What We Do in the Shadows

It is a dark time in Staten Island.

A lot of vampires have been slaughtered.

Not us, thankfully. We're fine.

But are we?

I don't think we are.

The worst part

is that it was our familiar

that did the slaughtering.

The worst part is it was Nandor's

own familiar that did the slaughtering.

It was Nandor's employee.

Really Nandor's responsibility.

‐Yep. ‐Talk to Nandor.

It is true that Guillermo‐‐

the familiar that all of us share command of

and responsibility for‐‐ is the one that did the slaughtering.

- ‐Aah! - But he did it

to save our lives from the Vampiric Council.

Still, he should not have done so much slaughtering.

I frankly couldn't give a cat's knuckle about Gizmo.

I mean, he's just kind of this fluttering lickspittle

that is always bouncing about, always behind Nandor.

‐But Nandor likes him. Oh, shut up, Colin Robinson.

‐You're giving me the pip. ‐Yes.

And we are running out of time here.

Well, I guess I should just shut the fuck up then.

If you insist.

I'm not objecting.

You know, we know what we have to do.

We have to put Guillermo to death

before he puts all of us to death.

- ‐But he saved our lives. - Okay, so we're saying,

"Thank you for saving us, but sorry,

you're our mortal enemy‐‐ you got to die, babes."

But we are still in imminent danger.

May I remind you all that we were sentenced

to death by the Vampiric Council for killing vampires.

‐Which he did. ‐And then more vampires were killed.

‐By him. ‐Which means they're gonna send more assassins

over here to get us. And perhaps our familiar...

‐Your familiar, dickhead. ‐You hired him, you bloody plonker.

...is the only one that can protect us.

But how do you know he's not going to kill us?

- ‐It is in his bloods. - Ah, yes.

Francis Galton's -

- ‐nature versus nurture... - Shut the fuck up.

‐Speak quiet, Colin Robinson. ‐Stop it, Colin Robinson.

- Everybody relax. - I have given this

a lot of thought, and my vote is...

‐You don't get a vote. ‐Hey!

‐Why not? ‐Because you are basically

just another version of Nadja,

and so your vote would be the same as hers,

- ‐which is not fair. - You don't know that.

‐Just because... ‐Oh, sorry, you go.

‐No, you go. ‐No, you go.

‐Okay, I'll go. ‐Okay, fine.

What would your vote be?

Death.

What a brilliant point she has.

I think we should slumber on this.

We do not have time to slumber! The Vampiric Council is probably

‐out there now searching for us and him as we speak. ‐

Silence! And hark.

That was him.

What could he want?

Perhaps he is warning us of an imminent danger.

Or maybe his poop bucket's full.

‐We must check. ‐I hope it's the poop bucket.

Oh, and while you're down there...

kill him.

Make sure that you use the handrail, because

‐the stairs are very steep. ‐

Stupid prick.

When was he last fed?

- What day is it? - Sunday, maybe?

Really? Gosh, it feels like Saturday.

It's just, like, "Where did my weekend go?"

Am I right?

This is why I said we should have a checklist

of when he was fed and who fed him.

How long has he been down here?

Almost a month. 29 days.

A month, and you've not decided his fate yet?

Well, I have certainly been trying to.

A decision like that, there's a lot of moving parts.

Got it.

Now remember, do not look him directly in the eyes.

We still do not know the depths of his power.

I never looked him in the eyes anyway, so I'm certainly

not gonna start now. Get the door open.

Stand aside.

‐Hi. ‐Guillermo, why did you summon us?

‐Is there a threat of imminent danger? ‐No.

‐Stand back! He's lunging at us! Oh! ‐Not that I know of.

‐My bathroom bucket's full, needs to be emptied. Eesh.

‐Okay. Maybe one of you big, strong men... ‐I'll do it. I'll do it.

I‐I think it's important that I sift through the scat

to see if he's sending out any secret messages.

- Scat away. - Good thinking.

Um, so, here are your foods.

‐ ‐Thank you, Nadja.

‐You can just hand it to me. I'm not... ‐Stay.

- ‐...not gonna hurt you. - Nice job.

Yay, more raw chicken.

The prisoner will slide his bucket of shame

over to the sally port.

And the prisoner will be reminded

not to make any sudden movements,

‐lest he get the prod. ‐I have a name.

Just slide your shit bucket over to sally's port.

Thank you.

‐ Careful.

- There you go. - Come to Mama.

- This is ridiculous. - Can't you just let me out?

‐You know I wouldn't hurt you. Bullshit. Please remember

that this man is a vampire killer.

I was protecting you! I saved your lives!

Yes, and we have taken that into consideration.

But we are still in discussions about

what your fate is going to be.

Oh, okay. And may I ask how far along you are

‐in these discussions? Or is it one of those things No.

where you just linger and argue with each other

'cause you don't have a Guillermo next to you

to solve all of your problems?

‐This fucking guy. ‐Insolent! ‐You need to prod him.

Hey, hey, hey! The prisoner will be reminded

to treat his captors with respect

‐and kindness. ‐Yes.

‐Or he'll taste the wrath of my... Do it.

- Don't touch the metal. - ‐Prod. Ow!

- ‐Shit! - Ay, shit.

‐You okay? ‐No! Let's go.

We've lingered here long enough.

He'll just do his mind magic on us.

‐What? ‐That's probably what he's doing with my cattle prod.

No, don't touch that end, Colin Rob... ‐Ow!

Ay, fuck. ‐Shit! That one was on me.

‐Not giving you credit for that one. I don't want credit.

We will make a judgement about your future shortly.

And who's gonna protect you, huh?

I'm not asking

for any kind of special treatment!

I'm just want to protect you from yourselves!

Laszlo. Laszlo?

‐No, Laszlo... ‐

Ow, Fuck!

Okay, so, day 30 of imprisonment.

Not bad, actually.

I get pretty good Wi‐Fi down here, so I've been able

to rewatch some of my favorites.

Did another round of Gilmore Girls.

I can show you around if you want, give you a tour.

Here, this is my bed.

Here's my mini fridge.

And there's the chicken they think I eat raw.

And some Yoo‐hoos.

And that is where I, um... yeah.

Without me, the vampires don't know what they're doing.

Like, literally they can't do anything without me.

They can't even imprison someone.

You want to see something cool?

Here's a little secret.

What I've been doing is I've been

sneaking out when they go into slumber.

Colin Robinson heads out to work by 9:45,

so I'm up by then.

I've been coming up here and doing all the things

that need to be done to keep the house functioning.

Of course they don't notice, because

they just think it happens automatically.

It doesn't.

I do it.

Heads up.

I mean, I should really just consider

escaping,

And leaving.

And never coming back.

Especially 'cause they're considering

you know, killing me.

‐Thank you. ‐But I just wonder what

would happen if I wasn't here to help them out.

They're like family.

I know‐‐

codependent much?

Look, I, too have developed

a small seed of affection

for Guillermo, but the vampire code stands.

He killed vampires, therefore he must be killed.

What about the warrior's code?

A man who saves your life in battle should be owed

a debt of eternal gratitude and mercy.

Ah, yeah, the, uh, perennial conundrum between

- ‐the warrior code and the vampire code... - ‐

What... Uh, whoa, whoa, whoa, what was that?

Oh, you know what, it's probably one of the black birds

that's been gathering outside lately.

How you holding up?

Yeah, comme ci, comme ça.