the cat.

Hey, Han, do you want a cat?

You could finally have a friend your own size.

Come on, you could ride it to work.

No, I can't have a cat.

They're lazy, moody, and judgmental.

I don't need another you.

Plus, they don't show affection.

Sure they do.

You just have to know how to get it out of them.

Cats love to be lightly spanked on their bottom.

I don't understand why a cat would like that.

It's so mysterious.

Kitty. Kitty. Kitty-kitty-kitty.

Kitty. Kitty. Kitty-kitty-kitty.

Hmm.

Well, I can't have a cat.

I work all the time.

Why did I like that so much?

I don't know.

Something with boobs was touching you.

People with boobs touch me.

She means aside from your mom.

Then, no.

Well, we've asked everyone we know,

and now I'm depressed, because this

is everyone we know.

Let's start asking people in the diner.

We need to find it a place to live.

Why?

Why can't it live right here in my arm

in between my hot and naturals?

Kitty. Kitty. Kitty-kitty-kitty.

I have to admit, that does feel kind of good.

Excuse me.

I overheard you two asking people

if they want a cat,

and I'd really love one.

Really? Well, we have your cat.

Whoa. Whoa. Not so fast.

I got a couple of questions first.

Do you smoke?

Yes.

- Drink? - Yes.

Prescription drugs.

Occasionally.

Forget the cat.

Will you take me home?

Kitty, you're gonna love this lady.

She smokes, drinks, does prescription drugs,

which we all know means Oxy.

Hi.

Oh, my God. These she is.

She's purr-fect.

Come in. Welcome home, you.

See, Max? It's great.

What the hell is going on in here?

Look at all these cats

crammed in this little space.

It's so sad.

The only thing missing is Sarah McLachlan

singing in the corner.

What? It's fine.

There's not that many.

They're attacking!

Sorry. He loves blondes.

And apparently pooping on the carpet.

No, Twinkles, no.